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The Top Ten Proposals Obama Will Make Tonight

White House Dossier has gotten its greedy hands on President Obama’s list of new proposals for reviving the economy, which he will recite this evening in an address to Congress.

It turns out, contrary to expectations, that many of the proposals are new and have not been tried before by this president. Here are the top ten initiatives that Obama will offer:

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1. A proposal for $1.5 billion in new spending to build trestles for the Bridge to Nowhere.

2. Stimulate the housing market by requiring all new homes to include a soda machine.

3. Fight unemployment with tax credits for firms that agree to hire people who are totally incompetent.

4. Allocation of $2.5 million to hire food scientists to study on the tastiest way to prepare lobster.

5. Anyone who has ever said “If I had a dime for every time” they did something actually gets a dime for every time they did it.

6. A grant of $4 million for the NIH to employ researchers to find a cure for backache incurred from bowing to world leaders.

7. Everyone gets $200 for passing “Go.”

8. Try capitalism and see if it works.

9. Provide $3 billion to the Department of Agriculture to study whether money can be made to grow on trees.

10. Fire Bernanke and allow people to print their own money.

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Got any that you’ve uncovered??

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53 Responses to The Top Ten Proposals Obama Will Make Tonight

  1. Start collecting income tax on SocialSecurity checks.
    Give HomelandSecurity 5billion dollars to hire people to throw the dirt back in the tunnels at the US/Mexico border.

  2. $535 million for the DOJ to more agents to investigate Solyndra.

    Reducing unemployment numbers by defining “employment” as “breathing without too much life support”.

    Hiring 30 million caddies.

    • Those unemployment numbers are curious though. 10 weeks in a row 400,000+ people have signed up for new unemployment benefits but the percentage remains at 9.1%.
      My math says that an additional 4 million people have become unemployed in the last 2+ months. ??

      • You need to remember that the 9.1% “unemployment: figure doesn’t include folks who’ve “given up” or managed to get a part time job. So people roll off the list about as fast as new ones are added.

        • Carl-Bear is correct in that our “official” unemployment numbers from glorious, victorious party officials don’t include comrades who have become discouraged and abandoned the perfect state of man.

          Real unemployment is more like 16 – 17 percent when you count those people back in.

          And don’t even get started on unemployment rates for teens, young adults, and African Americans: those numbers are truly through the roof.

          And of course, there’s a whole swath of the population that is under employed: doing jobs lower than what their training and experience can provide and paying less than what they could actually command in a normal economy.

  3. Announce that Trumka and Immelt are in the house, as the camera pans to the pair sitting with Michelle.
    Extend unemployment benefits another 99 weeks, and create a $200B ‘infrastructure bank’ to pay off my corporate and union cronies in the audience.

  4. Everyone will be given a shovel and the WH will provide the manure. We will be busy shoveling and WH will be busy producing. Now that’s a job plan. Oops/ been there done that.

  5. 1. Offer minimum wage to the other nine blondes or pollocks who have to turn the ladder in order to screw in a light bulb.

    2. Promote them as organizers to hire nine other blondes or pollocks each to turn the ladders for the light bulb screwers.

    3. Promote them for five figures to be czars overseeing the exponential growth of blonde and pollock ladder turners, for the Unitied Union of Light Bulb Screwer Inners.

    3. Repeat until the money runs out.

  6. JOBS Speech? Hummm…?

    Since Monopoly money is all I have left, along with millions of my American tax-payer friends, I believe the IRS should accept my income taxes paid with “good old reliable Monopoly money”! At last check, each $5 is worth more than a $5 greenback!

    BB can save billions in ink costs to the tax-payers by NOT printing more paper money which will make the almost worthless dollar worth even less!

    Just how much does it cost to print a dollar – paper, ink, machinery, labor, distribution etc., etc.?

  7. Clunkers For Cash Program. Social Security Administration will give seniors a crappy cars in lieu of their regular Social Security payments. Just HOW crappy the car is will be based on means testing.

  8. “2. Stimulate the housing market by requiring all new homes to include a soda machine.”

    But then they’d just have to outlaw soda in the home after everyone becomes obese from drinking a gallon of Coke a day.

    “5. Anyone who has ever said “If I had a dime for every time” they did something actually gets a dime for every time they did it.”

    I’d be ok with this if they were those silver dimes Ron Paul said I can buy gas with.

  9. Create jobs by building govt factories which produce huge banners depicting our “great” leaders (obozo,biden, pelosi, reed, etc.) then hand out govt $$ to those towns who will place them in high profile areas.
    “Hail to the leftist strong men” !

  10. We should definitely go for the 9th proposal. Obama can watch money trees grow while he’s teeing off. I’d also propose that he allocates funds for economists to study the rules of Hasbro’s Monopoly board game…

  11. Enjoying perusing this site, and this looked like gold from the off.

    As usual, the President effortlessly out-self-satirizes the satirist; your #3 actually made it into the proposal, of course, but in modified and even more Obamaniac form: rather than offering a tax credit to everybody who DOES hire an unemployable, Obama proposed threatening a lawsuit for everybody who DOESN’T.

    Given the choice of incentives, Obama always prefers the stick to the carrot.