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Gibbs Thanks Barton for his Service

The following letter from White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs to Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) was just obtained by White House Dossier. Due to its significant news value and excellent use of English grammar, we’ve decided to share it with you immediately.

June 18, 2010

The White House
Office of the Press Secretary

Dear Joe,

Thank you for your cooperation on the BP issue and your willingness to serve your president. Sorry I had to rough you up so much there in the briefing room, but you understand the drill.

I must admit I’m jealous because I frankly don’t think I could have written the statement better myself. Your use of the word “shakedown” to describe the $20 billion we forced BP to cough up was pitch perfect. And we all fell out of our chairs giggling here in the White House press office when we heard you actually apologizing to BP in public -TWICE! The president did not watch the hearing but he laughed uproariously when we told him about. I don’t think we’ve seen him so happy since the health bill passed.

Of course, now is the time for discretion. We don’t want anyone to find out that you are a Democratic plant. Nevertheless, I want you to start preparing for your next assignment, which will be to tell Wall Street bankers how sorry you feel for them. We will wait a reasonable amount of time, but as the financial reform bill moves along toward a final vote later this summer, we will need you to drop another stink bomb.

You write it yourself – I mean, you’re just too good – but here are some suggestions.

“Stockbrokers are the Salt of the Earth.”

“Many of these Bank CEOs whose salaries you’re trying to cut,  Mr. President, have had to take out second mortgages just to pay for their swimming pools.”

“The soul of the Republican Party resides on Wall Street.”

“The bankers were just doing their job. I think I speak for all Republicans when I say, the idiots who took those subprime mortgages should have known better.”

“Derivatives then, derivatives now, derivatives forever!”

Just a few ideas. Use ’em or write your own.

Again, thank you for your assistance with the BP matter. BTW, at the briefing today I’m going to call for you to be drawn and quartered while having hydrochloric acid spilled into your navel. Just so you’re aware. Of course, I’d rather be throwing a State Dinner in your honor!

Take care and thanks again.

Robert

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