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White House Dossier Transcribes the Debate! Sort of.

by Keith Koffler on October 17, 2012, 12:22 pm

This is a very special White House Dossier transcript of the second presidential debate. Please excuse us if it’s not a perfect rendering, but we believe it is basically accurate.

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Candy Crowley: I want to thank all of you here at Hofstra University for joining us for the second debate between the presidential candidates, Councilman Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. The debate will be -

Mitt Romney: Candy, thank you, that’s Governor Mitt Romney.

Crowley: I’m sorry. Councilman Mitt Romney.

Romney: No, governor.

Barack Obama: Already beating up on the moderator.

Crowley: The debate will be a town hall format, with average citizens who can’t make up their minds about anything asking the questions. Audience, I ask that you hold your applause until after President Obama is finished speaking.

Romney: What?

Crowley: And now, the first question is for you, Congressman Romney. Joshua, go ahead.

Joshua: When will you release your tax returns?

Romney: Mai întâi de toate, aș dori să le mulțumesc tuturor pentru (pauses)

Am spus că aș dori să le mulțumesc tuturor de tine (turns off his microphone)

Hey – that’s better – hey, something’s wrong with this microphone.

Crowley: There’s nothing wrong with your microphone.

Romney: No, there is. I’m not making any sense.

Obama: Nothing unusual about that.

Crowley: As you know, you will be speaking in Romanian during tonight’s debate.

Romney: What? Why is that?

Crowley: Well, you drew the Romanian straw, and President Obama drew the English straw. So you will be speaking in Romanian, and President Obama will be speaking in English.

Romney: We didn’t draw any straws!

Crowley: Of course we drew straws.

Obama: Listen, I’m willing to allow Mayor Romney to speak in English during the debate. I want to be fair, and besides, I don’t want him launching any sneak attacks in Romanian that I don’t understand.

Crowley: Okay, President Obama has agreed to be big about this. Please switch Comrade Romney’s microphone to English.

Romney: Well thank you Candy.

Crowley: You’re welcome. Now, the next question is for President Obama. Sylvia, please go ahead.

Sylvia: President Obama, why is Corporal Romney such a pathological liar?

Obama: Sylvia, thank you for your question. Corporal Romney is good to his family, and he’s a nice man. But he lies all the time. If you ask him about my record for the last four years, he’ll give you George Bush’s record and pretend it’s mine. If he had pancakes for breakfast, he’ll tell you he had waffles. Again, there’s nothing wrong with him, except that he lies all the time. And steals.

Romney: Now wait a second this is -

Crowley: Please don’t interrupt the president of the United States. I’m docking a minute off your next answer.

Romney: But he’s calling me a liar and a thief, and it’s just not -

Crowley: You are a liar. It’s in the transcript.

Romney: What transcript? What are you talking about?

Crowley: You lied repeatedly. It’s in the transcript. It took you two weeks to tell the truth.

Romney: When?

Crowley: Two weeks after you lied.

Romney: I’m appalled. Nu pot să cred ce se întâmplă aici ID-ul de . . .

Crowley: If you argue with me you’ll be spending the evening talking to the American people in Romanian, do you understand?

Romney: Bine

Crowley: Now, Mr. President, the final question is for you. Eleanor?

Romney: Wait a second, he just had a -

Crowley: Romanian, Mr. Romney. Romanian. Go ahead Eleanor.

Eleanor: Mr. President, I’m just a tiny bit disappointed in you. What can you say to make me love you again.

Obama: Well thank you Eleanor. I’m a basketball player, as you know, and I just love getting the chance to shoot like this from two feet out.

If I’m reelected, I’m going to force rich people to clean your house. I’ll send a rocket to Venus on ethanol, make other people pay for your birth control, guarantee that your children graduate from law school with high honors, and make the Taliban love us.

Eleanor: Oh that’s wonderful, Mr. President. I love you again. I want to party like it’s 2008.

