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Obama Discovers Money Growing on Trees

by Keith Koffler on February 12, 2013, 11:51 pm

President Obama Monday discovered money growing on trees on the South Lawn of the White House, a startling development that allowed him to propose government initiative after government initiative during his State of the Union address even as the nation heads toward piling up $17 trillion in debt.

“It’s incredible,” said a tearful Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “The White House informed us just this morning. Money really does grow on trees. Now we can spend it forever.”

Obama escorts Democrats to the South Lawn to view the money trees.

Obama escorts Democrats to the South Lawn Tuesday morning to view the money trees.

A senior White House official said Obama was on his daily walk across the South Lawn Monday morning searching for four leaf clovers when he discovered money growing on several ancient magnolia trees. The trees had been planted by Woodrow Wilson, who is credited by some with launching the modern welfare state. Now, the trees have finally borne fruit.

White House aides said the discovery that money grows on trees is at the root, so to speak, of Obama decision to include in the State of the Union a litany of new government programs while outlining hardly any specific ideas about how to cut spending.

The trees sprout $100,000 bills, which coincidentally include a portrait of President Wilson. White House economic advisers were seen by tourists picking currency all day Monday and Tuesday. Bills magically grew back on branches within seconds of being plucked.

A tourist who jumped the White House gate offering to “help out” was run down by a Secret Service-trained German Shepherd and taken away in handcuffs.

White House National Economic Council Director Gene Sperling was taken to George Washington University Hospital after taking a fall off a ladder while trying to reach one of the higher branches. “We’re still going to raise taxes,” he mumbled as he was placed into an ambulance. Sperling suffered only a bruised ego and was expected to make a full recovery.

Spurred by his historic horticultural discovery, Obama in his speech offered up all manner of new fiscal commitments.

He proposed public-private “manufacturing hubs;” an “Energy Security Trust that will drive new research and technology to shift our cars and trucks off oil for good;” funding for research on cleaner-burning natural gas; federal support for energy efficient buildings; massive infrastructure spending; money for preschool education for every child in America; funding for high schools that focus on science and math; spending on scientific research; funding to rebuild vacant homes in rundown neighborhoods; “resources” for publics safety, eduction and housing in struggling communities; and tax credits for businesses that hire there.

And those are just the proposals that made it into the speech.

“Most Americans – Democrats, Republicans, and Independents,” Obama said, “understand that we can’t just cut our way to prosperity.”

Internal polling by White House political aides identified these same Americans as the ones who believe that money grow on trees.

Turns out they were right.

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

srdem65 February 13, 2013 at 12:18 am

What wonderful news! Here we thought we were broke and doomed to dinners of Ramen noodles and tennis shoes held together with duct tape.

MrO has wonderful ideas, some of them would most certainly bring amazing prosperity back to our economy.
Our children would be schooled in the most modern of facilities, with the best teachers and driven back and forth in school busses powered by carbon-free fuels over smooth roads and sturdy bridges. The least of us would finally earn enough money from menial jobs to get ahead instead of being mired in poverty. Mexicans will learn to speak English and pay fines for being sneaking over our border illegally.
Unicorns will graze peacefully in our front lawns. A bonfire fueled by 300million firearms will warm us and make us safe from deranged criminals who want to kill us. Leprechauns will leave pots of gold at our doorsteps.

All because Washington money grows on trees. In China.

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Star February 13, 2013 at 10:47 am

One note: Ramen is lunch–hypertension be damned.

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GotFreedom February 13, 2013 at 12:59 am

Are you sure the trees “sprout $100,000″ bills and not platinum (self portrait) coins or maybe both (you know, like an oak tree has leaves and nuts. . .oh wait, the nuts are inside the WH. . .excluding the author of this article of course!)

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TheRealBillybob February 13, 2013 at 1:22 am

Nicely done!!!

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William February 13, 2013 at 5:49 am

Yes! Panem et circences!

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Just2old February 13, 2013 at 8:53 am

Exactly

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Jeff1000 February 13, 2013 at 6:54 am

Yes, the teenaged/ adolescent mindset that “money grows on trees”. How cool is that! The problem is that these metaphorical teenagers are running the country, but look, they’re so cool, aren’t they. Wicked cool!

Liberalism is arrested development. Liberalism is the denial of reality. Liberalism is unicorns and rainbows. Liberalsim is an illegitimate joke. How cool is that! Money grows on trees!

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cincycinco February 13, 2013 at 8:04 am

“At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child – miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosphy of sniveling brats.” — P.J. O’Rourke

http://www.urbin.net/EWW/sigs/pj_polysigs.html

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Misscheryl February 13, 2013 at 8:39 am

You nailed it. The kids have the keys to the car and they’re driving it over the cliff.

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Just2old February 13, 2013 at 7:48 am

I knew it! Thanks for the confirmation.

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Jeff1000 February 13, 2013 at 7:52 am

Must be great living in mommy’s basement. You can makeup and say anything you want without consequences. Mommy’s got you covered! Oh, and enjoy your “free” government healthcare.

