As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Obama: Sequester to Cause Asteroid Collision with Earth

President Obama today announced that if the sequester is allowed to go into effect, the planet will become defenseless against asteroids.

“If Republicans are foolish enough not to give into my demands – I mean, not to agree to a balanced approach – asteroids may plunge to the earth and wreak widespread destruction across our great land,” Obama said during an appearance today in the White House briefing room. “Let me be as clear as possible: The sky is falling.”

Obama explained that the sequester would force the Air Force to furlough servicemen and women charged with using laser weapons to shoot menacing asteroids out of the sky. Instead, the task would be left to NASA astronomers, most of whom are scared of weapons.

Obama pretends to check for asteroids himself
Obama pretends to check for asteroids himself

“I don’t like lasers,” said one NASA astronomer who refused to be named for fear his wife would think he’s a wimp. “I mean, I like playing laser games on my iPad,” he continued. “But real lasers – yikes!”

Appearing at the briefing with Obama was Vice President Biden, who threw reporters momentarily off guard by remarking that, “There’s going to be a lot of people walking around with sore behinds.”

Obama seemed perplexed. “What are you talking about Joe? How is that related to asteroids?” he demanded.

“Oh, I thought you said hemorrhoids,” Biden replied.

Biden then seemed to veer further off message when he suggested an “easy alternative” for shooting down asteroids.

“A double barrel shotgun!” he exclaimed. “That’s all you need. A lot of these asteroids aren’t much bigger than skeet.”

Obama seemed annoyed . “Don’t be an idiot Joe. At least, not right now. We’re trying to do some good Republican-bashing here.”

House Speaker John Boehner dismissed the White House’s latest sequester announcement, calling it a “needless scare tactic” designed to pressure Republicans.

“Instead of wishing upon a shooting star, people are going to be freaking out,” Boehner said. “Besides, I know a lot of astronomers who are crack shots and really tough. I mean, these guys had the guts to tell Pluto it wasn’t a planet.”

Obama added that if the sequester lasts more than two months, there is a “about a ten percent chance” the earth will suddenly fall off its axis and hurtle into the sun.

“You think global warming is bad, wait until you see this,” Obama remarked.

30 Responses to Obama: Sequester to Cause Asteroid Collision with Earth

  1. Thank you, thank you. It’s so nice to laugh after a day of Doom and Gloom from our betters.

    If you have any pull at the Air Force, my grandson is a top scorer on a few MMORPGs . He would be thrilled to do the “real” thing and shoot down some asteroids (zombies, too).

  2. OT: dirty rotten basterds releasing thousands of criminal illegals a week ahead of sequestration

    I knew it! They’re going to use every dirty trick they can think of to make our lives miserable and unsafe. They just opened the doors to the detention centers and told them to leave.
    All of Arizona is on alert as hundreds of accused criminals have been set free in out state without cars, money or food.

    • If letting 10,000 illegal aliens loose to terrorize the public doesn’t force US to surrender to his demands, what will Preezy Revenge do next? Hold a gun to Grandma’s head and play Russian Roulette?

    • Dirty rotten bastards indeed. Never before has a President deliberately endangered the country’s citizenry so he can score political points. There is no god damn budgetary reason to do this as funding for these departments is not being cut, it’s just a small reduction in the rate of future budget increases. The only reason this is happening is to terrorize the public so they will blame the Republicans.

  3. NASA before Obama –

    National Aeronautics and Space Agency.

    “That’s one small step for a man, a giant leap for mankind” – Neil Armstrong on the Moon

    NASA after Obama –

    Nurds Assigned to Serving A!lah

    “When I became the NASA Administrator — before I became the NASA Administrator — [Obama] charged me with three things:
    (-)One was he wanted me to help re-inspire children to want to get into science and math,
    (-)he wanted me to expand our international relationships,
    (-)and third, and perhaps foremost, he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering.” – Charles Bolden, Obama’s NASA admin (hyphen interpolations mine)

    Nothing about space in that mission any more. NASA’s a paradigm of what he wants the US military to be – impotent, useless, defunded, dedicated only to furthering Obama’s liberal agenda via social experimentation. And, now that Hagel’s on board, he won’t have any difficutly achieving this.

    His private secuity corps (Homeland Security) that is dedicated to HIM will handle the rest. Since all it has to do is put down anyone questioning HIM domestically and we don’t have to worry about borders, we don’t need those dumb airplanes and all those tanks for them. Hollow points will do – Geneva Convention doesn’t apply to civil unrest.

    No, sequester or not, I don’t think NASA can help us with ANYTHING involving space. Obama’s seen to that already.

  4. I had a good laugh at this, but seriously, this need to be labelled Satire, or TIC (tongue in cheek) Someone might take it fer real, fer real.

  5. Ooops dis regard previous post. I came across it under the Biden heading, but see it is also under the Satire head. Still it wouldn’t hurt to label it since you allow cross-dressing menus

  6. If God has any sense of humor, “THE” asteroid crash of all time will occur right on top of Obama and Biden, plus Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Algore.

  7. Pretty nice post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wished to mention that I’ve truly loved surfing around your blog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing on your feed
    and I’m hoping you write once more very soon!