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Obama’s Top Ten Time Management Ideas

President Obama recently said businesses have been LAZY when it comes to promoting themselves overseas.

It turns out Mr. Obama is not only willing to comment on the ways in which Americans can be slackers – he also recently said we have “lost our ambition, our imagination” – but he’s willing to share ideas about how to improve everyone’s effectiveness.

The White House recently leaked to me Obama’s top ten time management recommendations. They asked me to tell you, so that you can get more done during the day even if you’re being your usual lazy self.

Here they are, straight from the president himself.

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1. Cling to your bibles with only one hand so that you can do something with the other.

2. Buy my books on CD so you can listen them while driving instead of having to put aside time to read them.

3. When you donate to me, do it in one large amount so you don’t have to keep writing separate checks.

4. TiVo the GOP debates so you can fast forward through the pauses.

5. When eating lobster, don’t bother with the legs. It’s too much effort for the amount of meat you can take out of it. Also, have the waitress crack the claws while you are eating the tail.

6. Never accept an invitation to the Kerry’s when vacationing on the Vineyard. He just goes on and on and on.

7. Don’t try to visit all 57 states – it takes too long and frankly there are seven I that I can’t even locate.

8. When meeting Saudi leaders, bow or shake hands, but not both.

9. If you can, always motorcade to the golf course. It’s much quicker than driving yourself.

10. If Netanyahu is bothering you and taking up your time, complain to Sarkozy about it and see what he can do to help.

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26 Responses to Obama’s Top Ten Time Management Ideas

  1. Good work Keith, but could you make it an audio-visual list so that I am not using to much effort to read it. It wears me out reading the list. One click and I could still laze away while learning.

    i.e. : this post was typed by Knothead’s friend Headknot due to Knothead”s laziness.

  2. Au contraire Little Barry. We are actively imagining the day you will no longer be playing at being President and wrecking our country.

  3. Great article ! And in reference to #7 of this article, I think that Obama is actually even more confused with the number of states than we thought. He says, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go. Alaska and Hawaii, I was not allowed to go to even though I really wanted to visit, but my staff would not justify it.”. So if he has been in 57 with one more to go, then that makes 58 states that he thinks we have. And if you include the two states of Hawaii and Alaska that he calls the “one left to go”, then that is 59 states. Wow.

  4. Keith,

    While the WH may have released to you its suggestions on how to improve productivity by lazy Americans, I was able to obtain memorandums from other various government agencies on how to increase productivity in America.

    From Labor Secretary Hilda L. Solis: Individuals currently receiving unemployment benefits needs to spread the wealth around by hiring illegal, sorry, undocumented guest workers, to perform yard and housework. This will enable the 9+% of unemployed workers to focus on finding high paying middle class type jobs, without the worry of maintaining their homes prior to foreclosure.

    From the Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), John Morton: All individuals living on the border states will provide areas that have water, food and maps to those crossing the border. This will ensure that those crossing will be able to locate areas of high unemployment so as to get the jobs no American wants to do.

    From DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano: To ensure that all DHS employees have something to do, and departmental layoffs are not needed, the Secretary is requiring all Americans to take the time to spy on their neighbors and report any “suspicious” activity. Suspicious activity being defined as anyone criticizing the present administration; showing support for the Tea Party or GOP; returning from active military duty; hunting (they have guns); purchasing boxes of nails, screws or other building materials, even if the purchaser is rehabbing their home; or anything that pisses you off. The Department has promised to swoop in and make the individual reported life a living hell.

    From the Department of the Interior, Secretary Ken Salazar, via the Bureau of Land Management, is ordering that any individual who has any type of standing water on their property (either from heavy rains, or a leaky pipe) fence off and protect the area as a “wet land” and protect any possible wildlife that might utilize this wetland location, even if it is in the middle of a highly urban area. This will enable the property owner to hire more “guest workers” to build the fences and protect the area.

    From Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: All individuals seeking to vacation overseas will be required to assist in the “Free Gaza” flotillas that will be taking place over the next 12 months prior to them continuing on their vacation. This will show Bibi that the US is serious about reform in Israel with regard to Palestinian rights and statehood.

    These innovations and directives will ensure that lazy Americans get involved in solving the problems that America faces and will guarantee that we “punish the enemy” of American productivity.

    Just thought you would like to know that the entire administration is serious about motivating the American populace.

    Snarkily,

    Shofar

  5. OK, well as far as your list goes, it’s fine…but here is the one that has the most traction: Make sure to die without notifying Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, AFDC, the registrar of voters, WIC, etc, so you and the democrat party can continue to collect your benefits and live the lifestyle without having to lift even a little finger.

  6. From Labor Secretary Hilda L. Solis: Personally, does not apply.

    From the Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), John Morton: Personally does not apply.

    From DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano: Suspicious activity being defined as anyone criticizing the present administration; showing support for the Tea Party or GOP; EEK! That’s ME!

    hunting (they have guns); EEK! My husband!

    purchasing boxes of nails, screws or other building materials, even if the purchaser is rehabbing their home; EEK! My Husband (just bought rental property)

    From the Department of the Interior, Secretary Ken Salazar, via the Bureau of Land Management, is ordering that any individual who has any type of standing water on their property (either from heavy rains, or a leaky pipe) Damn that gravel drive-way and the Turtle wading thru the puddle last week! ( I did stop the jeep so I wouldn’t smash it! Waited a whole 5 minutes!)

    From Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: All individuals seeking to vacation overseas will be required to assist in the “Free Gaza” flotillas that will be taking place over the next 12 months prior to them continuing on their vacation. Really? Are the Bahama’s included?

    As for Motivation… I am motivated to get BHO OUT of office. I could do a better job… Hell, my Basset Hounds could do a better job!

  7. Only play golf each week on Saturdays OR Sundays. Playing both days is just overkill.

    Also, try limiting your convoys to the course to 40 vehicles or three helicopters and one C-17. Trying to use any more than that takes too much time to coordinate. For instance, put your clubs in the limo you are traveling in, don’t use a separate limo or armored SUV just for them (this comes with an added global warming constituency bonus)

  8. Don’t spend so much time analyzing the March Madness brackets. Instead, find the guy who does it for ESPN and hire him onto your staff as Basketball Czar. Give him an inflated title, a huge budget and a large staff of his own, but with no accountability. Then, the day before you are scheduled to give your interview to discuss the playoffs have the Basketball Czar brief you on their Presidential Finding (which would be accompanied by a fifteen hundred page report, printed by the gov’t printing office at great expense). When going on TV to review the NCAA brackets just read the words on the teleprompter with a lot of passion and inflection to convince people that these are your own thoughts and ideas.

    If the Basketball Czar’s pics were correct, great! Take credit over and over again by using the word “I” a lot in your speeches (e.g. “I directed people to do this,” “I picked this,” “I ordered that,” “I met with the Commissioner of the NCAA and talked directly with the coaching staffs of each school to tell them what plays to run,” etc.). If the Basketball Czar turns out to be wrong, repeatedly blame him and everyone else, including the basketball “bigwigs” and “fat cats,” all university presidents and any alumni who own their own airplane.

    Time savings: 87 hours
    Government expense: Inconsequential (only $57 million)
    Fundraising bonus: All Div I schools will now give you massive donations and hold fundraisers so that you keep your Basketball Czar from interfering through massive social engineering and regulatory schemes all of their TV revenues.