Romney: If I could just respond -

Crowley: No, you can’t. Remember, I docked you a minute.

Romney: But I have two minutes.

Crowley: No, we drew straws and you chose the one minute closing response. So now you have nothing.

Romney: I can’t believe this! You’ve got to be kidding me! Acest lucru este total nedrept si eu un protest depunerea cu . . .

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

randy October 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

awesome use of presidential stupidity , mixed with truth lol

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DeniseVB October 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Looks like we watched the same debate again Keith (wink, wink).

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Scottso October 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

That’s hilarious.
I saw the transcript afterwards of Chris Matthews’ review of the debate:

“How typical that the woman and the black guy had to get together to defend themselves from the attacks of the rich white guy.”

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Scottso October 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

the above is satire btw.

Al Sharpton replied, “How come there were no black questions from the field. There looked like 10 Jews asking questions.”

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Playrighter October 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Methinks the Eye Candy (Crowley) was rotten in Denmark

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Cathy B in AZ October 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Yup, that about nails it.

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Mike Lester October 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

To be fair, were Romney to speak in Romanian, President JayZwannabe would tell us he was speaking in “Austrian”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr7zhnctF4c

fwiw: I hadn’t seen that clip in some time and am struck by the stammering cadence and insulted that I’m told it’s brilliance. It’s not. It’s the speech pattern of someone who is unsure, ill equipped and making sh*t up as he goes.

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blondie October 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Looks like the script for this weeks SNL!!

Reposting this link.Crowley is getting hammered in the comment section!! Lots of people have lost respect for her and whatever they had left for CNN.
http://ireport.cnn.com/blogs/ireport-blog/2012/10/17/post-debate-questions-for-moderator-candy-crowley?hpt=hp_t2

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Sadie October 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

blondie, I just checked the comments. At this point, looks like a split decision from the comment section.

The best comment I read:

“Candy, do you think the Obama/Crowley ticket won that debate?”.

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Uncle Reggie October 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Not so. In the first 20 comments I read, only one supported Crowley.

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Sadie October 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

CNN does not have a time stamp, just a reference to “x” many hours ago. The ebb and flow of comments are posted according to who or what remains elusive.

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Just2old October 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Good one Keith….sounded pretty accurate to me. Love the Romanian….LOL

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Chris Hopkins October 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You’re funny.

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Sadie October 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Keith,

Brilliant. Hilarious.

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Gerald Smith October 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Except for the part about speaking in Rumanian this is just about what I heard last night, punctuated by lard-ass and Ozero giving each other high fives. I would like to know who the hell is representing the GOP on the bi-lateral election commission. It must be John McCain, Dick Lugar and Olympia Snow.

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da_truth36 October 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

That’s hilarious, because it’s hilarious and it’s damned near the truth.

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srdem65 October 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

That’s pretty much the way I remember the debate, but you forgot to put in the part where Candy told Mitt to ‘sit down’ like he was an errant child.

Brightened my day, thanks for the laugh.

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Star October 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

She also would say to him–you will get your turn–then not give him one.

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Langley Spook October 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Ha! best ‘transcript/summary’ of the “debate” Ive seen all day

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D.V. October 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

That kind of how I saw the debate as well. Love the Romanian banter.

Interesting comments by Barry Rubin on the Libya content.
http://pjmedia.com/barryrubin/2012/10/17/the-murders-in-libya-the-presidential-debate-and-the-patte

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art October 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

F’ing funny Keith and sadly basically true. What was funny also was the fact that the MSNBC focus group wound up voting for Romney. Some days it pays to get up early.

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Star October 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

average citizens who can’t make up their minds about anything asking the questions.

Funny line.

Maybe I should not raise this–but that debate reminded me of an old joke from the awful Jim Crow days where a black and white man both appear at the polls and the pollwatcher says you have to answer one question first…To the white guy she says, “How do you spell dog?” He says D-O-G. Good–go vote. To the black man, she says, “How do you spell chrysanthemum?”

