President Obama today announced that if the sequester is allowed to go into effect, the planet will become defenseless against asteroids.
“If Republicans are foolish enough not to give into my demands – I mean, not to agree to a balanced approach – asteroids may plunge to the earth and wreak widespread destruction across our great land,” Obama said during an appearance today in the White House briefing room. “Let me be as clear as possible: The sky is falling.”
Obama explained that the sequester would force the Air Force to furlough servicemen and women charged with using laser weapons to shoot menacing asteroids out of the sky. Instead, the task would be left to NASA astronomers, most of whom are scared of weapons.
“I don’t like lasers,” said one NASA astronomer who refused to be named for fear his wife would think he’s a wimp. “I mean, I like playing laser games on my iPad,” he continued. “But real lasers – yikes!”
Appearing at the briefing with Obama was Vice President Biden, who threw reporters momentarily off guard by remarking that, “There’s going to be a lot of people walking around with sore behinds.”
Obama seemed perplexed. “What are you talking about Joe? How is that related to asteroids?” he demanded.
“Oh, I thought you said hemorrhoids,” Biden replied.
Biden then seemed to veer further off message when he suggested an “easy alternative” for shooting down asteroids.
“A double barrel shotgun!” he exclaimed. “That’s all you need. A lot of these asteroids aren’t much bigger than skeet.”
Obama seemed annoyed . “Don’t be an idiot Joe. At least, not right now. We’re trying to do some good Republican-bashing here.”
House Speaker John Boehner dismissed the White House’s latest sequester announcement, calling it a “needless scare tactic” designed to pressure Republicans.
“Instead of wishing upon a shooting star, people are going to be freaking out,” Boehner said. “Besides, I know a lot of astronomers who are crack shots and really tough. I mean, these guys had the guts to tell Pluto it wasn’t a planet.”
Obama added that if the sequester lasts more than two months, there is a “about a ten percent chance” the earth will suddenly fall off its axis and hurtle into the sun.
“You think global warming is bad, wait until you see this,” Obama remarked.