As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Top Ten Things Obama Will Do Now That He Doesn’t Need Voters

Many conservatives are concerned that, since he never has to face the electorate again, President Obama will begin to accumulate more power for himself and rule in an arbitrary manner.

White House Dossier has confirmed this and has obtained a secret list of ten actions Obama is planning on taking during the next sixty days that could be construed as abuses of presidential power.

We share with you the top ten most significant items on the list.

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1. Threaten to invade Sweden unless Michelle is given the Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

2. Jay-Z and Beyonce to be appointed Secretary of Treasury and Small Business Administration Administrator, respectively.

3. Allow people to register to vote automatically when they receive their death certificate.

4. Declare legislation passed by Congress will be from now on be considered a “recommendation.”

5. Prevent future subprime lending crises by confiscating all private property.

6. Declare a National Bedtime of 10:00 pm.

7. Instead of the Senate, Supreme Court appointments will henceforth be made with the “advice and consent of David Axelrod.”

8. The “right to bear arms” will be changed to “the right to bare arms” and applied solely to first ladies.

9. Add Saul Alinsky to Mount Rushmore.

10. Call up Netanyahu and tell him, “Well, that’s how the matzah crumbles!”

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This is obviously urgent. Please let us know if there are any additional actions you have heard about.

 

76 Responses to Top Ten Things Obama Will Do Now That He Doesn’t Need Voters

    • Star, do you have Norwegian roots ? Well, well, hello there cousin !
      But no,no,no – no more prizes to that family. Alfred Nobel is probably turning in his grave because of the first one. And chemistry, are you thinking about her changed appearence, her secret formula for skinbleaching perhaps ?

      • Sure about that “cousin” thing?

        I once heard a Swedish joke that went like this;

        “What does Norway have that Sweden doesn’t have? GOOD NEIGHBORS!”

        Sorry, not trying to stir anything up, but I couldn’t resist!

      • My grandmother on my father’s side came from Norway–her name was Klansrud. She was 20–married the town doctor in a little place in Wisc called Stevens Point–he was 60. Three kids. Dad was 10 when his father died. She taught 5th grade all her life to take care of her kids. Gritty!

  1. 11. Offer to trade-in a Iranian Thermonuclear device for a dozen vehicles from the new and exciting lineup of GMC vehicles! Smart,economical, and sassy as you drive to your next Jihad!

    • AN Iranian Thermonuclear device. Offer excludes any device with yields less than 5kt. (Dealer will retain all incentives an rebates.)

    • Nah, electric cars suck for Jihad. The acid spewing from the battery has some nice secondary damage potential, but they mostly don’t have enough mass or metal for really good shrapnel, you can’t carry a very heavy bomb, you can’t carry it very far, and they tend to burst into flames MILES from your target.

      Plus, who wants to look like a dork as they’re being blown into Jannah? The virgins will laugh! And it doesn’t help recruiting if people check out your Jihad Web site and see your martyrs pictured as sitting in clown cars.

  2. 3. Allow people to register to vote automatically when they receive their death certificate.

    Close.

    3. Allow people to register to vote AS DEMOCRATS automatically when they receive their death certificate.

    Better!

  3. 9. Add Saul Alinsky to Mount Rushmore.

    Nah. I figure he’d have someone chisel all those old, dead White guys off, and replace them with a carving of his a$$, since that’s all he’s going to show us from here on in anyway.

    • Biden’s dementia will worsen over the next four years, but that won’t stop him from winning the election in 2016. Remember they rolled the drooling, senile Robert Byrd onto the Senate floor on Christmas Eve 2009 during a major snowstorm to vote for Obamacare. The guy didn’t even know where he was or what he was doing, but his caretaker helped him cast the 60th vote that passed Obamacare. That’s the way the Democrats roll…

    • 12. Go back to New Jersey and Staten Island and physically open that FEMA office closed due to weather and help people clean up and get power back on…Use the power of the presidency. Springsteen optional. No–huh?

  4. 11. Outlaw all opposing political parties.
    12. Take control of all media outlets to prevent dissemination of “classified” information.
    13. Forced re-education for all children so that they can reach their sexual potential.
    14. Decriminalisation of stupidity to ensure third term.
    15. Constitutional Amendment allowing him to be deified.

  5. Obama EPA will extend their prohibition of coal to all products with “coal” in their name. Sale of charcoal briquettes will be prohibited and people will be reduced to eating raw hot dogs at their family picnics.

  6. # TBD – Have Reggie Love approved for entry into the Basketball Hall of Fame
    # TBD + 1 – Have the flight crew of AF1 granted sainthood by the Pope “Yo Pope, do me dis favor!”
    # TBD +2 – “Round up this Koffler guy and his band of thugs on that WHD of his. They dissed me one too many times!”

