The scene is the first lady’s office in the East Wing of the White House. Two of President Obama’s top political advisers, David Axelrod and David Plouffe, have stopped by for a chat about Michelle’s spending habits.
Axelrod: Mrs. Obama, we want to talk to you about, you know, um . . .
Michelle: No, I don’t know.
Plouffe: Your spending. Your over-spending, to be precise.
Michelle: Excuse me?
Axelrod: Mrs. Obama, the campaign this year is going to be painting a contrast between President Obama as a man of the people and Mitt Romney as an out-of-touch elitist. But if you keep taking luxury vacations and wearing all this expensive stuff, it’s going to undermine our message.
Michelle: You’re not talking about the lingerie are you? You know that story is false.
Axelrod: I know, it’s just –
Michelle: I mean, what was I going to do with $50,000 worth of lingerie? You know, unless I was planning to go into business myself.
Axelrod: No, of course not. You –
Michelle: I only spent $40,000 in that store, and that’s a fact.
Michelle: See, you guys are too easy. I’m just messing with you.
Plouffe: Oh, thank God.
Axelrod: For example, Mrs. Obama, very regrettably, we need you to cancel your upcoming ski vacation in Colorado.
Michelle: What? Cancel my trip to Colorado? Now where am I going to ski? You know full well there’s no snow on the East Coast. Of course I’m going to Colorado.
Plouffe: You see, you just had a vacation, and to average Americans, it looks bad that you jet out to Colorado, eat buffalo ribs at a fancy restaurant, and so forth. You can’t go to Colorado.
Michelle: Okay, I’ll go to Utah.
Plouffe: No, you see, that doesn’t really solve the problem. Can’t you ski somewhere in Virginia?
Michelle: You mean on snow made by snow machines? No chance in Hell.
Axelrod: And while we’re on the dining issue, we really need you to tone it down. Actually, we want to arrange for an AP photographer to just happen to photograph you at McDonald’s.
Michelle: Okay, I can do that. What do they serve there?
Plouffe: At McDonald’s?
Axelrod: Oh, well, you know, burgers, fries, that kind of thing.
Michelle: That’s right, I haven’t been there in a while. But I can get a perfectly good burger at Morton’s Steakhouse.
Axelrod: Again, that doesn’t exactly solve our problem.
Michelle: Okay, I’ll go to McDonald’s. I’ll have a Big and Tasty.
Plouffe: They don’t serve that anymore.
Axelrod: Also, we’d like to turn down the volume on your wardrobe a bit. For example, if you could avoid wearing any dress that costs more than $300, it would really help.
Michelle: Okay, no dress for more than $3,000
Plouffe: No, he said $300.
Michelle: Oh, I see. How about I just show up in a towel?
Plouffe: And how much do you need to spend on a handbag?
Michelle: Do you want buy some cheap piece of junk? Do you want my stuff falling out all over the place on the street?
Plouffe: Certainly, there’s some type of quality stitching you can get for less than a hundred bucks. I mean, it’s just something to put your things in, right?
Michelle: That’s exactly how men look at handbags. For women, it’s more important what’s on the outside of a handbag than the inside it.
Plouffe: Listen, once we’re reelected, you can do whatever you want. We just need to put the spending on standby until November.
Michelle: And then I can get my bling back on?
Axelrod: Yes, absolutely.
Michelle: Okay, I’ll do it. Now, you guys have to leave. My wellness coach and my acupuncturist are waiting for me.