“Uh, hello, Carla, is this you?”
“Oui, zees ees zee first lady of France. Wees ‘oom am I speaking?”
“Carla, this is Michelle Obama. I wanted to ask you about what you told your biographer, that I said being first lady was Hell.”
“Yess, you sink it eez zee ‘ell, yess.”
“Well, I don’t. I never said it. I love this job and I want you to tell everyone I think being first lady is wonderful.
“Well, I am afraid I cannot do zat, seeence you said it was zee ‘ell. Zat is what you said.”
“Zat is not what I said. I mean that is not what I said. I told you I thought it was great.
“No, you said you were seeek of looking at zee little fat Americans and zee job was ‘ell.
“Listen, you need to stop making stuff up.”
“And you said you were never proud of America until two years ago.”
“No I didn’t – I mean, I did, but not to you.”
“You said you ‘ate America, and your life is ‘ell.”
“I ate America?”
“And why you are zee beetch? Why you are zee beetch when I tell zee trute. First you insult me when you come to Paris, and now you call me zee liar.”
“How did I insult you when I came to Paris?”
“Why if you no insult me you come to visit me dressed in zat black and red tablecloth? I almost put a dish on you and start ‘aving lunch. And I was dress a in nice classy grey outfit like zee Jackie Kennedy. And everyone say YOU are like zee Jackie Kennedy!”
“Listen, bitch, I spent four months picking out that outfit. I’m sorry you didn’t make much of a splash with yours.
“You are not zee Jackie! I am zee Jackie! You sink you are zee beeg feesh in zee pond, but you are really just a beeg frog.
“Excuse me, who exactly is the frog around here?”
“I am not zee frog! You forget I am an Italian woman. Eet eez my ‘usband who eez zee frog. I mean – he too is not zee frog! He eez my little emperor, zee president! And I sing very nicely. I am talented woman. And what sound do you make? What eez zee sound zat goats make?”
“Listen, all I’m trying to tell you is I never said I don’t like my job. I love the job and enjoy helping kids slim down.”
“In France, all children are required to do one hour of Pilates a day and drink Perrier for breakfast. Zat is why zay are sin.”
“OK, but I don’t think that will go over very well here.”
“Zay also ‘ave a cigarette instead of Doritos at snack time.”
“OK, I need to go now.”
“Go! Go back to your torment. Don’t you or any Americans ever come back to France. Unless the Russians attack us.”