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A Grim Encounter for Michelle

by Keith Koffler on February 1, 2012, 2:30 pm

The scene is the first lady’s office in the East Wing of the White House. Two of President Obama’s top political advisers, David Axelrod and David Plouffe, have stopped by for a chat about Michelle’s spending habits.

************

Axelrod: Mrs. Obama, we want to talk to you about, you know, um . . .

Michelle: No, I don’t know.

Plouffe: Your spending. Your over-spending, to be precise.

Michelle: Excuse me?

Axelrod: Mrs. Obama, the campaign this year is going to be painting a contrast between President Obama as a man of the people and Mitt Romney as an out-of-touch elitist. But if you keep taking luxury vacations and wearing all this expensive stuff, it’s going to undermine our message.

Michelle: You’re not talking about the lingerie are you? You know that story is false.

Axelrod: I know, it’s just -

Michelle: I mean, what was I going to do with $50,000 worth of lingerie? You know, unless I was planning to go into business myself.

Axelrod: No, of course not. You -

Michelle: I only spent $40,000 in that store, and that’s a fact.

Plouffe: What??

Michelle: See, you guys are too easy. I’m just messing with you.

Plouffe: Oh, thank God.

Axelrod: For example, Mrs. Obama, very regrettably, we need you to cancel your upcoming ski vacation in Colorado.

Michelle: What? Cancel my trip to Colorado? Now where am I going to ski? You know full well there’s no snow on the East Coast. Of course I’m going to Colorado.

Plouffe: You see, you just had a vacation, and to average Americans, it looks bad that you jet out to Colorado, eat buffalo ribs at a fancy restaurant, and so forth. You can’t go to Colorado.

Michelle: Okay, I’ll go to Utah.

Plouffe: No, you see, that doesn’t really solve the problem. Can’t you ski somewhere in Virginia?

Michelle: You mean on snow made by snow machines? No chance in Hell.

Axelrod: And while we’re on the dining issue, we really need you to tone it down. Actually, we want to arrange for an AP photographer to just happen to photograph you at McDonald’s.

Michelle: Okay, I can do that. What do they serve there?

Plouffe: At McDonald’s?

Michelle: Yes.

Axelrod: Oh, well, you know, burgers, fries, that kind of thing.

Michelle: That’s right, I haven’t been there in a while. But I can get a perfectly good burger at Morton’s Steakhouse.

Axelrod: Again, that doesn’t exactly solve our problem.

Michelle: Okay, I’ll go to McDonald’s. I’ll have a Big and Tasty.

Plouffe: They don’t serve that anymore.

Axelrod: Also, we’d like to turn down the volume on your wardrobe a bit. For example, if you could avoid wearing any dress that costs more than $300, it would really help.

Michelle: Okay, no dress for more than $3,000

Plouffe: No, he said $300.

Michelle: Oh, I see. How about I just show up in a towel?

Plouffe: And how much do you need to spend on a handbag?

Michelle: Do you want buy some cheap piece of junk? Do you want my stuff falling out all over the place on the street?

Plouffe: Certainly, there’s some type of quality stitching you can get for less than a hundred bucks. I mean, it’s just something to put your things in, right?

Michelle: That’s exactly how men look at handbags. For women, it’s more important what’s on the outside of a handbag than the inside it.

Plouffe: Listen, once we’re reelected, you can do whatever you want. We just need to put the spending on standby until November.

Michelle: And then I can get my bling back on?

Axelrod: Yes, absolutely.

Michelle: Okay, I’ll do it. Now, you guys have to leave. My wellness coach and my acupuncturist are waiting for me.

Leave a Comment

{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

MarjoJimbo February 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Keith, you are in a very cynical mood today! I am enjoying it!

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Kathy February 1, 2012 at 2:45 pm

LOVE the post. Michelle must have just eaten or had something from the “tea trolley” b/c her responses weren’t as angry as usual. She has enough clothes/shoes/bags to last her a looooooong time. She doesn’t need to go shopping any more.

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Girly1 February 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Keith, this has the makings of a great stage play – The Secret Life of the WH Shop-a-holic – or How to Survive on $50K a Day….

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Susan February 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Thanks for the snarky post, Keith. It really lifts the spirits. The scariest part for me if he wins re-election? Her having free rein to go wherever she wants and whenever she wants. She’ll be able to spend as much as she wants on designer gowns, baubles and accessories and we can’t say a dang thing about it. Right now she’s just picking on our kids about what they eat, but just wait ’til he wins the election. She’ll be on Jay Leno giving her orders on what the rest of us will be allowed to eat. It is a frightening scenario.

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Lindy February 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I don’t care what her dresses and bling cost as long as we don’t have to pay for them. She can spend Barry into bankruptcy for all I care.

What concerns me are all the trips she takes on government jets that we pay for with our taxes.

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Susan February 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

She was taken aback when she first learned she didn’t get a salary for being first lady. My guess is she isn’t paying a red cent for her designer crap. Her supposed $50K lingerie buy was in New York City. You can bet your bottom dollar we paid dearly to jet her and her entourage on that shopping spree. I’m sure there have been many other shopping trips she’s taken that we aren’t aware of.