Probably too soon–and always will be…

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Langley Spook October 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I think we need sometype of “Voter IQ” law.
If you want to ‘vote’ one should be able to pass a basic, jr.high level Civics-current events test.

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Rod October 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Very funny – loved it. It (sadly) rings a bit too close for the truth.

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aunty M October 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The question is: Who was the most biased? Candy Crowly, The New York
Times or the Associated Press? The Times and the AP I read today in my local paper. I couldn’t believe it. Keith, I liked your transcription much better the the real debate.

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Mike C October 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

that’s pretty funny, Keith. Ever check out the dailyrash.com? It usually makes me chuckle at the very least.

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veritaseequitas October 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Funny. And it seems sadly possible.

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Glen October 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Not too funny when you consider that the questions are left based and Crowley knew ahead of time who to call on. So I am sure Obama knew exactly what questions were coming. I love humor, however I didn’t see it in the debate. Your article would have been funnier if the rules of the real debate were on a level playing field.

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Johnnie McHan October 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You are very funny-but this was so close to exactly how it went. I think Romney showed remarkable composure considering he had two opponents. I just wish he had come down heavier on Obama for his duplicity on Libya. I feel Obama is so close to treason on just this horrible mistake or was it?? As usual Hillary Clinton makes me so ashamed we are of the same sex. She should know alot of us will never forget her kissing Obama’s hand and trying to take the blame. He is POTUS but not responsible–he isn’t really he is a horrid joke.

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GotFreedom October 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Much more entertaining than the real thing. . .where IMO, BHO came off looking like a street thug. . .guess that’s what they mean by the “Chicago way”?

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Owen_Kellogg October 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

That sounds just like the debate I witnessed.

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slconfidential October 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Great job on this transcript. Thanks for the laugh.

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Smaj October 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

This squares with what I saw last night.

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drk October 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I thought I heard O also remind Crowley (or did she remind O) that Mitt murdered a man’s wife.

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elm October 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

That’s the way I remember it.

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Susan October 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Brilliant, Keith. Very much how I recalled the antics.

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Julie Brueckheimer October 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Love it! SNL could take a few tips from you. Doesn’t darken my day: look at that Gallup poll you have posted up above, and I think the focus groups last night saw a different debate than the pundits.

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Susan October 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

By the way, Mooch must have heard Eleanor’s comment about ‘partying like it’s 2008′ in between clapping like a trained seal for her lying mate. Today she was bragging to an audience of useful idiots about how she and Buhrock were going to “party hard” on November 7th. Can’t wait to see her smug face as the fraud gives his concession speech.

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mo1 October 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Susan, do you really think he will give a concession speech. More like “I demand a recount” speech.

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slconfidential October 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I listened to the debate on the radio so that I could “hear” instead of watching gestures, facial expression and candy cane. Anyway, I noticed that Romney would say that he has plans. The O never said he had anything for the future. If these four years are the hope and change he was spewing about in 2008, we will be doomed if he is elected again.

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lisa goocher October 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

That was hilarious … but strangely familiar! …. LOL Good Job!

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Jerry October 17, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Hilarious Keith! Candy “Mountain” makes a mean offensive left guard throwing some heavy run blocks down field for the president. Seriously, was she wearing shoulder pads?

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wolfgang Halbig October 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Why does anybody today want to have nine children or more when they cannot afford even one child. The fathers refuse to pay child support, they don’t live at the home with his children.

Why does anybody today want to have 12 or more children when the father is not even around to teach them about all the opportunities that await them through education and not selling drugs.

Why?

‘They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English.

I can’t even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain’t,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be…

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what?

And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2?

Where were you when he was 12?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol?

And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something?

Isn’t it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from?

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa…..

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.

I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don’t have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already!

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua,… Mohammed, and all of that crap……..
And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..

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