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Top Ten Acts of Civility Planned for the State of the Union

White House Dossier has learned that for tonight’s State of the Union, President Obama and Congress have planned a series of surprise events to showcase the new Era of Civility they all hope will overtake Washington.

Spoiler alert! If you wish to be surprised, please read no further. Also be warned that some of these moments are so touching that just reading about them may bring you to tears.

Below is a list of the top ten acts of civility that are planned for this evening.

1. When Speaker John Boehner begins weeping, Nancy Pelosi will ceremonially hand him a Kleenex.

2. Rahm Emanuel will follow President Obama into the Chamber throwing rose petals at members of Congress along the aisle.

3. Seats will be removed from the House chamber so that lawmakers are forced not only to sit next to each other, but to sit on each other’s laps.

4. At the mention of Roe v. Wade, Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg will rise, embrace, and begin briefly tongue kissing.

5. Yoko Ono will suddenly appear in the gallery and play an acoustic rendition of John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance.”

6. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) will rise at one point and shout “That’s no Lie, baby!”

7. Former Sen. Bill Frist, who is also a famous surgeon, will appear on the House floor in scrubs and lobotomize Keith Olbermann and Rush Limbaugh.

8. Mullah Omar and Hamid Karzai will appear and perform an Irish stepdance together.

9. Obama will announce the creation of a White House “Civility Czar” with the power to imprison people who don’t say “thank you.”

10. The president will reveal that as part of Mrs. Obama’s healthy eating campaign, the cool kids will be forced to let the geeks sit at their table.

17 Responses to Top Ten Acts of Civility Planned for the State of the Union

  1. And to think I was planning on watching the latest “Hawaii 5.0” that I have on my TIVO instead of the SOTU.
    I’m not sure that removing some of the seats (#3) is such a good idea; the standing ovations that are mandatory might result in some physical injuries to some of our elders as they are dumped on their bony butts.

  2. […] * Today Keith Koffler, editor of, offers a parody of sorts of tonight’s SOTU. He warns readers it’s “so touching” could make them weep. A mention that won’t surprise you: House Speaker John Boehner crying, And mentions that might startle you: Former Sen. Bill First performing a lobotomy on Keith Olbermann and two Supreme Court Justices “tongue kissing.” Read the full list here. […]

  3. I am with SrDem–there has to be SOMETHING recorded to watch instead. I will check back in for the critiques…easier on the heart and less upsetting to the tum.

  4. Speaking of dyspeptic–the commenters at the NYT are getting pretty ornery about all this great pivoting etc–and they usually luv this guy. I think maybe their savings are running out.

  5. Love it. The idea of having a Civility Czar is fantastic. Would Miss Manners accept the job? Czar would have powers of arrest, conviction instantaneously, and right to deny all requests for information by press. You’ve got to empower civility czars, you know.


    A SOTU address with tongue kissing!

    It’s just one of those things that you never knew you were missing until it was right there in front of you. Glorious!

  7. On a related note, am I the only one pissed off that the SOTU is cutting into “The Biggest Loser?”

    I’m almost offended that it’s breaking into my Tuesday fitness routine of watching BL while simultaneously running on a treadmill. I am fairly confident that I will be far more entertained watching heavyweights get all misty eyed about their “journeys” as a munchkin lady bullies them into weight-loss submission, than watch Obama use his teleprompters to try to win back a country that’s more or less over it. Besides, I’m at a point where his voice makes my skin crawl, and I get headaches from all my eye rolling.

    Crap. That’s not really “civil,” is it?

    Oh well, guess I better go charge the iPod.