After weeks of negotiations, President Obama has finally agreed to do a guest post for White House Dossier.
We sat down in the Oval Office last week to discuss what he’d write about.
I said to him, “Mr. President . . . ”
And he interrupted me: “Your highness.”
So I said, “Your highness, what would you really like to write about? Don’t just focus on one substantive issue. Tell us how you are really feeling.”
And he said, ‘Well, I could write about how much my drive has straightened out.”
And I said, “Well, no, more substantive than that.”
And he said, “Keith, you know, despite everything, I am having the presidency I always wanted. And . . .”
I interrupted him: “That’s it! make that your subject.”
He responded: “And so I shall!”
I’m proud to bring you his essay, which appears below. I think you’ll agree that it’s . . . it’s really something!
As the holiday season kicks in, I know there are lots of bad things going on with the economy that make it possible that I won’t receive a second term. But I think I can still be thankful that I’m getting, for the most part, the presidency I always, always wanted.
When I was young and already knew I wanted to be president, I didn’t ask for presents for Christmas. Instead, I asked Santa to bring me a presidency when I grew up filled with new spending, new social programs, and progressive initiatives. And, while all these silly wars and the crummy economy have certainly interfered, Santa has kept his promise and made my wish come true.
When I came into office, everybody was complaining about the terrible recession, so we threw some money at the problem and hoped it would go away soon.
But of course, I wasn’t going to let a crisis go to waste. Why, this was the perfect moment to begin having the presidency I always wanted. So I dropped into the legislation a whole bunch of new spending on stuff I love love like futuristic energy programs and companies, renewable energy, global warming research and projects, mass transit, transfer payments to low-income earners, child care, the arts, and so much more.
Who cares if these things were shovel-ready or not? This is my presidency and I’ll do what I want with it! I told everyone that I was just trying to make sure the economy would be healthy and strong after it came out of recession. Okay, some people say you have to cure the patient before putting him on a vitamin regimen, but, whatever. People bought it.
Now, the next logical thing to do would have been to tackle the deficit by reforming entitlements, but what fun would that have been? That’s really unpleasant stuff, and totally inconsistent with the idea of me having fun as president.
Much more satisfying to me was doing health care reform, so I spent all my remaining political capital ramming a health bill through Congress, even though Americans didn’t seem to like it much. They’ll like it better once they find out what’s in it.
Now, these overseas wars were really bothering me, because they were taking up way too much of my time and gosh are they expensive and take money away from other neat stuff I’d like to do.
So I decided to remove all the troops from Iraq, even though all these generals who lack an Ivy League education for the most part were telling me – me, Barack Obama – that we needed like ten or twenty thousand fighters to hang around Iraq and secure the victory. No way!
And while I added some troops to Afghanistan, I put in way less than my nasty generals were demanding and I announced I’m taking them out soon come Heck or high water.
That BP Oil spill thing was really annoying and distracting too. I tried to pretend it would go away, but eventually I had to devote lots of valuable time to it. Oh well, a presidency can’t be perfect.
Well, the Republicans took power in the House and really started trying to ruin my presidency by demanding that I deal with the deficit. So I tried talking to them a bit over the summer but it was so unpleasant! That nasty Eric Cantor even had the nerve to walk out on me and ruin my evening. I’m like, ‘Wow, I’m never doing this again.”
So when the supercommittee tried to get down in the weeds on the deficit this fall, I just ignored them and started doing what I really love best – campaigning. I’m really letting it all hang out this time, bashing Republicans for being the rich people-loving, corporation-hugging jerks they really are.
Oh, such heaven. To get to be the president and go campaigning at the same time!
Now this is the presidency I always wanted!
Thank you, Santa.