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The Twelve Most Surprising Obamacare Provisions

As the Obama administration prepares to release the regulations governing the new health reform law, a close reading of the legislation by White House Dossier has turned up some unexpected provisions that regulators must contend with. What follows are the twelve most surprising of these measures.

1. Babies must emerge after two hours of labor or else “make their own arrangements” for being delivered.

2. To make up for the anticipated shortage of doctors, receptionists will IN SOME CASES  be permitted to perform surgery.

3. Everything must be done online, including colonoscopies

4. Only brown rice may be thrown at weddings

5. Cancer patients who are told they will have to wait six months or more for surgery MUST be given coupons for discounts at funeral homes.

6. Surgeons from now on will have to get the scalpel themselves.

7. All seeing eye dogs covered by medical insurance polices must learn to cook too.

8. Employees really must wash hands – or face imprisonment.

9. Children may immediately be added to their parents’ health plans, but must wait six months to get sick.

10. In anticipation of five hour waits for appointments, gambling is now allowed in doctors’ waiting rooms.

11. Technicians who take blood must give it back.

12. There won’t be death panels, but instead, President Obama himself will decide who shall live and who shall die.

OK, my humorous regulars. Go ahead and add your own!

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15 Responses to The Twelve Most Surprising Obamacare Provisions

  1. 13. Seniors will petition the Secretary ( form 123FU, available only at the Washington DC office) for permission to make an appointment to visit their doctor.
    13-a. The Secretary will respond within 6 months with approval or denial.
    13-b. Permitted appointments must be made 6 months in advance.

  2. All elective surgeries must be performed by the patient.
    Those who opt-out of mandatory insurance requirements must opt-in to health coverage through the Federal Corrections System
    Emergency Room triage must include self-evaluation forms provided by the patient with his or her stated belief that they will soon die unless medical care is provided immediately.

  3. NOT mine.
    15. All participants with BMI’s higher than the numbers approved by the First Lady will be denied coverage.
    16. Any illness or injury suffered by participants will be denied coverage if the Secretary determines that such illness or injury was caused by a reckless disregard of the Federally mandated diet (see 123FU, section 12) or safe levels of allowed physical activity (see 123FU, section 44).
    17. All financial assets of terminally ill participants must be delivered to the Secretary within 10 days of their death.

  4. last one, i promise.
    20. All participants currently residing in the State of Arizona will be required to sing no less than 3 (three) stanzas of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Spanish version) before receiving permission from the Secretary for medical coverage..

  5. Funny, Keith! You are smokin’ these days, About that comparative effectiveness of treatments and the committee to decide what works (and should be paid for) and what doesn’t–statistically–kinda Death Panelish if you ask me. My sister’s plan 86-es expensive stuff by suddenly applying the whole deductible to it. And the NYT revealed yesterday that some hosps keep people in to be sure they don’t get a complication–but don’t actually admit them–so they get a big bill from Medicare for their stay. I could not make this up as well as you can–so I am using true things. I am worried about (now stay with me) FORCED surgeries–I have had two gallbladder attacks. Can they say, “Statistically this will amt to another few ER runs, so you must get your GB out?” I know it sounds weird–but all this did at one time.

  6. Remember how O’s grandmother got a hip replacement while bedridden
    with cancer–that may not happen once the statisticians come to call. And things way short of that! A new knee? Hey, you’re already using a cane, you must not need to walk that much… Or Look, this is your third recurrence of cancer–heard of the three strikes regulation?

  7. For women under 95 years of age, all mammograms and pre-cancer screening will take place at Transportation Security Administration courtesy checkpoints in conveniently-located international airports across the country.

    For men under the age of 90, all prostate exams can be performed, at no charge, at in-processing facilities of the Federal Correction System.

    All seniors over the age of 105 may qualify for Service Houseplants to assist with quality of life issues while providing oxygen to patients.

  8. I second srdem65’s statement: GREAT JOB everyone!

    Keith, superb job … the last one however, #12 was *eerily* funny. Almost Orwellian to a point. As crazy as it may seem, “death panels” may be the future of medicine for the seniors with this lot in office. Ok, you go to the hospital. Your 65. You’ve worked your whole life. You now have cancer. The nice lady behind the desk asks you to follow her to . . . Room 101 … and Bob’s your Uncle.

    • Thanks Tom. The death panels are real. The biggest possible cost savings are in cutting end of life care. Does anyone really think they won’t touch it?