As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

The Presidency I Always, Always Wanted

After weeks of negotiations, President Obama has finally agreed to do a guest post for White House Dossier.

We sat down in the Oval Office last week to discuss what he’d write about.

I said to him, “Mr. President . . . ”

And he interrupted me: “Your highness.”

So I said, “Your highness, what would you really like to write about? Don’t just focus on one substantive issue. Tell us how you are really feeling.”

And he said, ‘Well, I could write about how much my drive has straightened out.”

And I said, “Well, no, more substantive than that.”

And he said, “Keith, you know, despite everything, I am having the presidency I always wanted. And . . .”

I interrupted him: “That’s it! make that your subject.”

He responded: “And so I shall!”

I’m proud to bring you his essay, which appears below. I think you’ll agree that it’s . . . it’s really something!

**********

As the holiday season kicks in, I know there are lots of bad things going on with the economy that make it possible that I won’t receive a second term. But I think I can still be thankful that I’m getting, for the most part, the presidency I always, always wanted.

When I was young and already knew I wanted to be president, I didn’t ask for presents for Christmas. Instead, I asked Santa to bring me a presidency when I grew up filled with new spending, new social programs, and progressive initiatives. And, while all these silly wars and the crummy economy have certainly interfered, Santa has kept his promise and made my wish come true.

When I came into office, everybody was complaining about the terrible recession, so we threw some money at the problem and hoped it would go away soon.

But of course, I wasn’t going to let a crisis go to waste. Why, this was the perfect moment to begin having the presidency I always wanted. So I dropped into the legislation a whole bunch of new spending on stuff I love love like futuristic energy programs and companies, renewable energy, global warming research and projects, mass transit, transfer payments to low-income earners, child care, the arts, and so much more.

Who cares if these things were shovel-ready or not? This is my presidency and I’ll do what I want with it! I told everyone that I was just trying to make sure the economy would be healthy and strong after it came out of recession. Okay, some people say you have to cure the patient before putting him on a vitamin regimen, but, whatever. People bought it.

Now, the next logical thing to do would have been to tackle the deficit by reforming entitlements, but what fun would that have been? That’s really unpleasant stuff, and totally inconsistent with the idea of me having fun as president.

Much more satisfying to me was doing health care reform, so I spent all my remaining political capital ramming a health bill through Congress, even though Americans didn’t seem to like it much. They’ll like it better once they find out  what’s in it.

Now, these overseas wars were really bothering me, because they were taking up way too much of my time and gosh are they expensive and take money away from other neat stuff I’d like to do.

So I decided to remove all the troops from Iraq, even though all these generals who lack an Ivy League education for the most part were telling me – me, Barack Obama – that we needed like ten or twenty thousand fighters to hang around Iraq and secure the victory. No way!

And while I added some troops to Afghanistan, I put in way less than my nasty generals were demanding and I announced I’m taking them out soon come Heck or high water.

That BP Oil spill thing was really annoying and distracting too. I tried to pretend it would go away, but eventually I had to devote lots of valuable time to it. Oh well, a presidency can’t be perfect.

Well, the Republicans took power in the House and really started trying to ruin my presidency by demanding that I deal with the deficit. So I tried talking to them a bit over the summer but it was so unpleasant! That nasty Eric Cantor even had the nerve to walk out on me and ruin my evening. I’m like, ‘Wow, I’m never doing this again.”

So when the supercommittee tried to get down in the weeds on the deficit this fall, I just ignored them and started doing what I really love best – campaigning. I’m really letting it all hang out this time, bashing Republicans for being the rich people-loving, corporation-hugging jerks they really are.

Oh, such heaven. To get to be the president and go campaigning at the same time!

Now this is the presidency I always wanted!

Thank you, Santa.

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39 Responses to The Presidency I Always, Always Wanted

  1. Plus, I get to ride around on my very own cool jet at my beckon call.
    I can go anywhere I want, anytime I want. Plus, I don’t have to get groped by Bis Sis’s TSA agents.
    Mooch has her own plane to ride around in so, I don’t even has to fly with the miserable woman.
    Being El Presidente is good.
    If I want a Chicago style pizza, I have the real thing flown in to the White House. After all, I’m not paying for it.
    It’s good to be me.

  2. Dear Santa,
    I know you think my brothers and sisters and I were really bad and didn’t deserve anything nice, but you gave us a Present-dentt who is really mean to us.
    He yells at us, tells us we’re lazy and stupid and, honest Santa, we work hard and are not dummies.
    We don’t like this Present-dent and want you to take him back to the NorthPole or wherever he comes from.
    We’ll be good, promise.
    Thanks, Santa

    • Yeah–that is the dangerous part. He is framing the issues and people are believing him–the mean Republicans want you to suffer and are raising your taxes, nothing I can do about it…etc.

