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Top Ten New Taxes Republicans Will Agree to

House Speaker John Boehner has secretly handed President Obama a list of ten large tax increases Republicans can agree to. Incredibly, Boehner believes that the new taxes will be widely popular and can easily pass both the House and the Senate.

White House Dossier has obtained a copy of the list, and duly provides to you the top ten of these new taxes. See if you agree with the Speaker that the measures will be popular.


MEMORANDUM

To: President Obama
From: John
Re: Tax increases

Members of my caucus, including Tea Party members, have agreed that they can support a new tax on . . .

1. Drivers in the left lane who obey the speed limit.

2. Waiters who say “no problem” when there’s no reason to think there should be a problem.

3. Doctors who appear to be having esophageal burning when you tell them you have a question.

4. Car rental agents who offer you that insurance nobody gets.

5. Cable TV technicians who tell you they’ve only got the black colored cord in the truck.

6. Bank tellers who chirpily ask you how your weekend was.

7. Shoppers who write checks at the supermarket.

8. Anyone who says they can’t figure out why they are fat.

9. People under 60 who wear their socks over their calves.

10. McDonald’s employees who put all the pickles on a single section of the burger.

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13 Responses to Top Ten New Taxes Republicans Will Agree to

  1. For your information, MrSmartyPants, wearing one’s socks over the calf area is a political statement, especially if one is also wearing sandals made out of recycled tires, a pair of plaid, baggy shorts and a Hawaiian sport shirt.. The message is “I don’t care what you think”.
    Freedom of speech and all that.

  2. With regard to #10, we could create a huge budget surplus if this tax were extended/expanded in logically consistent ways. Orders that are shorted items at the drive-thru, incorrect or no condiments/napkins/straws, food that is folded/spindled/mutilated, drink lids not property attached to cups. The possibilities are nearly endless.

  3. the last time (I mean it!) I ordered a burger at McD’s I requested extra pickles. My burger has 2 pickle slices on it. I went back and told them I ordered extra pickles and was told “there is an extra pickle on it”. I said I wanted a pickle in every bite and was told that they count the individual pickle chips and could not give me more than one extra without throwing their inventory out of whack.
    I mean it – the LAST time…