Operator: White House
Caller: Get me Rouse.
Operator: Excuse me?
Caller: Get me Rouse.
Operator: You mean Pete Rouse, the senior adviser?
Caller: Get him.
Operator: Um, one moment please.
Rouse aide: Office of the senior adviser.
Caller: Get Rouse on the phone.
Rouse aide: Excuse me?
Caller: Get fucking Rouse on the phone.
Rouse aide: Excuse me?? Rahm, is that you?
Caller: Yes this is Rahm. Did you think it was Shirley Temple? Get me Rouse now.
Rouse aide: Yes, of course, right away.
Rouse: Hello? Rahm?
Rahm: You guys are totally screwing up the civility thing.
Rouse: I’m sorry?
Rahm: Civility. CIVILITY, DAMN IT!! WE NEED CIVILITY YOU MORON! You need to have Obama out there every day talking civility, damn it. We need to set up the contrast by making Obama nice again. Rush Limbaugh: A-hole; Sarah Palin: gun carrying nutjob; Obama: Wonderful guy – Messiah – get it?
Rouse: Rahm, we’re working the civility angle. We just had Michelle Obama put out her own call for everyone to –
Rahm: Nobody gives a shit about her. Let her stick to the little fatsos. What we need is more civility from the president. You are moving out of congressional campaign mode 2010 now and into 2012 presidential campaign mode. We need Messiah stuff. Unity. Cum-by-fucking-ya. You go it?
Rouse: Rahm, please don’t scream at me. You don’t even work here anymore.
Rahm: I do what I want. This is my legacy you’re working with over there. I’m an outside adviser. And I’m advising you to get with the civility program or I’m going to come over there, take my clothes off, and kick your ass up and down the State Dining Room. You got it?
Rouse (crying): Rahm, please don’t scream at me. Please don’t scream at me! We’re doing everything we can to re-brand the president back to nice. It’s not easy after all the stuff he said during the campaign about Republicans sipping Slurpees and Hispanics voting against their enemies, and so on. It’s going to take some time.
Rahm: Stop crying, you pathetic weakling. Yes, it will take time, which is why you need to start dialing it back to 2008 right now.
Rouse: Well, but we have to tweak some things. I mean, we can’t be about change when we’re the ones in power.
Rahm: Right, which is why I have a new slogan for you: “Hope and No Change.”
Rouse: “Hope and No Change?”
Rahm: Right. Didn’t you hear me the first time? Do you have bullshit stuck in your ears?
Rouse: It just sounds a little –
Rahm: Hope and No Change!!
Rouse: OK, OK.
Rahm: Here’s another. “Guns don’t kill people. Conservatives do.”
Rouse: Well, Obama just said that the rhetoric was not responsible for the killings.
Rahm: I know. I want you to tell Pelosi to say it.
Rahm: And have Obama go to Capitol Hill to address the Republicans, and have him bring them all into the East Room to listen to their crap, and other similar types of bullshit events? Got it?
Rouse: Yes, good ideas, Rahm.
Rahm: Of course they’re good ideas. We’re going to make Obama nice again. We’re going back into inspiration mode, you got it?
Rouse: Yes, inspiration!
Rahm: I don’t want anyone at the White House saying conservatives are violent bastards. We can let Olbermann take care of that every night on TV, and Pelosi will do it from the Capitol.
Rouse: Right. And we’ve also given Begala and Carville their talking points about Rush and Palin.
Rahm: Good. But don’t have Obama go all Walt Disney on us. I mean, he can still crap on the fat cat bankers every once in a while, you know?
Rouse: Well, he can’t exactly do that.
Rahm: Well why not??
Rouse: Because Obama just put a banker in charge of the place. Daley was Midwest chairman of J.P. Morgan Chase.
Rahm: Oh yeah. Well, then it’s a full time love-in.
Rouse: Got it, Rahm Got it.