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Top Ten Alternatives to Apologizing to Afghanistan

by Keith Koffler on February 24, 2012, 10:06 am

With President Obama, the United States was supposedly getting a worldly figure who had lived in other lands and understood the foreign brain.

Turns out Obama has little knowledge of how other cultures think, which is why he believes bowing, offering the hand of friendship, and apologizing to overseas savages works.

Such activities, as any veteran of the schoolyard playground will tell you, breed only one thing: Disrespect, contempt, and, eventually, even worse violence.

It’s becoming clear that the more the United States apologizes to Afghanistan for burning a few Korans, the more Afghans leap into the streets. So White House Dossier has helpfully compiled for Obama a list of ten alternative approaches that the president could have taken to deal with the problem.

None, we believe, will be any less effective than “I apologize.”

Here they are.


1. Dedicate a round of golf to the people of Afghanistan.

2. Send Michelle for a symbolic vacation to Jalalabad.

3. Ask the Afghans if they’d like the Russians back instead.

4. Head to a local Afghan restaurant and bow to the wait staff.

5. Offer to make Afghanistan’s heroin “The Official Heroin of the United States.”

6. Give Afghan children a permanent exemption from Michelle’s “Let’s Move” school lunch offerings.

7. Provide unlimited, free doses of Prozac to the entire adult population of Afghanistan.

8. Change the lyrics of O Tannenbaum to O Taliban.

9. Set up a program to provide virgins to Afghan men who refuse to commit suicide bombings.

10. Demand an apology from Afghanistan for the more than 1,800 U.S. forces killed since the start of the war.

{ 6 trackbacks }


Just2old February 24, 2012 at 10:09 am

I’m with you on #10!

AZ Granny February 24, 2012 at 10:14 am

ditto! Good ones, Keith!

lc southern February 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Go with #10 and if they say no give them #3.

Janna February 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

I think #2 would be the most severe punishment although I am quite sure she would never allow #6.

Star February 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

Not sure on providing virgins–this could be a supply issue. I liked the exemption from school lunches–that could do it.

Janna February 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

Supply depends on source Star…..women are only for breeding : goats and young boys might be in trouble.

James Crawford February 24, 2012 at 10:21 am

Governor Palin already did number ten.

Star February 24, 2012 at 10:24 am

Also–big whammies in Iraq–did you see? As for “official heroin,” it always has been — with the CIA all but weeding the fields.

William February 24, 2012 at 10:25 am

The second proposal is best so long as it’s permanent.

Keith Koffler February 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm

William, she needs better accommodations than Jalalabad can offer..

Robin H February 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

Love the list. But it also makes me think. Has Obama ever been overseas to visit the troops? (I mean as president, not when he was a student)

How many times did Bush visit them? I seem to remember at least one Thanksgiving trip.

Susan February 24, 2012 at 10:48 am

According to Wikipedia Obama has been to Iraq 1 time —
April 7, 2009

Afghanistan 2 times –
March 28, 2010
December 3, 2010

I could find no list for President Bush, but he has visited the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan since leaving office. Something I doubt the grifter will ever do.

Lizzy February 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Bush never felt the need to showcase his visits with troops in the hospital or their families in fact he said no pictures to him it was a very
solem and serious part of who he was as President. They loved both he and Laura and the visits always left him drained. Obama is the star
when he rarely goes and makes sure there are pictures. Remember when the families ask for no pictures of returning caskets? He made sure he was there he had no respect for grieving families always Obama first obscene.

Shofar February 24, 2012 at 10:39 am

May I make some other suggestions:

Offer to send Joe Biden to be the official spokesman for the Taliban

Offer to napalm the poppy fields to help eradicate the drug problem in Afghanistan

Advise Karzai that the ROE will be changed effective immediately, and anyone find outside a US establishment, base or embassy will be shot on sight

Offer to send all the illegals that are in the construction trades here in the US to Afghanistan to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. They can use the slogan, “Doing jobs Afghans don’t want to do!”

Offer to send the Zetas to Afghanistan and let the drug cartels fight it out over there.

Offer/threaten to send Rosie O’Donnell, Joy Behar and the other Hollywierd elite that want to defend Islam as a religion of peace to Kandahar and Kabul to help the west better understand Islam. Wonder how many steps off the plane these folks would get before the are shot and beheaded?

Remind Karzai that he was supposed to be a puppet for the US, and if he doesn’t play nice, we will leave him to his own people.

Get the hell out of there, and let it fall back into the 14th century like they Taliban want. But first we need to bomb the crap out of any transportation infrastructure so none of these whack jobs can leave the region.

judybeth February 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

If Rosie or Joy read at all, send them copies of “What Every American Needs to Know About the Ko’ran” by Wm Federer. It is available as an eBook, too! If every American read Federer’s review and/or the info in the muslim’s so-called holy book, they would buy up copies and use them for their fireplaces/bar-b-q’s and save trees! HA!
The Ko’ran “teaches” lying and deceit to conquor Islam’s enemies! Deceit is the first step toward reaching the opportunity to overtake their enemies!

