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Obama and Biden to Marry Each Other

by Keith Koffler on May 9, 2012, 1:45 pm

President Obama and Vice President Biden today decided to emphatically demonstrate their support for same-sex marriage by marrying each other.

The happy pair briefly appeared before reporters this morning to announce their engagement.

“He’s articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” Biden said. “And I love him.”

A gushing Obama seemed at a loss for words.

“What can I say?” Obama said. “He makes me laugh.”

It’s hard to calculate the effect on the nation of the move. A president and a vice president have never been married before, although there is anecdotal evidence to suggest that Spiro Agnew once asked Richard Nixon to marry him. Agnew, according one version of the story, got down on one knee in the Green Room and proposed. Nixon replied, “Get the (expletive deleted) out of here you moron.”

Obama and Biden will each divorce their wives, who also plan to wed.

“Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden have been working and appearing together for the ‘Joining Forces’ campaign to support military families, and this just takes it a step further,” said a spokeswoman for Mrs. Obama.

The president and vice president will be married next month by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the Holiday Inn in Silver Spring, Maryland.

“I’ve always wanted a June wedding, and there just weren’t any rooms available on such short notice,” said Biden in explaining the relatively modest venue for the event.

Peppered with questions from shocked reporters at today’s briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney described the wedding as a routine government event.

“Look, throughout history it has been the norm for the two heads of state to be married to each other,” Carney said. “I think everyone is aware that countries have traditionally been ruled by kings and queens.”

Carney said the decision for the two to marry was made two months ago, although “the president and vice president feel they have been destined for each other since birth.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney wished Obama and Biden well. “This sure makes my job a heck of a lot easier,” he said.

Obama and Biden plan to honeymoon on Nantucket. Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden will travel together to Fiji.

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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

veritaseequitas May 9, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Funny.

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William May 9, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Well, he does think of himself as a king…

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kmbog May 9, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Pillow talk just became that much more interesting in the White House residence…

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Boo May 9, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Are they on the wedding gift register at Target?

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veritaseequitas May 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Pet Smart. Joe is giving Barack a litter of puppies.

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MT for re-redistribution May 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm

mmmm, tender

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Ron Ziegler May 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

They’re like rabbits or squirrel. Dice, briefly boil, then saute in butter and shallots and serve with mustard sauce and some of Michelle’s crunchy greens. Or they can be barbecued Indonesian style, but that’s an acquired taste.

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Lizzy May 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Well they do all deserve one another.

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Girly1 May 9, 2012 at 2:07 pm

This is exciting, Keith! Is it going to be a June wedding?

I can see it now:

MooCow will be the Best Man

Rahm will be the Maid of Honor

Elena Kagen will be the Flower Girl

Jill Biden will be the Ring Bearer

Poor Reggie – guess he lost out. Too bad, he was better looking than Plugs!

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Sadie May 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

No, no…Barney Fwank will be the ring bearer.

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WMP May 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm

You certainly do have a sense of humor!

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GotFreedom May 9, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Will we get to see the “marriage license” or will they spend $$$$ on hiding that as well! WH is no doubt warming up their “photo shop” app for the impending nuptials.

Will ABC/Robin Roberts/George Stephanopoulos be providing live coverage (aka William and Catherine nuptials)???

Do you think this bonding will give Chris Matthews and extra tingle up his leg? I’ll bet he’s hoping to catch the bouquet!!!

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GotFreedom May 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

. . .and since BHO is hosting “Burt Bacharach and Hal David as part of “In Performance at the White House” series”, maybe he should speak to them this evening and book them now for the entertainment at the reception! Certainly, entertainment types will be lining up to perform at that don’t you think? And in lieu of a wedding gift, just make a donation to the re-election campaign!

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Shofar May 9, 2012 at 2:36 pm

This is fundamentally unfair to all the other gays in America. Since Biden is next in line for the Oval Office if anything should happen to Obama, if Obama were to die (god forbid) while in office, Joe would assume the Presidency and its salary. He would also be entitled to any death benefits, and any salary that any widow(er? – not sure which one would be which in this case) would be entitled too. Therefore, Biden would receive not only his own presidential salary, but also any fiscal gain that he would be entitled too, thereby double dipping to the “Nth” degree.

Then there is the question of royalties from book sales. Would that be set up in some sort of prenup to protect the children’s financial future, or would all royalties just go to old Joe?

As far as a property settlement with Michelle, who would get what? Does she get to keep the Chicago residence and the White House? Or will they do a split in real property, and she keeps the WH, and Obama gets Chicago? You know that she is not going to go willingly from 1600.

Lastly, and more importantly, will Extra, People Mag., and the Huff Po be allowed to cover the nuptials?

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Susan May 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

They haven’t thought that far ahead Shofar. They are living the rapture and excitement of the moment and have no time to think about the logistics of it. Maybe a divorce isn’t necessary for Obama. His “father” certainly never divorced his Kenyan wife when he married the pregnant teenager, Stanley Ann Dunham.

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Lanie May 9, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Did Keith forget to tell you that after the June weddings of Obama and Joe and Michelle and Jill, another wedding is planned in July. That wedding will unite the four of them in unholy matrimony combined with another big Hollywood extravaganza/Obama re-election fundraiser.
P.S. This is a secret. The October Surprise we know is coming is the wedding of Obama/Michelle/Joe/Jill and…………….BO!

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srdem65 May 9, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Which one will be the “bride”?

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A.J. May 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Difficult to say. They’re BOTH just such MEN!!! And how about the ladies? Who’ll be the Groom? Can’t quite picture Michelle in a flannel shirt and baggy corduroy slacks. But she DOES have the shoulders to make a good hubbie!!!

