President Obama Monday discovered money growing on trees on the South Lawn of the White House, a startling development that allowed him to propose government initiative after government initiative during his State of the Union address even as the nation heads toward piling up $17 trillion in debt.
“It’s incredible,” said a tearful Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “The White House informed us just this morning. Money really does grow on trees. Now we can spend it forever.”
A senior White House official said Obama was on his daily walk across the South Lawn Monday morning searching for four leaf clovers when he discovered money growing on several ancient magnolia trees. The trees had been planted by Woodrow Wilson, who is credited by some with launching the modern welfare state. Now, the trees have finally borne fruit.
White House aides said the discovery that money grows on trees is at the root, so to speak, of Obama decision to include in the State of the Union a litany of new government programs while outlining hardly any specific ideas about how to cut spending.
The trees sprout $100,000 bills, which coincidentally include a portrait of President Wilson. White House economic advisers were seen by tourists picking currency all day Monday and Tuesday. Bills magically grew back on branches within seconds of being plucked.
A tourist who jumped the White House gate offering to “help out” was run down by a Secret Service-trained German Shepherd and taken away in handcuffs.
White House National Economic Council Director Gene Sperling was taken to George Washington University Hospital after taking a fall off a ladder while trying to reach one of the higher branches. “We’re still going to raise taxes,” he mumbled as he was placed into an ambulance. Sperling suffered only a bruised ego and was expected to make a full recovery.
Spurred by his historic horticultural discovery, Obama in his speech offered up all manner of new fiscal commitments.
He proposed public-private “manufacturing hubs;” an “Energy Security Trust that will drive new research and technology to shift our cars and trucks off oil for good;” funding for research on cleaner-burning natural gas; federal support for energy efficient buildings; massive infrastructure spending; money for preschool education for every child in America; funding for high schools that focus on science and math; spending on scientific research; funding to rebuild vacant homes in rundown neighborhoods; “resources” for publics safety, eduction and housing in struggling communities; and tax credits for businesses that hire there.
And those are just the proposals that made it into the speech.
“Most Americans – Democrats, Republicans, and Independents,” Obama said, “understand that we can’t just cut our way to prosperity.”
Internal polling by White House political aides identified these same Americans as the ones who believe that money grow on trees.
Turns out they were right.