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Top Ten Army Field Manual Interrogation Guidelines

President Obama’s decision to ban “enhanced interrogation techniques” in favor of the Army Field Manual guideline got me thinking about just what types of information extraction strategies the United States would be using in the future on its terrorist prisoners.

So we gave the manual a read. I’m not sure if these techniques are going to do the trick. See what you think.

The top ten permitted procedures:

1. Deny Arab prisoners the right to watch National Hockey League Stanley Cup playoffs.

2. Tell prisoners that if they don’t talk, Allah will send them sluts instead of virgins.

3. Refuse prisoner a teaspoon of sugar when they get the hiccups.

4. Dues for International Association of Terrorists increased from $25 to $50.

5. Every time a terrorist calls interrogator a name, interrogator responds, “I know you are, but what am I?”

6. Banned from vacationing at Disney World or any other Disney properties for life.

7. Cellmates must both wear shirt with arrow and message, “I’m with Jewish guy.”

8. No free shipping on Amazon even if order exceeds $25.

9. Pita no longer served with kabob.

10. Must learn to sing “God Bless America” in three different languages.

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25 Responses to Top Ten Army Field Manual Interrogation Guidelines

  1. Press lady with kneepads: Obama, you just took out Osama. What do you next?
    Obama wearing 2 dozen halos as seen in photos: I go to Disneyworld on 60 Minutes.

    Steve Kroft interview tommorrow.
    Thursday: ground zero.

  2. I don’t know about hardened terrorists, but I would give up the location of my secret stash of, um, cookies with threats like that.

  3. Since they, the terrorist, are so anti-Jewish here’s a few I would add:

    Must eat gefilte fish at every meal (I personally hate the stuff)

    Forced to watch Rob Schneider movies in a continuous loop (I know he’s only half Jewish, but it’s close enough)

    Must play the dreidel game nightly (maybe it’s me, but I never could get the darn thing to spin right)

    Pita bread will be replaced by plain matzah bread (you know the ones that taste like the box they came in)

    There are others I could add, but they are not for the faint of heart.

  4. Have you SEEN the Army Field Manual? Simply threaten to HIT the terrorists with it. They’ll BEG for waterboarding!!

    A.J.