Just recall that back in the fall, Iran confiscated more than 6,000 Bibles and burned them and put more Christians in prisons. Go to and read about Pastor Youcef who has been sentenced to death for leaving Islam almost 4 years ago!

Remember: Islamic Fundamentalists believe in “actively and violently destroying” Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, etc., who get in the way of their goal: World Dominance!

So-called peaceful muslims believe that the Islamic World Dominance goal will “eventually be achieved” whether they participate or sit “peacefully” by/or infiltrate every aspect of American Society to change our American Culture “fundamentally” over time.

Plus, if a golf course can be built in the Afghan desert SOON, then BHO must go there to play! P-L-E-A-S-E get his irritating voice/face off the TV news five or six times a day! jb

Susan February 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

“6. Give Afghan children a permanent exemption from Michelle’s “Let’s Move” school lunch offerings.”

They have schools in Afghanistan?

William February 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

For boys…

Susan February 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Can only imagine the subjects they are taught. Jihadi 101…

srdem65 February 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

#2 is just mean; you know there’s no lobster in Afganistan and our troops bombed the heck out of the ski slopes there..

The Original February 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

Leave and let the Taliban take over the country again . . . not that the women of that country deserve that, but the men do. Karzai needs to remember that his father was killed by the Taliban because he and his family had fled to Pakistan to save his and his families lives. He and his family would still be in Pakistan if the US hadn’t destroyed Taliban’s control.

If it wasn’t what the Taliban does to women, I would say just let them have it.

Star February 24, 2012 at 11:33 am

By the way, where is OUR Prozac? The heck with Nuva Rings–give us drugs–despite the confiscatory prices and disgusting side efx.

Lizzy February 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I don’t think there is enough Prozac to deal with Obama and Frau Foodie.

Star February 26, 2012 at 11:58 am

I am willing to try, though…

MaryOhSoContrary February 24, 2012 at 12:03 pm

11. In deference to the outraged Muslims*, the US environmentalists, and the UAW…Buh-Rock will send every male Afghani** a brand new, 2012 Chevy Volt!!!

*Flame Retardant glove box copy of Koran included.

**Of course NO female driving permitted!

veritaseequitas February 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

3, 7 & 10

BeeCee February 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

10, 10, and 10!

Lizzy February 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Air Force One, with its lights turned off for security reasons, touched down at Baghdad International Airport at 5:31 p.m. (9:31 a.m. EST) and taxied to a remote corner of the airport.

Bush then went to a hangar where about 600 members of the 1st Armored Division and the 82nd Airborne Division had gathered.

The U.S. forces had been told that L. Paul Bremer, the U.S. civilian administrator in Iraq, and Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, commander of coalition forces, would be attending the dinner.

As Bremer prepared to read a presidential proclamation to the troops, he said, “Let’s see if we’ve got anybody more senior here who can read the president’s Thanksgiving speech. Is there anybody back there who’s more senior than I?”

Bush then emerged, misty-eyed and wearing a U.S. Army exercise jacket, to a roaring ovation.

The shocked and elated soldiers jumped to their feet, pumped their fists in the air, roared with delight, and grabbed their cameras to snap photographs.

“I was just looking for a warm meal somewhere,” Bush joked, and added: “I can’t think of a finer group of folks to have dinner with.”

Then the commander-in-chief got serious.

“You are defending the American people from danger and we are grateful. You are defeating the terrorists here in Iraq.”

The insurgents in the country are “testing our will. They hope we will run,” he said.

But, he said, “we did not charge hundreds of miles into the heart of Iraq, pay a bitter cost of casualties, defeat a ruthless dictator and liberate 25 million people only to retreat before a band of thugs and assassins.”

That line prompted a standing ovation.

“We will prevail. We will stay until the job is done,” he said.

Thanksgiving 2003

Just2old February 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Thanks Lizzy for the reminder of how a genuine leader behaves; Inspires and motivates…

Susan February 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Obama knows how to inspire and motivate our enemies…

Robin H February 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Yeah, that visit. :)

And now we have this piece of crap apologizing to the enemy.

lc southern February 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Oh how we long for the days when other countries were afraid of the President. One who would kick them in the ass and not bow…

Joshua February 26, 2012 at 3:33 am

There is nothing charming or dignified about this.

As far as I’m concerned, both Bush and Obama are narcissists. The only difference being the kind of audience each caters to.

This is the kind of thing narcissists dream about. They want to be seen as heroes and messiah figures. They are not. They are ruthless, remorseless, vicious, callous, unsympathetic, undignified and profoundly self-absorbed. Bush’s speech and his supposed concern for troops would mean something if he’d ever actually risked his life in combat, like his father had. It would mean something if he had any real concern for the lives of the boys he was asking to die for the sake of his limelight. Narcissists are masters at creating and exploiting “zeitgeist” for their own self-gratification. But in the end it is literally all an act, a game to them.

The crucial difference is that archetypal heroes take great personal risks themselves, and they pay the the price themselves when the risks they take result in tragedy and failure. Narcissists manipulate others through lies coercion and force, into taking those risks. And then swoop in and bask in the praise and attention they have risked nothing to earn. When they fail, they will go yo any lengths, sink to any depths, to scapegoat and demonize others for their previous lack of concern for the facts.

