As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Reid: Credible Source Says Romney Owns a Pet Elephant

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that “extremely credible source” has revealed to him that Mitt Romney has a pet elephant.

“I cannot disclose the source, but he – or she – is extremely credible,” Reid said.

The elephant, according to Reid, was shipped in to Boston from the planet Neptune last March and his been living with Romney at an undisclosed location ever since.

Reid, who earlier this week charged that a separate “extremely credible source” had alleged Romney didn’t pay taxes for ten years, said the tax and the elephant allegations were completely separate matters.

“The is an outrage!” sputtered Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) in an outburst during Morning Hour on the House floor. “I mean, a pet gazelle, maybe. But an elephant? It’s just too much.”

Reid denied he was making up outrageous, unsubstantiated charges just to get the Romneys to disclose their veterinarian records. Some Democrats believe the records will show that the Romneys, in addition to putting their dog on the roof of their car, also put their cats up there and drove them from one end of Utah to the other.

Reid said he has it on good word from a second source, whom he describes as “credible, but not extremely credible,” that large crates of peanuts were seen being transported into the Romney home in the Boston suburbs.

“I’m not saying the elephant is there,” Reid commented while doing a handstand for reporters during a briefing on Capitol Hill Thursday. “They could be making peanut butter. But it’s very suspicious.”

The allegation has already created an uproar among animal rights groups, who are charging Romney with animal cruelty.

“You don’t give an elephant peanuts,” exclaimed a furious Megan McClagen of Save the Animals. “Doesn’t he know that? There are no peanuts in Africa. Elephants should be fed . . . well . . . whatever elephants eat, that’s what they should be fed.”

Reid said he first heard about the elephant “a couple of weeks ago” and then “spent hours” confirming the news by repeatedly getting back to his source and saying “Are you sure? Are you sure?”

Despite the delay in releasing the information, Reid says he is confident Romney still owns the elephant.

“These allegations are still fresh,” Reid said. “I put them in the refrigerator right after I brought them home.”

Asked by one skeptical reporter if the charges weren’t a little ridiculous, Reid, who keeps a tomato in his pocket for good luck, said he would never do anything ridiculous.

“I’m the Senate Majority Leader,” Reid declared. “If I say something, it’s a very serious matter. Not a ridiculous matter”

Asked if it wouldn’t be difficult to hide a pet elephant, Reid asserted, “Not these days, what with technology what it is.”

The Romney campaign was battened down in Boston trying to figure out how to deal with the latest charges being made by Democrats.

Campaign officials declined to speak on the record, but one Romney adviser who asked not to be named expressed frustration that the charge may stick.

“I mean, how do you prove that you don’t have an elephant?” he grumbled. “Do you like, take someone around Boston and say, ‘Look, he’s not over here,’ and then, “Look, he’s not over there’ . . .  I mean, what the Hell do we do?”

“This is another example of Romney’s elitist mentality,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “He thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. Well, President Obama wants to cut taxes for the middle class to ensure that everyone can import an elephant from Neptune if they so choose.”

Reid says he himself was on Neptune as recently as May and noticed an elephant was missing from the planet.

“I’m not saying Romney took the elephant,” Reid said. “It could have been the Venusians. But like I said, I have an extremely credible source.”

88 Responses to Reid: Credible Source Says Romney Owns a Pet Elephant

  1. I’m guessing Romney is planning on using his influence to get his wife and the elephant entered in the Olympic Dressage competition. After all, since Ann Romney never works, she would have plenty of time.

    • I hope so . . . elephants look so cute with those big ears flapping in the wind . . . or is that Obama . . . I forget . . . but whether it’s Obama on top of Romney’s car or an elephant . . . it’s still cute to see those ears flapping away as Romney drives down the expressway on his way home . . .

  2. OMG that was so funny! Very clever. My day just started with with a smile and a laugh. Thanks for starting my day off in a good mood Keith!

