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The Nine Things Elena Kagan Wanted to Say

It was really difficult for Elena Kagan to sit there in front of the Judiciary Committee for three days and pretend she had no opinions. As anyone who knows her will tell you, she has lots of opinions. In an exclusive interview with White House Dossier this morning, Kagan listed for us the nine things she wishes she could have said.

1. I read the Roe v. Wade decision aloud to my nieces and nephews at night.

2. There will be no more clinging to guns once I get in.

3. I damn well can force people to eat fruits and vegetables and I will.

4. I totally favor property rights, which is why I think everyone should have them.

5. I’m not a lesbian, and by the way that new Massachusetts Senator is totally hot.

6. I believe in strict constructionism, you know, when it comes to coffee tables.

7. What the Hell kind of name is Orrin Hatch?

8. Remember that stuff I said about nominees needing to be more forthcoming? Bwahahahahahaha!

9. Senator, how the fuck should I know?

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4 Responses to The Nine Things Elena Kagan Wanted to Say

  1. On that fruit and veggie comment, this made me think of a conversation I had with my kid the other day. She said if the president walked in here, could he tell us what to do and we would have to do it? I actually hesitated. I think he could if we were soldiers, but not civilians, I ventured. He has such a bossy-cow myth going I had to think.

  2. Judging (no pun intended) by her expressions I was waiting for her to say, “Next Senator who talks shit about Thurgood Marshall is getting bitch slapped!”