    • I totally agree, Steve. Maybe if he thinks long enough that he is a success, he is a success?!

      I live in a state where more support him than a generic Republican. I hope that doesn’t bode for the future.

  3. When ‘lil Barry Soetoro was writing those letters to Santa – he was a little Muslim child in Indonesia who was studying the Koran. Santa obviously thought he wanted to be President of Indonesia….not the United States of America.

    Barry needs to write another letter to Santa ….asking for his ORIGINAL birth certificate….otherwise we are going to declare ‘lil Barry an illegitimate usurper and declare his Presidency null and void!

    • I sure wanted to see the bird flippin and the video has been removed due to copy rite- Darn. Just I’ll just have to flip one at the computer now. Back in the 50’s we called it a “nanner”–(Here, have a nanner.)

  4. Totally OT.
    While giving the Presidential pardon to two turkeys, this awful man pretended he was Christian clergy and made the Sign of the Cross over one of the birds. He thought it was funny.
    I have no words.

  5. And MoochMORE is busy building national recognition so she can run for Illinos Senator after I leave the Presidency, so I don’t have to spend much time with her at all and that is VERY MUCH the kind of Presidency that I wanted.

  6. Intensely OT:
    The Obamas, their children and FirstGranny handed out food parcels at a local food bank this afternoon. We know that because it was a photo op.

    The wealthy Obamas did not donate the food, nor did they prepare the packages, but allowed the poor to thank them for “giving” them their sustenance.
    The food was donated by ordinary people and local small businesses as a compassionate gesture toward the poor who don’t have enough food to keep themselves healthy. The food packages were prepared by volunteers (who were not named or pictured) who believe in helping their fellow man.

  7. Great satirical piece Kieth. Funny stuff.
    It’s a wonderful time of the year and I refuse to let the Washington D.C. misfits ruin it. Tuning out now. Back Later.. Happy Thanksgiving everyone at WHD and in the neighborhood.

    respectfully,
    StephenC.Rogers DobbinTX., USA

  8. And the icing on the cake of my big, fat, wonderful presidency Santa, would be my very own Prince Barry doll, by Mattel of course…cause y’ know Santa, Moo has gotten used to the high life and well, quite frankly, so have I, and we are going to need all the cash we can get after my one term, ’cause I am fresh out of ideas for another book. And, I mean, really, since I have done nothing but tell people how lazy and worthless they are for the past several years, I don’t think I am going to be getting too many speaking engagements. And Santa, if it can’t be a Prince Barry doll, I would settle for a Community Organizer Barry doll. Just so ya’ know.