  3. Thanks Keith! Yet another priceless commentary hi-liting the utter ridiculousness of Democrats. I hope the few sane Dems left are greatly embarrassed by this display of irrationality regarding Romneys taxes and distance themselves loudly & clearly! I laughed so hard my kids are ready to have me start seeing a therapist…’how do you prove that you don’t have an elephant?’ Too funny!

  4. “Reid Denies Auditory Hallucinations; Stands by his Source.”

    When pressed to explain recent public remarks reciting hearsay and unsubstantiated claims regarding the PRC (Presumptive Republican Candidate-“What did you think I meant-Harry Reid”) The Senate Majority leader adamantly denied assertions that he was ‘hearing things’. “My hearing aid has been acting up a bit, but that doesn’t prevent me from doing my job.” In a surprising turn of events Reid gave a name to his source, “Little Bird”.

  5. Keith, you have outdone yourself…again. Absolute genius! Thanks for keeping your devoted audience in stitches.

    Speaking of rumors about pet elephants, heard one today about Obama having a pet monkey living upstairs in the private quarters…

    • Nah, Girly…It’s ValJar who has the pet monkey. His name is Barack. Creditable sourcing of course, but really can’t say who.

    • When the MSM is telling their audience — which unbelievably is still many Americans — many people believe that there is an elephant. It just hasn’t been found yet. Although rumor has it that the elephant in the room can be found in the oval office.

    • Harry “chutzpah” Reid, the very same doofus, who hasn’t submitted a Senate budget in three years.

      Hey Harry, show me your budgets for the last 3 years and while you’re at it, throw in a couple of your own tax returns.

  6. Great snark as usual Keith. Maybe now that Cass Sunstein is leaving the sinking ship he can take up the cause for Romney’s abused pets. Surely among the thousands of pages of regulations he has authored, there are a few that address the concerns of repressed elephants.

  7. Gird your loins Mitt fans, this quote from 2002 is equating Romney to Obama’s “you didn’t build that”. Not sure of the context, I plucked it off a “credible” FB friend’s page.

    “You Olympians, however, know you didn’t get here solely on your own power, for most of you, loving parents, sisters or brothers, encouraged your hopes, coaches guided, communities built venues in order to organize competitions. All Olympians stand on the shoulders of those who lifted them. We’ve already cheered the Olympians, let’s also cheer the parents, coaches, and communities. All right! [pumps fist].” ~ Mitt Romney, 2002

    I do think parents, coaches and communities deserve a pat on the back for providing kids encouragement and the resources to nuture their talents and help them achieve their dreams.

    • “Gird your loins?” That’s funny. President O believes government is the source of all help to those who succeed. Taxpayers’ money, which said taxpayers are forced to “donate.” Slightly different from help and encouragement from families, teachers, coaches, and communities who support those they love. Loved the elephant article, Kieth.

    Which politcal ‘cess-pool’ is worse?

    1) US Senate
    2) US House (granted, there is no “IQ test” to be a House memeber…)

    • It’s a toss up, Langley. You know the old saying, a few bad apples can spoil a whole bunch. There are some bad apples in both houses of Congress and on both sides of the aisles. Unfortunately, the really rotten apples are occupying leadership positions.

      • US Congress = Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

        (…could also be said of the “2008 presidential election”…)

  9. because i can,,,hairless reid is the,,senate minority leader,,not the majority! plus,,i had a reliable source from bain who told me that old hairless reid is actually piglosi’s illigitimate son/daughter! it’s out there now hariless,,prove America wrong pal!

    I got that from a reliable source who made me promise not to reveal his name. But he knows. No one would believe a claim like that!
    “I know,” , “but let’s make the sonofabitch deny it.”

    • Yah. Well, a VERY creditable source told me that Harry’s brain is slowly being eaten away by syphilis, that’s why he says the ridiculous things he does, and also why thinks the tomato he keeps in his pocket brings him good luck.
      I think he should produce his medical records to disprove this probable fact.

  11. Harry isn’t a human. He’s a mouthpiece for Obama. A little puppet. But we really know that he came from Neptune. Maybe is hiding the elephant just to get Romney in trouble.