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Susan May 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Not gonna happen. She’d have to nix the designer duds, wighats, and bling bling…

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Lanie May 9, 2012 at 10:52 pm

The same-sexer’s haven’t yet determined what to call themselves when their pretend marriages occur. I know they disdain the words male, female, mother, and father so much those terms are being written out of many laws. I’m sure they will come up with something catchy, probably invented by David Axelrod (who by the way, is terribly angry that Obama hasn’t yet proposed to him.)

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SandraC May 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Very funny, very clever!

Sometimes, such biting humor has a nasty habit of becoming the truth! Can we take precautions?

Oh wait, I forgot. This WH has submerged and “drownded” all the usual methods of trying to take precautions.

Maybe things will change in a few monhs…..

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MaryOhSoContrary May 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I always cry at weddings (sniffling here).

I also get downright weepy at Treason, malfeasance, political thuggery, job killing executive orders, quid pro quos w/wealthy campaign donors, relatives who are NOT proud of their country (wipes eyes, blows nose).

It a wonder there is any Kleenex left in the lower forty eight…err, fifty seven states.

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Brenda A. May 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Excellent.

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Anonna May 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

There’ll have to be a new edition of the “White House Paperdolls.”

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langley barfly May 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

will Shep Smith or Anderson Cooper cover this?

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Lizzy May 9, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Shep will probably be an invited guest.

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Susan May 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

That was the snarkiest, funniest articles you have written in a while Keith. This whole gay marriage schtick is manufactured so he can earn some brownie points and $$$ from the very powerful gay lobby. What’s he gonna do about it when the states amend their constitution to define marriage? He can do absolutely nothing about North Carolina’s vote and we all know it.

Bye bye Barry. I have an elderly Catholic Hispanic acquaintance who adores you, but I think she hates gays more than she loves you and she’s very politically active. The new found hero of LGBTY (or whatever the acronym is) is going to lose a lot more of the older bigoted liberals like her over this…I guarantee.

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A.J. May 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The 1st thing I thought of after LMAO was “We’ve GOT to get Drudge to pick this up!!!!”

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MT for re-redistribution May 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm

half of those people would believe it. There, I said it.

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Cooper May 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Wow, Glad to see that Barry evolved so quickly that he and Joey Plugs are now tying the knot. And the wives also, what an example they all are to the rest of the country. I’m sure many in flyover country will heed their fine example and do likewise.

Keith, I’m guessing you do not sit on the front row (like Bob Uecker) in the press room. Does Carney hiss at you when he sees you?

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A.J. May 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Seriously Keith, Watch your back. You have mocked (and not for the first time) “THE ONE”! This is a serious transgression and you MUST be punished!!!

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Keith Koffler May 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I will be, I know.

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NON-OCCUPYING POSTER May 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Ask for the Secret Service protection. Heard they got great benefits too. wink, wink

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art May 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Maddow must be having multiple O’s about now.

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TaterSalad May 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

The President supports same sex marriage! With that said, blacks support Barack Obama and must now except the fact that they are now also, supporting same sex marriage.

Muslims, nearly all support same sex marriage. With that said, Muslims support Barack Obama and must now except the fact that they too support same sex marriage.

The Party of Food Stamps is now tacked on another word to their party and they will be known from here on out as The Party of Food Sex!

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NON-OCCUPYING POSTER May 9, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Copy that TaterSalad…..

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TaterSalad May 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm

“Tingles” just might get his chance with Barry in the future from the way it looks right about now!

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Sharon May 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Keith, great satire…loved it! That leaves the door open for Hillary and Nancy P…cute couple! Not sure what Bill will do, maybe he’ll make TimmyG his partner…then again, maybe he’ll go in on a three-some…seems possible!

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A.J. May 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I just had my wife bring me 2 red-hot icepicks so I can get rid of THAT mental picture once and for all!!!!!

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dan lewis May 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Obama and Biden ; the dynamic duo of didactic duodenums

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Sharon Gilmore May 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

This is the best article yet! Seems that the monkeys have climbed up the pole and now we all can see clearly…what jackasses. Those characters will do anything for a vote/laugh including selling out their souls. Good luck getting any takers.

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Ed May 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

It will be a June wedding in the White House Rose Garden!

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Brenda A. May 9, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Why does the phrase ‘Panderer – in – Chief’ keep running through my head???

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A.J. May 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Let’ make that pan-handler-in-chief come November.

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cindy lu May 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

That was great :)

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MT for re-redistribution May 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm

In an astounding twist in the war on women, Obama issues an executive order to get Joe to wash the dishes. A messy divorce ensues, dividing the country in half at the Mississippi river. Obama blames Bush.

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NON-OCCUPYING POSTER May 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

“What can I say?” Obama said. “He makes me laugh.”
Hey I can read between the lines.
Actual meaning, Joe’s big mouth is useful for other things also.

This is not an actual post, it is an imPoster

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big fan May 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

My favorite part was the Carney spin – you’ve got him nailed Keith!!!!!

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The Obama Timeline author May 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

It all started when Biden made that public comment about Obama’s “big stick.”

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MaryA July 2, 2012 at 6:43 pm

That’s not what I hear from the guys at Man’s Country in Chicago!

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Rob May 9, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Didn’t Biden say a couple weeks ago that Obama had a big stick???
I now know what stick he was talking about

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Spud May 9, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Stephanie Sharf May 10, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Are you mocking the May-December aspect of this pairing? Joe is 19 years older than Bam. Please, can’t we get over ageism? Next you’ll be calling Biden a cougar. I prefer to think opposites attract.

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