  9. bama’s accomplishments as of May 2010
    1. Ordered all federal agencies to undertake a study and make recommendations for ways to cut spending
    2. Ordered a review of all federal operations to identify and cut wasteful spending and practices
    3. Instituted enforcement for equal pay for women
    4. Beginning the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq
    5. Families of fallen soldiers have expenses covered to be on hand when the body arrives at Dover AFB
    6. Ended media blackout on war casualties; reporting full information
    7. Ended media blackout on covering the return of fallen soldiers to Dover AFB; the media is now permitted to do so pending adherence to respectful rules and approval of fallen soldier’s family
    8. The White House and federal government are respecting the Freedom of Information Act
    9. Instructed all federal agencies to promote openness and transparency as much as possible
    10. Limits on lobbyist’s access to the White House
    11. Limits on White House aides working for lobbyists after their tenure in the administration
    12. Ended the previous stop-loss policy that kept soldiers in Iraq/Afghanistan longer than their enlistment date
    13. Phasing out the expensive F-22 war plane and other outdated weapons systems, which weren’t even used or needed in Iraq/Afghanistan
    14. Removed restrictions on embryonic stem-cell research
    15. Federal support for stem-cell and new biomedical research
    16. New federal funding for science and research labs
    17. States are permitted to enact federal fuel efficiency standards above federal standards
    18. Increased infrastructure spending (roads, bridges, power plants) after years of neglect
    19. Funds for high-speed, broadband Internet access to K-12 schools
    20. New funds for school construction
    21. The prison at Guantanamo Bay is being phased out
    22. US Auto industry rescue plan
    23. Housing rescue plan
    24. $789 billion economic stimulus plan
    25. The public can meet with federal housing insurers to refinance (the new plan can be completed in one day) a mortgage if they are having trouble paying
    26. US financial and banking rescue plan
    27. The secret detention facilities in Eastern Europe and elsewhere are being closed
    28. Ended the previous policy; the US now has a no torture policy and is in compliance with the Geneva Convention standards
    29. Better body armor is now being provided to our troops
    30. The missile defense program is being cut by $1.4 billion in 2010
    31. Restarted the nuclear nonproliferation talks and building back up the nuclear inspection infrastructure/protocols
    32. Reengaged in the treaties/agreements to protect the Antarctic
    33. Reengaged in the agreements/talks on global warming and greenhouse gas emissions
    34. Visited more countries and met with more world leaders than any president in his first six months in office
    35. Successful release of US captain held by Somali pirates; authorized the SEALS to do their job
    36. US Navy increasing patrols off Somali coast
    37. Attractive tax write-offs for those who buy hybrid automobiles
    38. Cash for clunkers program offers vouchers to trade in fuel inefficient, polluting old cars for new cars; stimulated auto sales
    39. Announced plans to purchase fuel efficient American-made fleet for the federal government
    40. Expanded the SCHIP program to cover health care for 4 million more children
    41. Signed national service legislation; expanded national youth service program
    42. Instituted a new policy on Cuba , allowing Cuban families to return home to visit loved ones
    43. Ended the previous policy of not regulating and labeling carbon dioxide emissions
    44. Expanding vaccination programs
    45. Immediate and efficient response to the floods in North Dakota and other natural disasters
    46. Closed offshore tax safe havens
    47. Negotiated deal with Swiss banks to permit US government to gain access to records of tax evaders and criminals
    48. Ended the previous policy of offering tax benefits to corporations who outsource American jobs; the new policy is to promote in-sourcing to bring jobs back
    49.. Ended the previous practice of protecting credit card companies; in place of it are new consumer protections from credit card industry’s predatory practices
    50. Energy producing plants must begin preparing to produce 15% of their energy from renewable sources
    51. Lower drug costs for seniors
    52. Ended the previous practice of forbidding Medicare from negotiating with drug manufacturers for cheaper drugs; the federal government is now realizing hundreds of millions in savings
    53. Increasing pay and benefits for military personnel
    54. Improved housing for military personnel
    55. Initiating a new policy to promote federal hiring of military spouses
    56. Improved conditions at Walter Reed Military Hospital and other military hospitals
    57. Increasing student loans
    58. Increasing opportunities in AmeriCorps program
    59. Sent envoys to Middle East and other parts of the world that had been neglected for years; reengaging in multilateral and bilateral talks and diplomacy
    60. Established a new cyber security office
    61. Beginning the process of reforming and restructuring the military 20 years after the Cold War to a more modern fighting force; this includes new procurement policies, increasing size of military, new technology and cyber units and operations, etc.
    62. Ended previous policy of awarding no-bid defense contracts
    63. Ordered a review of hurricane and natural disaster preparedness
    64. Established a National Performance Officer charged with saving the federal government money and making federal operations more efficient
    65. Students struggling to make college loan payments can have their loans refinanced
    66. Improving benefits for veterans
    67. Many more press conferences and town halls and much more media access than previous administration
    68. Instituted a new focus on mortgage fraud
    69. The FDA is now regulating tobacco
    70. Ended previous policy of cutting the FDA and circumventing FDA rules
    71. Ended previous practice of having White House aides rewrite scientific and environmental rules, regulations, and reports
    72. Authorized discussions with North Korea and private mission by Pres. Bill Clinton to secure the release of two Americans held in prisons
    73. Authorized discussions with Myanmar and mission by Sen. Jim Web to secure the release of an American held captive
    74. Making more loans available to small businesses
    75. Established independent commission to make recommendations on slowing the costs of Medicare
    76. Appointment of first Latina to the Supreme Court
    77. Authorized construction/opening of additional health centers to care for veterans
    78. Limited salaries of senior White House aides; cut to $100,000
    79. Renewed loan guarantees for Israel
    80. Changed the failing/status quo military command in Afghanistan
    81. Deployed additional troops to Afghanistan
    82. New Afghan War policy that limits aerial bombing and prioritizes aid, development of infrastructure, diplomacy, and good government practices by Afghans
    83. Announced the long-term development of a national energy grid with renewable sources and cleaner, efficient energy production
    84. Returned money authorized for refurbishment of White House offices and private living quarters
    85. Paid for redecoration of White House living quarters out of his own pocket
    86. Held first Seder in White House
    87. Attempting to reform the nation’s healthcare system which is the most expensive in the world yet leaves almost 50 million without health insurance and millions more under insured
    88. Has put the ball in play for comprehensive immigration reform
    89. Has announced his intention to push for energy reform
    90. Has announced his intention to push for education reform

  10. I think Jon’s glass of Kool-Aid might be empty.

    Looking through his list of “accomplishments”, I noted quite a few that have help stall our economic development. And also some that could be construed as a “non-truth”.

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