The other crucial difference is that real life heroes almost never desire attention or recognition for what they did.

Anonna February 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Very funny stuff!

Cherry Walker February 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Here is a wonderful rebuttal to O’s apology!

Susan February 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Excellent letter of apology!

MarjoJimbo February 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Very powerful!

Noma February 24, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Well done!

Steve February 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm
srdem65 February 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

DrK is so-o-o droll. I don’t always agree with him, but still love to hear him speak.

DeniseVB February 25, 2012 at 8:25 am

I had the pleasure of seeing DrK speak in person and one of the questions he took from the audience is why are you no longer a liberal Democrat? His response: I grew up. Love him !

MT for re-redistribution February 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Yep, unfortunately as I predicted… the apologizer and chief’s training-bra response encouraged the animals to rage some more.

If I wrote what I really thought, it would certainly be removed, and maybe the SS would come sniffing around. This _resident is an enemy of freedom.

MT for re-redistribution February 24, 2012 at 2:18 pm

About the comic book burning:

“Afghanistan wants NATO to put those responsible on public trial.”

Afghanistan can lick my …

Justavet February 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Keith, That is some damn good comedy writing. Too bad there isn’t some middle or the road comic with some common sense on late night that would air these brilliant suggestions. You could have a great career.

Wait, I just remembered how sad it is that funny comments have to highlight the apologizer in chief to show his poor judgement. Can you imagine this guy (Obama) if he didn’t have handlers and teleprompters?

anneinarkansas February 24, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Keith, this is as good as Charles Krauthammer on algae reasearch.

MT for re-redistribution February 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm

When a country kills it’s liberators, what can you do? The _resident should order the immediate withdrawal of all US military personnel from Afghanistan. Karzai will be on his knees begging for the chance to apologize. There will be an islamic coup within moments of the withdrawal, and Karzai will be dead. Then we can use the country for smart-bomb practice every time a “leader” shows himself.

Bobble February 24, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Back when the Florida pastor burned a Koran the Daily Rash reported on an Afghan man who postponed stoning his wife to avenge the burning.

Susan February 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

The Onion does better satire in my opinion.

rulierose February 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

this is genius! I love #5 especially.

I sent it to some liberal friends, but they pretended not to be amused.

Obama must must must MUST go! I’m begging everyone in my home state of Michigan to get out the vote for Romney Tuesday. don’t bother “sending a message” to the GOP by voting for Iran Paul…”send a message” to The One and let him know that America has done enough apologizing!

Keith Koffler February 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Thanks everyone. And to the White House, I apologize.

Beam Me Up February 25, 2012 at 1:24 am

HAHA! Now that was funny right there, I don’t care who you are!

Janna February 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

Yes, but did you bow ??

Sean February 24, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Get our guys out then burn ALL the death cult toilet paper holders with a few Minuteman III W87/Mk21or UGM-133A Trident II D-5 W88/Mk5s. We will be better off in the long run.

Aunty M February 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Even though I am rather hawkish, I say let us leave Afghanistan and Iraq too.
I know, we left Iraq some time ago, but I am sure there are still some Americans there. If the Brits and the Russians couldn’t tame these savages, what makes us think we can???????

Jan February 24, 2012 at 8:00 pm

We’re a little short of virgins.

Fred February 25, 2012 at 1:31 am

Tell them to “Kiss my ass!”. Screw the Taliban and their religion. I’m thinking that is what most true Americans would tell them, sure as hell would not extend them an apology! Then, get our butts out of their country and let them fend for themselves!!! Russia learned the lesson, why don’t we?

Star February 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Let’s leave before we have to crush books on Kindles instead of paper. No one should be destroying books of any kind–bibles or Korans–this whole thing is ridiculous. I know it was not a mistake–so-called–and now more Americans have been killed.

Jack Wheeler February 25, 2012 at 10:16 am

#2 Make sure that our First Lady (Queen Michelle) is dressed with her thong in full view as every Muslim wants to see that shot!

judybeth February 25, 2012 at 11:50 pm

WOW! Can’t get that image out of my mind unless I try very hard to imagine her covered head/face-to-toe in a burka or whatever it is that women must wear! jb

Loren McQueen February 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

We would be glad to help with the virgins….except….we had a Parade of Virgins in Pueblo, CO….didn’t work out too well….the 6 yr old got sick and the young one wouldn’t walk by herself.

Arial spraying with Prozac might be the answer.

Hubcap February 25, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Thank you for showing the true American spirit. Bravo!

judybeth February 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Keith, My reply to Shofar about sending Rosie & Joy to Kandahar was posted last night about 10:30 cdt, but it is not there, today. Did I hit the wrong buttons to post or did you remove my comments?
I asked readers to check site about Pastor Youcef under death threat in Iran plus send/read info about what is in the Kor’an.
Did I overstep your standards for acceptable comments?
If so, I “APOLOGIZE” to you and all of your readers! Since I am only 5 feet tall, I could BOW, but nobody would notice! jb