  7. 11. He will never hold a press conference.
    12. He will play golf every Sunday.
    13. He will not campaign through 2013.
    14. He will have concerts at the white house
    15. He will ignore calls for help from Consulates.
    16. He will not meet with any leaders from Congress.
    17. He will invite sports champions to take photos with him.
    18. He will not meet with Netanyahu.
    19. He will tell Congressman that he won.
    20. He will provide someone’s $$$ to his buddies for their green ideas.
    In other words…no change from the previous 4 years.

  8. #8 “right to bear arms”. The 2nd amendment guarantees that. But it doesn’t guarantee the “right to bear ammunition”. That’s where they’ll start. Probably make ammo difficult to purchase (filing forms, etc) or just tax the hell out of it.

      • Re: #6 As a complement to the early national bedtime, the national workday (an example set by the White House) will not begin until 11 AM on M-Th. No workday on Friday so that employed people can hang with their unemployed friends without risk of crowding their weekend plans with family.

        #? (lost count of all the good ones above) The golf term “Mulligan” used to describe when a player gets a second chance, will be replaced with the term “Barry” to commemorate Obama’s second 4-year chance to screw with the country.

        • Sorry, not sure how I screwed up and this got positoned as a reply to Keith. It was supposed to be a new entry at the bottom of the list.

      • I have never owned a gun in my life but in the last year have bought a ruger 10/22, a Sig Sauer 45 pistol and a Colt AR15 along with a few thousand rounds of ammo.

        You should have seen the gunstores in the months leading up to the election. Absolutely packed.

    • A freind of mine suggested that the EPA would simply outlaw lead. That would make it difficult to make bullets, and would not require any congressional approval.

  9. #11 – The situation room will be redesigned as a basketball court.
    #12 – Everyone will be given an MP3 player loaded with his speeches and words of wisdom.
    #13 – Nobody is allowed to look at him directly, they must avert their eyes in a downward position. This is so that nobody will know which side of his mouth he’s talking out of.
    #14 – Press and Congress members alike will answer “Yes, dear leader” after every utterance.
    #15 – Flags with his picture on them will be distributed to all citizens. Anyone caught not flying their flag will be subject to a penalty (it’s not a tax).

  10. Dang, these are great additional list items.
    The Legacy issue is a biggie. This president is clearly out of his league when he has to face a decided foe (Read PUTIN or MORSI) Personal charm and connections don’t have a prayer when the other side has weapons and are not afraid to use it.
    The current status of affairs feels like 1938 America. Obama is FDR and world is lining up to take sides.

  11. The term illegal alien will not longer be used. We will now say undocumented Democrat. (Not my own, but don’t know who to credit.)

  12. Sorry Keith, while I usually find your satirical pieces amusing, I can find nothing funny about Obama’s being reelected. To me, it’s a tragedy for our country.

  13. Keith, I’d love to see your serious predictions of what our Flexible One will do.

    I predict amnesty and citizenship for all illegals who have been here for at least 15 minutes. That will lock in the Demo vote forever.

  14. This is not even the least bit funny.
    We have lost Liberty for Socialism, and everyone is still asleep.
    Oh goodie free rubbers, free birth control, free cell phones,
    free MRE’s, free healthcare, free free free.
    Sometime soon we will all have to pay the price
    for all that free stuff.

  15. Since Obama is a White Sox fan, he will confiscate Wrigley Field and all Cubs baseball activity sites as “hazardous and unsafe” using the EPA regulatory officers.

  16. # whatever – Attacking, and encouraging his followers to attack, me, my beliefs, my choices, and my opinions while claiming I’m motivated by dislike of others.

  17. Do you honest think that was funny? We are mourning our national suicide and you are making jokes. Our Constitution is hanging by a thread, so pardon me if I have lost my sense of humor about any of this.

  18. Yes, I do need a laugh, but what has happened to us is not funny. I’m having a hard time sleeping and staying asleep, and my headaches are not getting better. The national headache will only get worse by the day, because there are five million idiots in our country who didn’t vote for Romney because they were being picky. God HELP us!

  19. I am looking “forward” to the end of this term because this man will not be able to run for this office again. That is if there is still an office left.

  20. I am very sorry for the choice our country has made. I believe we have stepped away from every American ideal and dream that has made this country great. As a country, we have chosen suicide instead of believing the uncomfortable truth, and going back to our ethics of hard work and accountability. I believe this is the most important election of my lifetime, and I’m trying not to panic because I feel like I’m watching my home being destroyed. Some of these points were very funny, but I think this situation is also very serious. GOD bless America.

  21. Are you people crazy? What does obama have to do with jay-z and beyonce other than skin color? A national bedtime at 10pm are you guys serious with this? Its like this list was made by a 10yr old. This isn’t worthy of being called news.

    • Its not news, its called humor. In regards to Jay Z and Beyonce you may want to ask Obama why he had them in the White House situation room? Last time I checked that is a secure area which requires a VERY high level security clearence. You may also ask him why he was partying with them in NYC while the Middle East is burning and our ambassador and others are getting murdered.