The Scene: Vogue Editor Anna Wintour’s home in Greenwich Village, New York, where she is hosting a $30,400 per person fundraiser for populist President Barack Obama. Obama is speaking in the living room when suddenly the audience of 50 fat cat donors starts to get a little restless.
Obama: And so, we need keep looking forward, and not backward. Republicans want to return us to the failed policies of the past, and we can’t let that happen. I believe . . .
Donor: I think we’ve heard all this before.
Obama: Excuse me?
Donor: I mean, why am I paying 30 thousand bucks to hear the same stuff you always say?
Obama: I assure you, this is freshly written material. Sure, it plays off some old themes of mine, but . . .
Donor: I need Section IV, line 33 struck from the energy bill.
Obama: Um, we’re not really doing that here.
Donor: Who can I talk to?
Obama: Like I said –
Donor: Well I can’t pay. My portfolio crashed since I bought the ticket. Maybe I can wash some dishes!
Donor #2: My food isn’t even very good.
Obama: Your food?
Donor #2: The Chilean Sea Bass is totally dry. I mean, this dinner costs $30,400 and I assume that’s without tip. I’ve had better fish at one-star restaurants.
Obama: No, the tip is included. Rahm? Rahm? Can you come in hear for a moment?
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron.
Rahm: What the fuck is the matter here?
Obama: Rahm, the fish is dry. Overcooked.
Rahm: Chilean sea bass is meant to be a bit flaky. Pieces are supposed to kind of fall off into small chunks for you to eat. If it’s too juicy, that can’t happen, now can it?
Donor #3: Excuse me, Mr. Emanuel, I ordered the meat option, and I asked for my steak rare, but this is raw, not rare.
Rahm: Listen, dipshit, you want me to cook all the flavor out it?
Obama: Rahm, take it easy.
Rahm: Just because this guy wants a piece of shoe leather for dinner doesn’t mean he’s going to get it.
Obama: Look, I’ll grill it a little more myself.
Obama takes the plate of Donor #3 and disappears into the kitchen with it.
Donor #2: I gotta say, I’m skipping the fish, but dessert is a joke. The gateau chocolat is so rich I want to puke. Can I at least subtract $2,000 from the bill if I don’t eat dessert?
Rahm: No way, jerk. This dinner is prix fucking fixe.
Donor #2: What, like it’s a pre-theater meal? You have show for us?
Rahm: Yeah, it’s called President of the United States. So it’s priks fix for you. No subtractions and no substitutions.
Donor #2: Well dessert is still terrible.
Rahm: I’ll call the pastry chef. Axe? Axelrod, get in here!
White House chief political adviser David Axelrod enters dressed in white with a large white apron and a tall white chef’s hat, bent at the middle to the side.
Axelrod: Did I hear someone say they can’t take the chocolate? Rahm, it’s OK, I do have a sorbet option.
Obama returns from the kitchen.
Obama: Well, here’s your steak, rare, not raw. I just put it on for a second.
Donor #3: Thank you, Mr. President. This looks perfect.
Obama: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Donor #3: Well, there were two small people at the door as we came in. I mean, really small people. Panhandlers. Can someone remove them so we don’t have to see them on the way out?
Obama: Sure. Sure. Larry Summers is my muscle tonight. Larry, go down and clear the way for these nice contributors.
Donor #3: Yeah, they were asking me for change, but I never carry money!
Donor #2: Change? How retro! Most of them have been demanding a dollar for a couple of years now. Change is just so 2008.