The White House meeting today between President Obama, Vice President Biden, and BP’s top execs will begin at 10:15 am ET and end at 10:35 am. It is possible that 20 minutes not enough time to get substantive work done. We’re optimists, but here is how the meeting is nevertheless likely to go:
10:10 am: BP executives nervously take their places in the Oval Office.
10:15 am: Game time. But no sign of Obama or Biden
10:18 am: Obama and Biden stroll in fashionably late just to stick it to the BP brass, which is not used to being kept waiting. They have come from the vice president’s office, where they were working on the Special Operation.
10:19 am: Obama welcomes the BP officials politely but without warmth. He then drops the politeness and spends the next six minutes telling them what jerks they are.
10:25 am: Biden welcomes the BP officials without politeness or warmth. Biden launches into his own assessment of what jerks they are. He speaks for four minutes and would go on longer, but he finally notices Obama’s familiar “put a lid on it, Joe” look and stops.
10:29 am: BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg thanks the president for inviting him and his associates to the White House. He expresses hope that his company can work with the administration to mitigate the disaster in the Gulf.
10:30 am: Svanberg begins to explain why he and his associates are not such jerks afterall.
10:30 am: Obama interrupts Svanberg to tell him that he and his colleagues are indeed jerks, referring to his earlier reasoning and presenting additional evidence.
10:32 am: Obama rubs his finger from the side to the front of his nose, the signal for Biden to launch the Special Operation.
10:33 am: Biden announces that the meeting is over. As everyone rises, Biden begins implementing Phase I of the Special Operation. He puts his arm around Svanberg and distracts him by showing him some Native American pottery that is displayed in the Oval Office. As he talks, Biden rubs his finger from the side to the front of his nose, the signal for the president to begin Phase II of the Special Operation.
10:34 am: Obama stealthily moves into position behind Svanberg and kicks him in the ass. Svanberg collapses to the floor from the force of the blow, which Obama has been practicing for two weeks.
10:35 am: Obama and Biden calmly exit the Oval Office.