  12. Ever wonder why M. Romney is mercilessly ridiculed for his Mormon faith, while the feckless H. Reid, being a Mormon, receives no such lampooning; that friends, is an example of the twisted double standard employed by the corrupt, soulless media. My passionate desire is to witness the comeuppance so well deserved of the traitorous, morally bankrupt, detestable and dishonest lame journalistic/ media cabal of perpetual lies.

    • I forgot Reid was a morman. I have known lots of mormans in my life and they all were people of great integrity just as Romney. I have never met a morman of such low morals as Reid. He is an insult to their faith!!!

  13. Sad part about the whole Reid/tax return nonsense is the hand wringing going on with some conservative pundits, suggesting that Romney should surrender all his tax returns just to put any speculation to rest. Some are even concerned that he is in fact hiding something.

    Sure…let’s just give Harry and Barry what they want. I’ve said it before here, but that kind of attitude ain’t gonna cut it the next three months. Stay strong, Mitt!

  14. What a pathetic weak attempt to rekindle a dead end.

    “Credible source” that must remain “anonymous ”

    What a bag of horse turd.

    Reid is a career liar, since he is a career politician
    Except he is old, worn out, no longer respected or believed.

    It figures the White House Dossier is the only one trumpeting this now. Who wrote this Baracko or Michelle? Maybe the new guy McAuliffe?


  15. Romney only had that elephant for a couple of years. It’s now living the good life in the Cayman Islands under an assumed name. Eating Chik-fil-A sandwiches. I got this from a very credible, gay source.

  16. Just when you think you’ve read it all. Reid should really retire. I do think there should be an age limit for our politicians or, they should be tested regularly for Alzheimer’s or dementia. It’s the economy, stupid. Obama is killing us and we have to be concerned about an elephant? Well, there is an elephant in the White House who doesn’t eat peanuts. He is eating all our money..

  17. some of obama’s fairy dust must of gotten into reids kool-aid .
    this smear campaign is just a liberal ploy for the american public to take thier eye off the ball. the ball being the economy

  18. mmmmmmmmm let me see. I have it on good authority that our current occupant of the White House was a cocain and marijuana user as an adult. Unlike Reid, my charge can be substantiated by Obama’s own admission.

  19. Ha! Reid’s source about Romney’s elephant COULD BE Madam Air Head Pelosi ! It soundls like her style. In my opinion, Harry Reid HAS FAILED this nation and should resign…or find a hole and crawl in it! Few people believe him, nor respect him. Wasn’t it his FATHER who was the alcoholic? Maybe he is just jealous because Romney is everything that he isn’t. Does he fear that if Romney became president that he (Reid) would lose his perceived power? When is he going to tell the American people about his past association with Jack Abramoff before Jack went to prison?

  20. This is funny, funny, funny! I LOVE satire like this…you hit every single ridiculous remarks by Reid, and then some. I’m sending it to everyone I know ( including the libs…my husband said to say that!) Not that we know too many, but like to mess with the ones we do know.

    Thanks for bringing us The White House Dossier everyday. Jan

  21. Serious error in your report about Sen Reid: there are beaucoup peanuts in Africa. In fact they are piled up on piers in Guinea Bissou because the drug
    money has been slow, which should be investigated by Congress.

  22. Mitt Romney should just come right out and prove that he does not own a pet elephant. Then we can get on with whats important…The Presidential Election. But it’s hard to prove that something DOES NOT exist. Mitt Romney can however, prove that he DID pay taxes…It’s a simple solution and he should do it so we can focus on the election and not how much money he made and how much he paid in taxes. He’s allowing this issue to grow beyond his control. For example, this article, while lampooning Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (rightfully so I might add), this is bringing negative attention to the fact that Mitt Romney has broken the 60 year tradition of submitting 5-12 years of tax returns. A tradition that his Father started.

    Please Mitt, you need to submit the returns otherwise you’ll be on the back of your heels through November.

  23. OMG!! Laughed so hard I cried….. Harry ( and Nancy too) are a. PT Barnum dream: still looking for the “Egress”!

    Thanks Keith, made my day!

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