As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Obama Moves to Ohio

President Obama this morning loaded his family into one the frightening black buses recently commissioned by the White House and headed to Ohio, where the Obamas will live at a rented home in the suburbs of Columbus though Election Day 2012.

Ohio, with its 18 electoral votes, is viewed as a critical presidential battleground state – a must-win for Obama. The president is headed to Ohio today for the 3,495th time of his presidency. This time, he won’t be returning to Washington.

White House officials denied that the move had anything to do with politics.

“The president really likes Ohio,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “He thinks it’s a beautiful state with lots of – you know – stores and streetlights and stuff. That’s why he goes there twice a week. At some point, it just made sense for him to move there.”

Indeed, OMB Director Jack Lew said Obama’s decision to live in Ohio instead of flying there constantly would save taxpayers approximately $7 billion a year.

“I can’t think of a more effective, more immediate money-saving measure this government can take than to have the president move to Ohio,” Lew said. “The cost of running Air Force One out there all the time was not only raising the federal deficit, it was putting pressure on world oil prices.”

Carney insisted Obama’s decision to stay in Columbus only through Election Day was a coincidence.

“The lease is up at the end of November 2012,” he said. “This has nothing to do with the election.”

Carney said the Obamas would be living at a “modest” seventeen bedroom home on six acres of land with two swimming pools, a tennis court, a putting green, a driving range, and a jousting arena.

“It’s not what it seems,” Carney said. “Some of the bedrooms don’t have walk-in closets.”

Horrified at the thought of moving to Columbus, an irate First Lady Michelle Obama attacked White House political adviser David Plouffe with a zucchini from the White House garden.

“Ohio? Are you kidding me? This is the dumbest of all your dumb ass ideas,” she was heard saying as she smacked Plouffe repeatedly with the zucchini. “I’d rather go colonize Mars.”

Secret Service agents restrained the first lady as she reached for a cantaloupe. Plouffe was treated for minor injuries and a concussion at George Washington University Hospital and released.

Mrs. Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, said she would be staying in the White House.

“There’s no way anyone in Ohio can match the shrimp salad I get here,” Mrs. Robinson told reporters at a rare news conference.

Obama today will, as previously scheduled, visit the Brent-Spence Bridge bridge, which connects Cincinnati to Covington, Ky.

Local officials declined to comment on whether anyone who has been adversely affected by the Obama economy has jumped off the bridge.

Carney woud not say specifically whether, when the Obamas leave Ohio, they will move back to the White House.

“It depends on if the lease is up there too,” he said.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

29 Responses to Obama Moves to Ohio

  1. Whose laughing? I live in suburban Columbus! On second thought be sure to post the new address so I can send my Tea Party patriot kids over to TRICK or treat and my Golden Retrievers over to fertilize the lawn and play with Bo.

  2. Local officials declined to comment on whether anyone who has been adversely affected by the Obama economy has jumped off the bridge.

    I should have known better than to sip coffee while reading!

  3. You have such wit and humor, Keith. Thank you for making me laugh! Hope the family enjoys the extended vacation because we’re revoking their lease on the DC digs in 2012.