As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Obama to Give Catholics a Present

The White House today announced that President Obama is planning on buying Catholics a present to make them feel better in the aftermath of a an administration decision to require Catholic institutions to provide employees with free birth control.

“It will be a beautiful gift,” said Obama in an interview with Diane Sawyer, who looked on lovingly at the president as he described searching Amazon for something “meaningful and expensive.” Said the president: “I mean, it will be at least $25 so I can get the free shipping, but probably much, much more.”

Obama refused to reveal any details about the gift itself, even declining to say which Amazon category he will ordering from. “I want it to be a surprise,” he said.

Obama acknowledged he had underestimated how much Catholics care about their religion.

“My political adviser, David Plouffe, told me his polling had shown that people stopped clinging to their bibles in 2010,” Obama said. “I mean, I thought the small people had  advanced in their thinking by now, after three years of listening to me. But I believe everybody has a right to live in the Dark Ages, and just to show I love them anyway, I’m getting them a gift.”

Obama apparently will not select the button on Amazon that would have the gift wrapped. A lucky Associated Press photographer photographed Michelle Obama Thursday shopping at Target for wrapping paper.

Meanwhile, an unusual coalition of Jewish, Muslim, Evangelical, gay and lesbian, transgender, Native American, and women’s groups vehemently condemned Obama’s plan to purchase a present of Catholics.

“Oh, so we don’t get a gift, is that it?” said the group’s spokeswoman, Arlene Quibblesworth. “Nothing for us? Can you imagine how we’re all going to feel when the Catholics are opening their gift and we’re just sitting there without anything? This is clearly establishment of religion, by the way.”

The White House signalled it was also ready to potentially relax some of the requirements of the new rule, or at least to give Catholic organizations a way to pretend they are not supporting birth control.

“We’re going to work out an arrangement with Catholics where they won’t have to compromise all of their principles – just some of them,” Obama told Sawyer.

In a conference call with reporters, a senior White House aide denied the arrangement would have any impact on the president’s determination that nothing should impede free love.

“The president is firm in his conviction that people must be allowed to have all the sex they want at the lowest cost possible,” he said. “This is an important Constitutional principle that was established in the 1960s by The Beatles. It supersedes nebulous concepts like the free exercise of religion, especially after a couple of drinks.”

The official, who declined to be named but who claimed to be supine while on the phone, added that the issue wasn’t just about the rights of women, but the rights of men as well.

“How can we tell all these studs who want to sleep with dozens of women that they should have to risk knocking one of them up?” he said.

A spokesman for the Vatican described White House efforts to placate Catholics as unsatisfactory.

“While we of course are looking forward to our gift, we continue to believe Catholic institutions should not be forced to pay for birth control,” he said.

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30 Responses to Obama to Give Catholics a Present

  1. One of your best Keith, good thing I put down my coffee first. Let’s see $25 dollars at Amazon…is Obama going to give all of us Catholics copies of his books? Probably should have read those when they were first published, then we could have avoided this mess.

  2. I bet he goes whole hog and buys the Catholics an iPod with copies of his greatest speeches on them. And if they don’t listen, he’ll have them go to special camps where they will sit in tents listening to his speeches over and over until they quit clinging to religion.

    Very funny, Keith! And “Arlene Quibblesworth”? That’s classic!

  3. Maybe Obama is going to publish a couple of new books, and use the gift idea as a way to push the books to number 1 on the Amazon best seller.

    I’m sure the books will cover the complications of the sexual revolution, and the concept of free love (which by the way we, the boomer generation, have learned is not FREE – STDs, AIDS, children by multiple partners and the subsequent child support obligation, etc.). Suggested titles are: “The Audacity of Sleeping with Skanks” and “Wet Dreams of My Father(s).” Other suggested titles that were quashed by the missus, “Thick and Thin, a Marriage of Power”; “The Complete Catholics Guide to Guilt Free Sex”; “Clinging to Guns and Bibles – the Scourge of the 21st Century”; “The Complete Dummies Guide to Dhimmitude”; and finally “How to Win Radical Islamic Friends and Destroy a Country.”

      • I’m still waiting for Holder to blame Vin Diesel for the failed operation.

        Issa: “AG Holder, who do you hold responsible for the failures of Operation Fast and Furious?”

        Holder: “Congressman, we at the DOJ thought that we had recruited Vin Diesel to take the command and control aspect of the operation. With Mr. Diesel’s success at previous Fast and Furious operations we felt that he would be the best candidate to coordinate the operation both here and in Mexico. After all he did succeed in Rio de Janeiro, and we thought the transition to Laredo would be easy. However, there was a misunderstanding with Mr. Diesel’s agent, and while we thought he was going to coordinate our efforts here and in Mexico, he thought he was making a movie about Mexico.”

        Issa: “So your saying that an actor was going to be responsible for the operation?”

        Holder: “Yes sir. We felt that, since Mr. Obama was acting in the role of President, it would be natural to have a real actor take charge of the operation.”

        Issa: “What are yours and the DOJ’s plans to correct and fix this situation?”

        Holder: “We are planning on suing Mr. Diesel for breach of contract, and will attempt to recoup the losses that the federal government incurred during the course of the operation.”

  4. OMGosh — Keith, that is so funny. I can hardly wait to see what the gift will be. (And the comments on the piece are darned funny, too.)

    I think Michelle will be romping with Jimmy Fallon through some of the nation’s most beautiful Catholic churches, too, in an exercise video aimed at Catholics and called, “You’re Too Sexy for Your Religion’s Principles.”

