As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Yo Tony Hayward, It’s Obama Calling!

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs today came under withering fire from reporters at the daily White House briefing about why President Obama continues not to get on the horn with BP CEO Tony Hayward.

Gibbs sounded less than eloquent in trying to explain the unexplainable, which of course is a press secretary’s job, so don’t feel too sorry for him.

GIBBS: Well, as I said yesterday, the — while Mr. Hayward has certainly been — is part of that ad campaign, in the corporate structure, the relevant person is going to be the chairman of the board.

And certainly we would — we have, as I expressed yesterday, I don’t know whether it’s on claims, whether it’s vessel redundancy, and directives, there certainly continue to be concerns. And if there’s — I certainly wouldn’t rule out that the president might see the chairman of the board at some point.

Again, the corporate structure — the corporate structure of the company makes the chairman of the board the relevant entity in approving what B.P. — the obligations that B.P. has to live up to.

Well, Gibbs is out of the loop. White House Dossier has uncovered that Obama has tried to call Hayward several times, but apparently has the wrong number. Instead, he is being repeatedly connected to a pizza place in Brooklyn, New York.

Obama apparently obtained the number from the yellow pages without consulting his staff and has refused to admit his mistake. White House Dossier has obtained a transcript of the most recent conversation between Obama and Tony “The Pizza Pony” Hayward, the proprietor of Outside the Box Pizza on Flatbush Avenue.

“Outside the Box.”

“Hello Tony Hayward please”

“Yo, you got Tony. You want Pizza?”

“Now I think we’ve been down this road before. What I want is for you to clean up the oil in the Gulf or I’m coming over there to kick your ass.”

“Oh, it’s you again tough guy. Listen, why don’t you come right down here and I’ll stuff a stromboli up your ass. Who the Hell do you think you are? I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about pelicans draped in oil. I’m talking about shrimpers whose lives have been ruined forever, beaches soiled beyond recognition, decades of environmental cleanup.”

“Look, we use oil on all our Hero sandwiches and if you want the Shrimp Boat appetizer I can give it you. But other than that, I can’t help you and you better stop calling here.”

“I want to tell you something Tony. The people in the Gulf are waiting for you to step up and help. The cost so far is $69 million and the meter’s running.”

“What, you’re in a cab? The meter’s on $69 million? You must be from out of town. These Middle Easterners have taken over the cabs and will rip you off every time. No wonder you’re so angry.”

“No, Tony, your tab is $69 million. BP’s tab is $69 million”

“BP? You mean the Bazooka Pizza?”

“The what?”

“Listen – wait – are you the sauce guy? I told you the sauce was too spicy and your better damn well take it back. I’m not paying you anything.”

“This isn’t about sauce, Tony. This is about people’s lives. And I’m getting emotional now. Can you hear the emotion in my voice?

“No.”

“Now??”

“No.”

“Now?”

“Listen, pal, I think you’ve got the wrong number. Please stop calling here. I got a business to run.”

“And I’ve got a country to run. I’ll see that Holder lands you butt – I mean ass – in jail.”

A clicking noise is heard at this point in the tape.

“Hello? Hello?”

Ten seconds of silence follows.

“This guy is going on my presidential speed dial. I’ll fight like a tiger for the the American people. I’ll be on him like a pit bull. Wait, a tiger or a pit bull? Let me think. Gibbs!”

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