As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Leading Evildoers Discuss Response to Obama

A conference call is beginning. Its participants include Osama Bin Laden, Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Omar, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad: Hello? Is everyone on?

Omar: I’m Here.

(Pause)

Ahmadinejad: Osama? Where the fuck is Osama?

Osama: djgjdkn djdfnsk mdkujslk.

Ahmadinejad: What’s that?

Osama: dkgjskj sdlkggjlj asdlgiul.

Omar: He’s trying to disguise his voice again by putting his turban over the speaker.

Ahmadinejad: Osama, you chicken shit. The Americans aren’t listening. Get your turban off the phone.

Osama: God is great.

Ahmadinejad: OK, that’s better. God is great.

Omar: God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahamdinejad: OK, that’s enough. Fo shizzle, God is great. Now let’s get down to business.

Please deposit 25 cents for the next three minutes.

Ahmadinejad: What is that?

Omar: Osama, are you on pay phone?

Osama: You think I’m using the fucking satellite phone? Are you nuts?

Omar: OK, well put in enough money, you cheap Jew!

Osama: Zawahiri, give me all the change. Just put it in.

Ahmadinejad: OK, we’re here to discuss the new Obama Doctrine. He says he’s going de-emphasize military power and defeat us by focusing internally on the United States, developing the U.S. economy, making electric vehicles, promoting education reform, and so forth. He also is celebrating the end of combat operations in Iraq – saying the war was really a nightmare – and proclaiming that he’s determined to begin withdrawing from Afghanistan starting July 2011. What should we do?

Omar: Surrender.

Osama: Surrender.

Ahmadinejad: Yes. Surrender. Then we’re all agreed. The fearsome Obama is too much for us, has us completely intimidated, and we are all giving up.  I will announce tomorrow that we are executing all our nuclear scientists for developing nuclear weapons without my knowledge. And then I’m going to retire.

Omar: I guess I’ll retire too. God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahmadinejad: OK stop it!

Osama: Well what am I supposed to do? I mean, it’s not like I can go to New York City and drive a taxicab at this point. My skill set is mainly fomenting terror.

Ahmadinjad: You could open a restaurant.

Osama: Well, I do make a mean falafel sandwich. I can get some startup cash from the Saudis.

Omar: This Obama ruined everything. I mean, I had plans for the future. A life of misery for all Afghanis. Using religion for corrupt purposes. Hosting an annual terrorists’ convention at the Hilton in Kabul. It was all going to be so grand.

Ahmadinejad: Oh, me too. Just imagine what I could have done with nuclear weapons. Osama, I was going to give you one for your birthday! (Begins sobbing).

Osama: Oh, you are so sweet Mahmoud. I won’t charge you for extra yogurt sauce at my restaurant. Also, the appetizer is on me.

Omar: You cheap Jew, Osama.

Ahmadinejad: Yeah, we had it all. But now the warrior Obama has put an end to it. The world’s top evildoers defeated by education reform. Who would have imagined?

al Zawahiri
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3 Responses to Leading Evildoers Discuss Response to Obama

  1. That is soooooo funny. Thanks for the laugh.
    You do know that you’re going to h*ll with the rest of us, dontcha?
    I’ll save you a seat by the window, too.

  2. Tom, you and Keith just stop at ‘willcall’ and use my name.
    I earned the prime seats by the windows when I did a good deed in 1989. I was aiming for the”cold day in h*ll” but failed. my bad.