White House Dossier has obtained evidence of a secret pilot program testing the new “Healthy Kids” school lunch menu on children at an elementary school in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. WHD has been provided a private memo that was sent by an agent of the first lady’s office to the White House last week. In it, the agent describes some horrifying scenes of disruption and delinquent behavior. Blog viewer discretion is advised.
What follows is the document sent to the White House, presented in its entirety.
To: First Lady’s Office; East Wing; The White House
From: Operative Fabio Incognito – aka Joe Smith, Substitute Math Teacher
MEMO: RESULTS OF TEST RUN OF FIRST LADY’S NEW SCHOOL MENU
The initial testing program here at James Monroe Elementary School in Sioux Falls, South Dakota is now complete, and the results are somewhat below expectations. Actually, the school is in a state of total chaos.
For one month now, the children have been served the raw celery and carrots, salad, whole wheat pizza, steamed broccoli and all the other items on the school lunch menu.
The new food has set off a rebellion that school officials have been unable to quash.
Angry, famished kids who refuse to eat are roaming the halls in a bad mood from skipping lunch, tearing art projects off the walls and beating up students who brought lunch from home.
Dozens of children who saw the Egyptian protests on TV have taken up residence in the auditorium, renaming it Tahrir Hall and refusing to leave until the cafeteria manager resigns or “begins an orderly transition to new leadership,” according to a student manifesto.
A cafeteria worker who tried to serve a plate of green pepper strips was attacked by a student with an ice cream scoop demanding to have “Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey or some suitable alternative.”
Two weeks ago, several students seized control of the kitchen’s deep fryer and dropped their “oven-baked fish nuggets” in it in order to ratchet up the flavor. Others armed with salt shakers ran behind the cafeteria line and and added significantly to the sodium content of the food before being forcibly removed by security.
The school vegetable garden was commandeered two days ago by sixth graders desperate for red meat, and turned into a cattle ranch.
In a particularly nasty turn of events, teachers are reporting a stunning increase in the amount of farting in class due to the high fiber content of food on the new menu. Classrooms have had to be evacuated more than a two dozen times, costing students hours of critical study time.
Kids refusing to eat the new lunch food are being found in the wooded area beside the school eating fattening foods. One student I apprehended offered the following testimony:
“You start on the Oreos, and then you move to the harder stuff, like Devil Dogs and Ho-Hos. Before you know it, you’re scarfing ribs and cherry cobbler and washing the whole thing down with Coca-Cola.”
It is the recommendation of this agent that the test program be suspended, at least temporarily, while adjustments are made. If the program is to continue unchanged, this agent requests that you order a “surge” of school security officers to contain the unrest.
Also requesting installation of a candy machine in the teachers’ lounge.