Previous post:

Next post:

Obama’s Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

by Keith Koffler on January 3, 2012, 4:59 pm

Well, we’ve done it. The chief of the White House Dossier investigative unit, Bob Woodboard, has obtained a the original copy of President Obama’s 2012 New Year’s resolutions.

We present here the top ten of those resolutions, exactly as written by Obama. As you’ll note, he appears to have changed his mind on one of them.

1. Convince Iran once and for all that we mean it no harm.

2. Throw Mrs. Robinson out of the White House.

3. Start hitting from the men’s tee.

4. Confess my love for Angela Merkel.

5. Enter twelve step program to help me stop expanding government.

6. Catch the guy who stabbed Muammar Qaddafi in the ass.

7. Stand up to Michelle and tell her to stop taking so many vacations.

8. Find out who is running economic policy and fire them.

9. Try not to look so natural when bowing to Saudi leaders.

10. Next time Bo asks for a flight on his own private Air Force jet, say, “No, bad dog!”


Please let me know if there are any others you are aware of . . .

{ 1 trackback }


Mark Holbrook January 3, 2012 at 5:10 pm

11. Double Mr. TelePrompter’s salary so he will be around for the entire campaign.

Lizzy January 3, 2012 at 5:15 pm

#7 and #10 could be interchangeable :)

Knothead January 3, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Yes, yes they could. Now that’s hilarious.

Mark Davis, MD January 3, 2012 at 5:35 pm

11) Bring America to its knees in 2012
12) Channel as much money as he can to the entitlement crowd.
13) Provide tens of billions for more bridges to nowhere.
14) Bloat the government payroll even more

Lizzy January 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm

#7A Revoke both Obama’s passports well Michelle’s at least.

Cavalor Epthith, Esquire, D.S.V.J. January 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm

This is why there will not be another Republican president for 40 years. James Carville, once again, was spot on; the republican base is no longer intelligent enough to choose a viable candidate.

Qu’ul cuda praedex nihil!

Knothead January 3, 2012 at 8:56 pm

If OblameBush and Joe BiteMe are re-elected in 2012, then you, CEESquireDSVJ are correct. It could take 40 years of civil war to overthrow the dictators who call themselves Progressive Democrats.

Chuck Thomas January 3, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I’m sorry. I am confused about the spot-on-edness of James Carville. You cite his observations about republican politics, yet in September of last year he aslo said that Obumbo could not win re-election if he stayed on the course he was on. The president has not deviated one degree from his screw-America strategy since he took the oath of office. Someone has to win, So, which one is it?

Lanie January 3, 2012 at 7:15 pm

His real resolutions for 2012:
1. Keep lying about everything
2. Reward the unions with more favors than those given in 2011
3. Play more golf and take many more taxpayer funded vacations
4. Keep suing states that pass laws to protect their legal citizens against invasion from illegal alien criminals
5. Keep the newly established hotline for illegals to call me to find out how to stay in this country. I will do anything to help.
6. Nominate more Socialist/Communist’s as czars, judges, and agency heads
7. Keep adding to the federal deficit in order to destroy the future of this capitalist, racist, homophobic, warmongering country
8. Keep George Soros’ private telephone numbers handy at all times
9. Keep pushing for passage of laws that will serve to restrict gun ownership, free speech, private property, and conservative voices.
10. Find ways to illegally fund ACORN or other leftwing organizations to make sure voter fraud is rampant so I will win the election.

Jojo January 5, 2012 at 11:13 am

Lanie, yours are better than Keith’s! Good job ;-)

srdem65 January 3, 2012 at 7:29 pm

He can forget #2; First Granny is in the house.

Seriously, I find it very old-fashioned and comforting that they would keep their elderly, widowed mother close. It’s one of the two things that I find admirable about the Obamas.

Susan January 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Taking care of an elderly parent is very admirable srdem. It just seems a little suspect because she never lived with the family before Obama was elected to the presidency. Takes the shine off their gold star in my opinion.

Anonna January 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Why doesn’t he keep his elderly illegal alien auntie and uncle with him at the WH?

Robin H January 4, 2012 at 7:24 am

There’s 2? What’s the other?

Why does she never go anywhere with them? Surely granny would have enjoyed Hawaii? What exactly does she do with her time, rambling around the WH all day?

rob January 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm

she is running the country what else, Bo is here spokesman.

Mike C January 4, 2012 at 7:55 am

surely Mom-in-law is paid staff through some kind of hokey title, and is a great paid by the gov’t babysitter.

What does she do when they are gone? Pah-tee down, mutha!

FromMissouri2 January 4, 2012 at 9:06 am

Ya they may keeping her close, but don’t forget about granny from Hawaii that had to take one for the team just before the election!

Russell January 3, 2012 at 8:36 pm

#23 send Mooch to a spa to down size those hips of hers.
#24 get a year supply of Paula Dean food sent to the WH

Lizzy January 3, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Transplant Madonna’s toned arms on Michelle and see how long she goes sleeveless.

Knothead January 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

7. Get Rahm “Dead Fish” Emanuel back to dispose of the trash in the White House press corpse.

langley barfly January 3, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Thats what I dont get about Barack Hussein Obama’s “past”. Obama is a “politican” from Chicago, that septic tank of politics. So how did Obama “rise” so quickly & gloriously in Chicago politics with out getting any STINK on him…?

I know, I know… NO ONE is allowed to question, ask about, research, investigate or vet Barack Hussein Obama’s “past”.

Shofar January 3, 2012 at 8:52 pm

#?: Drop John Boehner as his sponsor for GA (Golfer’s Anonymous).

Mike C January 4, 2012 at 7:56 am

Work on getting my Reggie back

Brenda January 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I had trouble reading the rest after #3 b/c I was laughing so hard. Good ones, Keith and I knew your clever readers would add more to the list.