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Anonna February 1, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I’m curious, too, how this works. I read a theory that she borrows a dress and then, after it is worn and worth much less than brand new, it is given to her as a gift and valued as used.

Nancy Reagan got in trouble for borrowing and keeping clothes because they were illegal gifts. MoochMORE wears so many different outfits that I wonder if she borrows them, sweats in them, and then sends them back. That would explain why so many don’t seem to fit her. They aren’t being altered to fit her, so she slides her gut and butt into the smallest size possible and her small bosom lets the front of the dress hang empty.

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ac7880 February 1, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Boob Belts cover a lot in flesh as well.

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barkley pontree February 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Keith, good job. Writing good sarcasm is difficult and doing it in such a conversation format is a real talent.

barkleypontree.blogspot.com

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Lizzy February 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm

So you were the fly on the wall :-)

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srdem65 February 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Good one!

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blondie February 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Who paid for her trip to LA? We the taxpayers, or the reelection campaign,since thats essentially what she’s doing. Why do we have to fund her appearences on Jay Leno and her fund raising with the Hollywood elite?

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Keith Koffler February 1, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Thanks everyone, glad you seemed to like. Everything to me seems possible except the last line, where she says, “okay.”

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Annie's Mom February 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm

She’s not going to give in that easily. There has to be a deal…I’ll do it, but, in return, I want this….

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Sadie February 1, 2012 at 5:37 pm

What! No note from the attorneys. Well, consider yourself on the list, Keith.

:-)

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Lizzy February 2, 2012 at 12:07 am

I think we all may be on that list:-).

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DeniseVB February 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Great snark Keith ! But I think you were much gentler with Mrs. Obama than HBO’s going to be with the caricature of Sarah Palin in “Game Change”. Or Meryl Streep’s protrayal of Maggie Thatcher.

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truthzone February 1, 2012 at 6:35 pm

What an idiot you are, and if you do indeed work for the White House Press Corp it just proves how low this country’s media has sunk. Pretty sad.

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ac7880 February 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm

What a libtarded azz kisser you are. Sad the depths the democrat party has fallen to.

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truthzone February 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Oh, you really don’t work for the White House…just the typical Obama hater. Well, get use to venting your mindless hate for four more years. :-)

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ac7880 February 1, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Hey Douche bag, put down the crack pipe and get your posts together.

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truthzone February 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm

And a question…why do you average white guys fear Michelle Obama so much? I was looking at the titles of your posts and you seem obsessed with her. She’s that formiable, huh?

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Sadie February 1, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Do you have problem stringing three muddled thoughts together in a single post? You had me on baited breath waiting for you to play the race card.

.

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Knothead February 1, 2012 at 8:08 pm

“idiot”, “hater’, “average white guys”, “formiable”, “fear Michelle Obama “, What’s your point, sir or madame?

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Shofar February 1, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Keith,

Are you SURE this is satire? Sounds like a real conversation that may well have been held in the East Wing.

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MaryOhSoContrary February 1, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Keith….great premise…but Axie and Poofy conversing with Me!chelle and NO cameo by the _resident? Was Valerie too busy?

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Star February 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

Poofy–LOL.

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PittsburghAAA April 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Would love to see “Axie” do a real push up. He’s got the uhh-uhh-uhh part of it “down solid”.

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William February 1, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Total fiction. There’s no way Axelrod and Plouffe would be alive after saying those things.

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MT for re-redistribution February 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yeah, I was expecting to read “…the sound of rapid, repeated slapping heard by dozens outside the door…”

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Knothead February 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm

From what I’ve observed, the hideous outfits she wears are not worth one thin dime or even a measly red cent. But it’s our money and she needs it NOW!

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anneinarkansas February 1, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Too Funny…I needed that laugh tonight.

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QueenOfScott February 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Shell: “Would it help if I disrupted Target with another shopping trip?”

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QueenOfScott February 1, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Shell: “Hey, I can do Aldi’s…we need green beans.”

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MT for re-redistribution February 2, 2012 at 11:24 am

I usually love your satire Keith, but after seeing yet another TRILLION in deficit spending, it just makes me sick to my stomach that this traitor and his thugs are allowed to continue destroying the United States of America.

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frosty7530 February 14, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I would loved to have been a fly-on-the-wall to have seen 1stLadyM, being confronted re her gaudy lifestyle!

What absaloutely needs to be done is an objective study of past histories of First Ladie’s and their budgets: To include official WH staffing/expenses, along with vacations taken by 1st Lady; alone and with her husband. I refer to leisure vacations, as we know our President’s are never fully private.

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Roho February 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Scary ’bout the re-elect, there’s no way I want to see that. But curiously, I’m kind of fascinated with her “getting my blings back” means not only a wide open spense account of our tax dollars for more handbags, shoes, dresses and private vacations but also a binge on off the diet she’s been grudgingly keeping herself on so she can preach to the rest of us about staying thin. Should another 4 years of the fragmented First Lady ensue, I predict that a “wide” butt will become an easy attraction on the slopes of Aspen to spot and something like a ride, like a hot-air balloon, that not only Barrak, but little kids would want to ride.

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norma February 21, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Abdolutely shameless…this woman should be used to mop the floor in hell.

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