Well it happened. All this criticism of free speech, and White House Dossier has finally pissed in its pants. The rhetoric on the blog will be toned down, even as White House Dossier seeks to make good on its New Year’s resolution to tone up, in the gym.
As part of this effort – not the effort to tone up – White House Dossier will henceforth abstain from using military or gun-related metaphors of any kind. In addition, anyone who employs such metaphors in the comments section will be shot.
What am I saying? They will be slapped on the wrist and their comment deleted.
White House Dossier has drawn up a list of peaceful alternatives to certain commonly used metaphors
So, without adieu, allow me lock and load, and fire away.
I mean, here goes:
1. There will be no more reference to “political campaigns.” Candidates will now wage “friendly attempts to seize a bit of power.”
2. Nobody at White House Dossier will in the future be having a “blast.” Instead, persons having a good time will be said to be having “an innocuous popping sound.”
3. No more “political attacks.” We will instead write about “hurtful things being said.”
4. Any references to Patrick Henry will include the phrase “Give me liberty or give me heartburn.”
5. A politician who says something dumb will not be said to have “shot themselves if the foot,” but to have “badly stubbed their toe.”
6. Politicians making a startling revelation will no longer be “dropping a bomb.” They will instead “say something I, like, totally didn’t expect!”
7. Politicians who win campaigns will no longer “declare victory” or be said to have defeated, beaten, routed, or vanquished their opponents. They will instead declare that “everyone is a winner, just I’m the biggest winner.”
8. White House Dossier will never again reveal “explosive new details.” Instead, we will bring you “fun stuff you might have missed.”
9. Politicians will never again be said to be in “the political fight of their life.” White House Dossier will merely say, “Ha! Let’s see them get out of this one!”
10. Candidates will never again field an “army of volunteers. Instead, they will employ “lots of gentlefolk knockin’ on doors.”