It is afternoon at the presidential palace in Pyongyang, North Korea. Kang Kwan-yong, Chief of Staff to President Kim Jong-Il, has a proposal for the Dear Leader to try to help him get his message out and improve his image throughout the world.
Kang: “Dear Leader, sweetness of the mountain stream, I wish to present to you a new idea that will magnify your wisdom and reflect it throughout the world.”
Kim: “Oh that sounds good. Go ahead. What is it?”
Kang: “Dear Leader, I wish to introduce you to a new technology that will allow you to reach millions more people with your message of peace and enlightenment.”
Kim: “I love technology! I have Play Station 2. Tell me what this new thing is.”
Kang: “Thank you, Dear Leader. The technology is a website called Twitter. All you do is send out little pearls of wisdom and bit by bit you acquire new followers.”
Kim: “What are you talking about? Everybody is my follower!”
Kang: “I mean in other lands, Dear Leader.”
Kim: “I see. OK.”
Kang: “Now please look at the magic screen. You type in any message you want of 140 characters or less.”
Kim: “What is a character?”
Kang: “Well, it’s a letter, a space or some punctuation, like a period or a question mark.”
Kim: “An ampersand?”
Kang: “Well, yes, an ampersand too. Now let’s sign you up. First, Dear Leader, you need a User Name. How about – ”
Kim: “Hot Momma.”
Kang: “Hot Momma?”
Kim: “Hot Momma. I saw it in a movie. An American movie. It’s very funny. Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.”
Kang: “OK, Dear Leader, I’ll just type it in . . .”
Kim: “Call me Hot Momma now.”
Kang: “Excuse me, sir?”
Kim: “Call me Hot Momma.”
Kang: “Really? Um, OK, Hot Momma -”
Kim: “WHAT DID YOU CALL ME??”
Kang: “I’m sorry, Dear Leader – “
Kim: “Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha. Look how scared you are! I’m just joking with you. That’s OK. Call me Hot Momma.”
Kang: “Yes, well, OK, you’re all set up. You can write your first message.”
Kim: “I want to write 141 characters.”
Kang: “Well, sir, the people at Twitter only allow 140 charact-“
Kim: “WHO IS THE DEAR LEADER? WHO IS THE HOT MOMMA? ME OR TWITTER?”
Kang: “You are.”
Kim: “OK. Now we’re getting somewhere. I’m typing in the following: ‘The nuclear bomb I’m dropping on your head is for scientific research purposes only!’ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Only 84 characters. There. This is fun. Do I have any followers yet?”
Kang: “Let me see. Well, only two, but you’re just starting out. OK, there’s me, I signed up to be your follower, and then there’s someone named Bill from Langley, Virginia in the United States.”
Kim: “Oh cools! Let me think of some more messages. How about a riddle. ‘What do you get when you mix South Korea and ten plutonium bombs? . . . Five Party Talks!’ Get it? Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Only 90 characters. I love the Six Party talks. The food is always so good that you bring back. I hope they continue for years and years. Obama loves to talk. He’s going to continue to the Six Party Talks, I know it.”
Kang: Dear Leader,
Kim: Hot Momma!
Kang: “Hot Momma, the hope for this is that you will attract new followers throughout the world. I really do fear you may be scaring people.”
Kim: “I have another riddle: What time is it when you do an angry walk-out from the Six Party Talks?”
Kang: “What time is it?”
Kim: “Time to make another nuclear bomb! Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha. I like Twitter! I like Twitter! Bring in my son, Little Jerk
Kang: Yes, Dear Leader.
Kim Jong-un: Hello papa.
Kim Jong-Il: Wonderful job bombing that South Korean island. What is your next trick to show you have the balls to run this country?
Kim Jong-Un: I am going to kidnap Cindy Crawford and force her to act in a movie.
Kim Jong-Il: What?? She is totally over the hill! What’s the matter with you? And she can’t act. She was only in like one movie and it bombed with the critics and at the box office. You bring disgrace on me! You bring disgrace on me!
Kim Jong-Un: I am sorry father. I will kidnap somebody else.
Kim Jong-Il: Go back to your room and make a new plan. And don’t come out until you are ready to kidnap somebody who is still in their prime. Kang, take Little Jerk away.
Kang: “Yes, of course . . . Hot Momma.”
Kim Jong-Il: “OK, let me try another Twitter. How about this: ‘President Obama, the fleet you send to the Yellow Sea scares the crap out of me. will never do anything bad again!’ Ahahahahaha!!”