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Misscheryl February 13, 2013 at 8:51 am

Do you kick your feet and hold your breath till your face turns blue?

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Misscheryl February 13, 2013 at 9:14 am

I think the troll’s post have been deleted. How refreshing!

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Blondie February 13, 2013 at 8:02 am

Typical low information voters.Focus on Rubio’s gaffe instead of the substance of what he said, as opposed to the LaLa land vision of the President. And of course the press is feeding right into it. It scares me that most of the people in this country are so superficial that they are persuaded by the delivery of the speech and not at all by the content.I guess it shouldn’t surprise me as they elected the empty suit twice.

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Scottso February 13, 2013 at 8:08 am

Keith, the satire is still missing something.

IF money did blossom and grow on trees, they would know they’d have to get to the top of the trees to get all the money. So they’d chop the tree down, collect all the money, leaving just the stump where no money grows, and making sure the tree can never grow money again.

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cincycinco February 13, 2013 at 8:23 am

“[reacting to the Once-ler making a "thneed" from a tree he cut down]

The Lorax: I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And I’m asking you sir, at the top of my lungs – that thing! That horrible thing that I see! What’s that thing you’ve made out of my truffula tree?

The Once-ler: Look, Lorax, calm down. There’s no cause for alarm. I chopped just one tree, I’m doing no harm. This thing is most useful! This thing is a “thneed.” A theed, a fine something-that-all-people-need! It’s a shirt. It’s a sock. It’s a glove! It’s a hat! But it has other uses, yes, far beyond that. You can use it for carpets, for pillows, for sheets, for curtains! Or covers for bicycle seats!

The Lorax: Sir, you’re crazy. You’re crazy with greed. There’s no one on earth who will buy that fool thneed!
[a man drives by, buys the thneed and pays the Once-ler]

The Once-ler: The birth of an industry, you poor, stupid guy! You telling me what the public will buy? ”

Later…

“The Lorax: Yes, I am the Lorax who speaks for the trees, which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please. But I’m also in charge of the brown Bar-ba-loots, who played in the shade in their Bar-ba-loot suits and happily lived eating truffula fruits. Now, thanks to your hacking my trees to the ground, there’s not enough truffula fruit to go ’round!

The Once-ler: I see your point. Yes, I do see your point.

The Lorax: They loved living here. But I can’t let them stay. They’ll have to find food, and I hope that they may. Good luck, boys! Good luck! ”

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213065/quotes

Like the Once-ler, Obama knows “what the public will buy”. He’ll reap huge rewards for himself and his freinds, for awhile. And we Bar-ba-loots will be left with the stumps.

You know what the REALLY weird part is, though? Half the Bar-ba-loots will blame the Lorax…

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Scottso February 13, 2013 at 9:29 am

INDEED!

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MichelleIndependent February 13, 2013 at 8:41 am

This is the problem…all Obama has to do is “talk about” issues for his sycophants to follow him.
I was at Barnes and Noble last night until closing and the carpet cleaning crew came in. They were all pumped up about Obama and wanted the manager to turn on the radio so they could hear Obama flap his gums. “HE’s on TV? Obama, man. He’s talking about affordable college. He ‘s talking about the housing market getting better.” Obama just has to wave his magic wand.

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Star February 13, 2013 at 10:50 am

I wonder if they will make colleges “prove” they are worth the money.

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DeniseVB February 13, 2013 at 10:53 am

Same people who think it’s the Republicans stopping the magic from Obama wand ;)

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cincycinco February 13, 2013 at 2:05 pm

“Same people who think it’s the Republicans stopping the magic from Obama wand ;)” – Densie VB

You have to keep your happy thoughts, or down you’ll come! (apologies to Peter Pan).

Republicans always say buzzkill stuff like, “It cost money we don’t have”, or “That’s not something the Federal Government needs to be doing”, or stuff about the Constipation or something, making it hard (especially with the poor training from Public schools) to hold onto ANY thought, let alone HAPPY ones…

THAT’s why it doesn’t work. THAT’s why it’s Republican’s fault!

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gree February 13, 2013 at 9:36 am

Nancy and Harry are in fierce competition for who gets to mow the lawn. Who needs a budget now that the seeds of fantasy really do bear fruit?

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AZ Granny February 13, 2013 at 9:38 am

Another good one! Sadly, there’s more truth than fiction in this article.

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Julie Brueckheimer February 13, 2013 at 11:11 am

NRO had a similar botanical metaphor in mind: Miracle-Gro Government.

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Susan February 13, 2013 at 11:48 am

Well Steny told us the leviathan doesn’t have a spending problem, it has a “paying for problem”. And it’s the fault of George W. Bush and his Republican congress. Granted the establishment Republicans love them some big government too, but he failed to mention that congress hasn’t been in control of the Republicans since January of 2007.

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Corey February 13, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Haha. That’s a good one.

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William in CA February 13, 2013 at 4:58 pm

Keith – nicely done !

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Ravi February 26, 2013 at 6:29 am

Very funny and dangerously close to the truth

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