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The Top Ten Reasons Romney Thinks He Can Beat Obama

by Keith Koffler on February 3, 2012, 3:00 pm

Mitt Romney has put together a secret list of reasons why, if he is the Republican nominee, he can defeat Obama in the general election. Romney plans to refer to this list constantly, using it to perk him up when the going gets tough.

A Romney campaign official shared this list with White House Dossier. He insisted his name be withheld in order to discuss internal campaign matters and so Romney doesn’t kick him so hard in the ass that he would be unable to sit down at his desk for a week.

Here then, are the top ten reasons Romney thinks he can win this fall:


1. He has Utah completely locked up.

2. Obama is weakened by vegetable diet forced on him by Michelle.

3. Trump endorsement will add at least 15-20 votes during the general election.

4. Mormonism allows him to promise the country two and even three first ladies.

5. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Biden is from Saturn.

6. He won’t make McCain’s mistake of being a genuine person.

7. His campaign is preparing new challenge to Obama’s legitimacy to be president based on where he was conceived.

8. Plans not to select Dan Quayle as running mate.

9. Feels certain he can out-Tweet Obama any day of the week.

10. Is in possession of Obama’s college records, including term paper titled, “How I plan to establish a Communist paradise in the United States during my second term as president.”



Mark Holbrook February 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

11. Has managed to place a computer virus in Mr. TelePrompter that blurts out “You Lie” every time he fabricates fact from fiction.

MaryOhSoContrary February 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm

12. Ann Romney publicly states “Americans can eat what they want.”. She issues this statement while wearing a $200 frock from Dillard’s.

Star February 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Right on.

Danno February 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Kinda like Michelle’s $1500 makeover…oh and $4,000,000 vacay in Hawaii…oh and her $50,000 shopping spree…at least the Romneys spend their own money…I’m not a fan of Romney but I would prefer Satan to Obama…sorry for being redundant

Star February 4, 2012 at 11:09 am

$200 is low–a reasomable amt as thfese things go.

kaitlyn marshbanks December 30, 2012 at 5:48 pm

?!? UNLIKE Ann Romney, Michelle Obama, a HARVARD LAW GRADUATE, earned sizeable paychecks of her own. She made 400,000 dollars a year before her husband decided to run for President. If she wants to buy a 1500 dress, she can afford it. Btw, Were you as exercised over Laura Bush’s MANY travels?

srdem65 February 3, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I’d be thrilled to have a FLOTUS who claimed she had better things to do than tell the public what to do or what to eat. She may spend her days watching TV or playing with the grandkids or join a majong club and I’ll be OK with that.

Star February 4, 2012 at 11:08 am

Esp when they try to couple their trendy notions with actual actions–like sending BMIs home on the report card or the new one, trying to ban sugar, whatever that means, or strongarming big companies to sell or not sell certain items. (Strongarming–like that one? Don’t you hate people who explain jokes?)

ol gator February 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

# 5 has a typo.. biden is actually from one of the outer rings of uranus..

MT for re-redistribution February 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

haha, you beat me to it

Shofar February 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Ditto! Great minds think alike!

Susan February 3, 2012 at 4:48 pm

11. Watch Milton Friedman videos so he better understands capitalism and conservativism, and learns how destructive automatic increases in the minimum wage would be to the free market.

srdem65 February 3, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I knew I was in for a funny treat when I read the title and I wasn’t disappointed.

Just2old February 3, 2012 at 5:49 pm

You guys are all awesome! Keith, you missed Uranus, nice catch ol gator!

Knothead February 3, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Apparently many Americans think Mr. Romney is capable of being President. Apparently many Americans think he is not.
I for one once was a foolish young man and did many things that I think back on that were not to Conservative. We’ve all been up that road. So to say I am against Romney because of his past is redundant.

“The best safety device in a car is a rear view mirror with a cop in it.”

Star February 4, 2012 at 11:12 am

I used to be a Democrat even! And on good days, I am not a complete idiot. Things can change.