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Obama’s Top Ten Strategies for the Second Debate

by Keith Koffler on October 9, 2012, 5:45 pm

White House Dossier recently kidnapped Sen. John Kerry’s Bijon Frise and held it for ransom.

This morning, Kerry, the debate practice partner for President Obama, agreed in exchange for the dog to provide White House Dossier with the secret ten-point plan for Obama to perform better in the second debate with Gov. Mitt Romney than he did in the first.

White House Dossier still didn’t return the pooch.

Finally, after Kerry agreed never again to himself run for president – a decision supported by many Democrats – the dog was returned unharmed to the senator.

We give you now the top ten Obama strategies for succeeding in next Tuesday’s debate.

1. Cut the number of pre-debate doobies in half.

2. Eat a full stack of Michelle’s special “fired up and ready to go” pancakes slathered in “hope and change” syrup before the debate.

3. Take two of these:

4. Replace Romney’s pre-debate Hershey bar with chocolate Ex-Lax.

5. Shout “Miss it!” when Romney is starting to speak.

6. Answer at least four questions in Haiku.

7. Stop using the teleprompter during debate rehearsels.

8. After every Romney answer, say, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!”

9.  If stumped, ask for the moderator to spell the question.

10. Have Chinese food delivered during Romney’s closing statement.

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{ 25 comments }

Janice/Granny Jan October 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

ha ha…I loved #10

Guillermo Grande October 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Yes, but did the dog WANT to go?

Sadie October 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Can’t decide which was funnier – the set up or Top 10.

srdem65 October 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I laughed at the first sentence, the rest is golden.

When it gets bad…………….
11. MrAxelrod rushes on stage with a red phone.
12. Stagehands, members of the SEIU, IBEW and ASCME, go on a wildcat strike shutting off the lights and closing the curtain.
13. OWS erupts in a sponteneous demonstration complete with drum banging and down twinkles.

Mark Holbrook October 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

May I have a clue? What OWS?

Janice/Granny Jan October 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Elizabeth Warren was the inspiration for OWS according to her. That’s all the clue you get from me.

srdem65 October 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Occupy Wall Street The “99%ers.

CAR October 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Love all plus the additions in comments!

Mark Holbrook October 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

* Have Big Bird sitting on the front row with a sign reading “Will Work for Seed.”
* Obama responds to every Romney attack with: “I know Joe Biden, and you are no Joe Biden.”
* Have Bo, the First Dog, walk on stage and sprinkle on Mitt’s pants.

Janice/Granny Jan October 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

You guys are good. I’m a little like Obama in that I can’t think on my feet. I came up with a big O.

Scottso October 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

great ones!

TimG October 10, 2012 at 8:25 am

very good Mark!

Anonna October 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm

8. After every Romney answer, say, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!”

Or maybe say — “That’s a lie, you lying liar!”

Anonna October 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Perhaps have that boy who defended Britney Spears come on stage and yowl, “Just leave Ba-rack ALONE!”

Janice/Granny Jan October 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Here he is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM8l3X_7Hkg
with Leave Barack Alone!

They should invite him to the debate.

Scottso October 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm

11 – PREP HARD – don’t waste time on things like golf or intelligence reports.
12 – tell the public he was taking a mulligan on the first debate
13 – name drop Clooney, and J Z’s name as often as possible
14 – make sure to enunciate words like Pa-ki-stan or She-boy-gen
15 – Keep saying, ‘so what you are telling me, Governor is that you don’t like my policies, because I’M BLACK?”
16 – Laugh outloud, and say, “This guy’s a mormon” and keep giggling.
17 – Mention someone else’s anniversary
18 – Use the force
19 – Instead of threatening pbs, threaten to cancel the broadcast rights of CBS ABC and FOX unless everyone votes for him
20 – smile smile smile

Janice/Granny Jan October 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Funny. I loved 16 and 17.

I feel like echoing Barack again. Everyone here is a better comedy writer than SNL writers.

Girly1 October 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Too funny, Keith! After #2, I would have Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga throw up on the stage after eating Michelle’s pancakes.

lc southern October 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

So if the dog comes back can he stay?

Just2old October 9, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Steal Mitt’s hankie; write “I hate Big Bird” with a Sharpie and slide it back to his lectern.

Sadie October 9, 2012 at 9:10 pm

If all else fails Biden should quote Madonna: “So, y’all better vote for fu**ing Obama”.

Biden can interject after each Ryan answer: “Paul is not a big “effin” deal”.

Beam Me Up October 9, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Obama walks over and hands the moderator a free cell phone.

Julie Brueckheimer October 10, 2012 at 10:13 am

: – ))

Shofar October 10, 2012 at 5:04 am

Keith,

It’s Bichon Frise. And I think it was an apropos choice for the dognapping, as the breed once found favor with the nobility of Europe, especially Spain and France.

How ironic, the breed was a favorite of a country that hasn’t really won a war since Napoleon, and one that is in an economic free fall. No wonder it was Kerry’s choice.

TimG October 10, 2012 at 8:30 am

Excellet Keith
How about when Romney speaks Obama says ” The rich can afford to pay more taxes to help those less fortunate”
Rich being defined as anyone with a decent job(s)
Another choice would be ” I killed Osama” what did you do Mitt?