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Top Ten Acts of Civility Planned for the State of the Union

by Keith Koffler on January 25, 2011, 7:33 am

White House Dossier has learned that for tonight’s State of the Union, President Obama and Congress have planned a series of surprise events to showcase the new Era of Civility they all hope will overtake Washington.

Spoiler alert! If you wish to be surprised, please read no further. Also be warned that some of these moments are so touching that just reading about them may bring you to tears.

Below is a list of the top ten acts of civility that are planned for this evening.

1. When Speaker John Boehner begins weeping, Nancy Pelosi will ceremonially hand him a Kleenex.

2. Rahm Emanuel will follow President Obama into the Chamber throwing rose petals at members of Congress along the aisle.

3. Seats will be removed from the House chamber so that lawmakers are forced not only to sit next to each other, but to sit on each other’s laps.

4. At the mention of Roe v. Wade, Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg will rise, embrace, and begin briefly tongue kissing.

5. Yoko Ono will suddenly appear in the gallery and play an acoustic rendition of John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance.”

6. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) will rise at one point and shout “That’s no Lie, baby!”

7. Former Sen. Bill Frist, who is also a famous surgeon, will appear on the House floor in scrubs and lobotomize Keith Olbermann and Rush Limbaugh.

8. Mullah Omar and Hamid Karzai will appear and perform an Irish stepdance together.

9. Obama will announce the creation of a White House “Civility Czar” with the power to imprison people who don’t say “thank you.”

10. The president will reveal that as part of Mrs. Obama’s healthy eating campaign, the cool kids will be forced to let the geeks sit at their table.

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srdem65 January 25, 2011 at 9:26 am

And to think I was planning on watching the latest “Hawaii 5.0″ that I have on my TIVO instead of the SOTU.
I’m not sure that removing some of the seats (#3) is such a good idea; the standing ovations that are mandatory might result in some physical injuries to some of our elders as they are dumped on their bony butts.

Star January 25, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I am with SrDem–there has to be SOMETHING recorded to watch instead. I will check back in for the critiques…easier on the heart and less upsetting to the tum.

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 6:49 pm

So, um, you guys don’t want me to “livestream” this??

Star January 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Speaking of dyspeptic–the commenters at the NYT are getting pretty ornery about all this great pivoting etc–and they usually luv this guy. I think maybe their savings are running out.

Granny Jan January 25, 2011 at 12:40 pm

We have a very crass president who has no manners. The WH released this photo of BO for the SOTU. It’s probably the 7th photo they released of him with his shoes on our furnture. The tackiest couple evah.
http://js-kit.com/blob/gLku1rdNASpojN1mnll_v_.jpg

Star January 25, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Next they will come up with an Adlai Stevenson hole in his shoe–he’s one of us! Gag.

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I don’t get why they don’t get it.

bahmi January 25, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Love it. The idea of having a Civility Czar is fantastic. Would Miss Manners accept the job? Czar would have powers of arrest, conviction instantaneously, and right to deny all requests for information by press. You’ve got to empower civility czars, you know.

Star January 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

They already have Protocol Officers–not close enough?

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 7:32 pm

But they must issue their edicts politely.

Megan January 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

FINALLY!

A SOTU address with tongue kissing!

It’s just one of those things that you never knew you were missing until it was right there in front of you. Glorious!

Megan January 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm

On a related note, am I the only one pissed off that the SOTU is cutting into “The Biggest Loser?”

I’m almost offended that it’s breaking into my Tuesday fitness routine of watching BL while simultaneously running on a treadmill. I am fairly confident that I will be far more entertained watching heavyweights get all misty eyed about their “journeys” as a munchkin lady bullies them into weight-loss submission, than watch Obama use his teleprompters to try to win back a country that’s more or less over it. Besides, I’m at a point where his voice makes my skin crawl, and I get headaches from all my eye rolling.

Crap. That’s not really “civil,” is it?

Oh well, guess I better go charge the iPod.

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Megan, think of it as a TV show about Nancy Pelosi no longer being in the Speaker’s chair. Then you can at least still call it “The Biggest Loser.”

Tom January 25, 2011 at 12:02 pm

OMG.

I read #4 and spit out my Starbucks from laughing so hard!

KEITH – G-d! Honestly, you need to write the jokes for SNL!

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 6:52 pm

It sickened me too JE, but I have to report the news.

Keith Koffler January 25, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Tom, thanks.