White House Dossier has learned that for tonight’s State of the Union, President Obama and Congress have planned a series of surprise events to showcase the new Era of Civility they all hope will overtake Washington.
Spoiler alert! If you wish to be surprised, please read no further. Also be warned that some of these moments are so touching that just reading about them may bring you to tears.
Below is a list of the top ten acts of civility that are planned for this evening.
1. When Speaker John Boehner begins weeping, Nancy Pelosi will ceremonially hand him a Kleenex.
2. Rahm Emanuel will follow President Obama into the Chamber throwing rose petals at members of Congress along the aisle.
3. Seats will be removed from the House chamber so that lawmakers are forced not only to sit next to each other, but to sit on each other’s laps.
4. At the mention of Roe v. Wade, Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg will rise, embrace, and begin briefly tongue kissing.
5. Yoko Ono will suddenly appear in the gallery and play an acoustic rendition of John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance.”
6. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) will rise at one point and shout “That’s no Lie, baby!”
7. Former Sen. Bill Frist, who is also a famous surgeon, will appear on the House floor in scrubs and lobotomize Keith Olbermann and Rush Limbaugh.
8. Mullah Omar and Hamid Karzai will appear and perform an Irish stepdance together.
9. Obama will announce the creation of a White House “Civility Czar” with the power to imprison people who don’t say “thank you.”
10. The president will reveal that as part of Mrs. Obama’s healthy eating campaign, the cool kids will be forced to let the geeks sit at their table.