  5. Very entertaining satire.

    The real irony is that Obama will give Catholics a gift (later today) according to the morning news – an “accomodation”. Stay tuned for details.

    No doubt, President Pollyanna Gump will be expecting their vote in November in return. How fitting we are close to Valentine’s Day. Maybe he’ll enclose a card with the ‘gift’ with a catchy phrase ….

    “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

  6. Excellent piece of satire Keith. Your readers aren’t slouches either. It is good for the soul to find some humor in his despicable acts. He may bow to the pressure of voters this time around, but his most recent violation of the first amendment is just another indicator of things to come. Do we really think he will cave on issues like this in a second term? Once he has their vote (he won’t get mine), he won’t have to pander to any of the classes he has separated us into. If he wins the next election he will go full blown Hugo Chavez.

  7. Two very good ones intended for comedy purposes but actually quite accurate:
    Diane, who looked on lovingly at the president as he described searching Amazon
    “Obama acknowledged he had underestimated how much Catholics care about their religion”

    Winn

  8. Awesome hysterically honest post!

    My thought…we ate being played. This was all grand kabuki theatre to let us KNOW that Dear Leader “feels our pain” and wants to “help” us at the most intimate level (HopeyChangey Red, Turquoise and Beige Condoms for all!!!). THIS WAS OBAMAS STRIKE BACK AT SOCIAL CONSERVATIVE ISSUES AND A ROUND ABOUT WAY TO POINT OUT THE FREEBIES OF OBAMACARE AND SOFTEN THAT UNCONSTITUTIONAL INDIVIDIDUAL MANDATE!!!

    ObamaCare must be repealed in TOTAL; the heaps of bound 2000 page documents burned; the ashes scattered to the four corners and the ground salted!

  9. Brilliant, Keith! I wonder if Michelle will convert some of the rooms of the WH into gift wrapping rooms, as Candy Spelling did at her mansion? Then perhaps she and Jimmy Fallon can have gift wrapping challenges too.

  10. Putting on my tinfoil…

    Anyone else remember the Republican ABC moderated debate, when Georgie “Ahh don’t you mean your Christian faith”‘ StepOnAllOfUs asked Romney about banning contraceptives?

    Maybe Georgie expected answer that could have inflamed THIS aspect of ObamaCare?

    I’ll self deport now…

    • You don’t need a tinfoil hat to see how orchestrated the actions of these leftists are. Now everyone will breathe a sigh of relief that the church doesn’t have to finance birth control. Little do we realize that he will still force the insurance companies to cover them, which means I have to pay for abortion and sterilization services through payment of my insurance premium. That is unconscionable.

      Please don’t self deport Mary…we need you in the fight.

  11. Funny cause it’s true. The great gift of Obama, the Annointed One who knows what is best for all us peons. We are stupid for not being in awe of his greatness. I hope his phony concession gets stuffed right up his sorry ass.

  12. More smoke and mirrors by the con-in-chief and a ploy by the bishops who are in bed with the Democratic Party and only come out from hiding when they believe a leftwing policy might cause the party to lose some votes.

    In reality, the in-name-only Catholics who voted for Obama and are staunch Democrats, flaunting their dissent against the moral teachings of a faith they claim as their own, don’t give a hoot about who does or does not pay for birth control. They use it, they have abortions, they co-habitat, they divorce, they remarry and they support the culture of death without any consequence-in the here and now.

    In the end, they will still pay for birth control if they have insurance since the insurance companies are still being forced to cover and pay for it.

    This con is so obvious that only a liberal could believe it actually protects someone who objects to birth control coverage for religious reasons.

  13. Will our country survive to vote; to see someone, anyone else become POTUS and rebuke the evil that BHO has unleashed on our country???

    Heaven Help USA now more than ever!!!

  14. Funny! You did have me going there for a minute. Seems like the “accommodation”, the “gift”, the plan, whatever it is to make this an issue free choice and women’s health and not of freedom of conscience and a violation of the first amendment is not being received very graciously. Except perhaps for Diane, Valerie and the other ladies of his kitchen cabinet. Some things come to mind about this big hole Obama dug for himself — God has a plan — God helps those who cannot help themselves (dig the hole) — and Pride goeth before the Fall. And less we think Catholics will not engage, I caught part of an interview with the President of the Catholic League, who pointed out that although Obama was bringing Chicago style to the White House, he was from New York and more than willing to rise to the occasion. When all is said and done I think Barack will be buying lots of Tiffany trinkets for Mama Valerie. And who knows, maybe Gingrich will extend his Tiffany LOC. Apologies for the rant.

  15. I think the gift for Catholics will be that O will present a photo of an “unwrapped” Notre Dame Crucifix that he had them cover before he made his speech there. Remember, Mrs. O said that one of the “changes” of Mr. O would be that …..we would have to change our History. Consider ourselves lucky that we won’t have to suffer through(or pay for) CD’s of speech for all concerned(plus 1 for the Queen’s collection….. to keep it up to date).

  16. Hey Big O! Send me some Keurig K cups. I’ll need help to stay awake reading your psychiatric report. I bought it on Ebay along with your college records and true birth certificate. He was born in———erp rbxr—-ATTENTION! THIS IS THE IRS AND YOU ARE COMMITTING TREASON AS DEFINED IN THE THIRTIETH AMENDMENT. SEND IN ALL YOUR MONEY AND BE HOME TOMORROW MORNING FOR A RAID!—erp rbxr—————————————–