The scene is the Oval Office. The weekly private lunch between President Obama and Vice President Biden is just getting under way. Obama and Biden are sipping iced tea and dipping their roles into plates of olive oil. The president is speaking.
Obama: So Joe, as I was saying, though I really enjoy our weekly lunches, I was thinking every two weeks might be a better –
Biden: Mr. President, I have a proposal I want to make to you.
Obama: Well, OK Joe, you know I’ve always told you to share any ideas you have directly with me. Please, fire away.
Biden: Put me in charge of mess in the Gulf of Mexico.
Obama: Put YOU in charge of this. Now why would I do that?
Biden: Because, Mr. President, in short, this is a big fucking deal. It needs my attention.
Obama: But Joe, I’m the president, I’m really the one who’s got to have the reins.
Biden: You’re too cool. Mr. Cool can’t do this. I’ve got PASSION, baby. PASSION. I’m PASSIONATE. I’ll get the American people EXCITED about the oil spill.
Obama: Excited about the oil spill?
Biden: Oh, you know what I mean. I’ll get the American people pumped up. I’ll tear those BP guys a new hole. I’ll eat them for lunch.
Obama: Speaking of lunch, looks what’s just arrived.
The Butler: Mr. President, here is your appetizer, Gulf shrimp cocktail.
Obama: Gulf shrimp?
Butler: Yessir. Are they not to your liking?
Biden: Ha! Watch this!
Biden grabs four shrimp off his plate and gobbles them down with greedy abandon.
Biden: See, I’m not afraid of this shit. I’m going straight down to the Gulf tomorrow, and I’m going swimming in it.
Obama: Joe, you’ve been doing a great job talking about the stimulus bill to everyone and calming down Bibi over in Israel. This is where I need you man. Behind the scenes, doing the great job only you can do.
Biden: Oh God help me! I’m completely bored to tears by the stimulus. If I have to go to another one of those stupid road projects or brief reporters on the latest allocation of funds, I’m going to kill myself on national television.
Obama: Now Joe, don’t get silly on me.
Biden: Give me the oil mess or I’m going to kill myself.
Obama: OK, listen, I’ll have Gibbs write up a statement and you head down to Louisiana and give it and meet with some locals – you know, enjoy yourself.
Biden: No man, extemporaneous all the way. We need PASSION. Look, Mr. President, I’ll take lead lead on this. I’ll be Captain Kirk to your Dr. Spock.
Obama: Not quite sure I like the sound of that.
Biden: I’ll be Costello to your Abbott, Lewis to your Martin.
Obama: Well, we’ve got some of that going already.
Biden: Listen, I can turn this around for us. You can go back to fixing the economy, immigration, and all that stuff. You’re too articulate, clean, mainstream and nice looking for this kind of thing.
Rahm Emanuel enters the Oval Office.
Rahm: You buzzed me, Mr. President
Obama: Yes Rahm. The vice president is suggesting that he take the lead on the BP Oil spill.
Rahm: Waddayou fucking crazy!? That’s the most fucking retarded thing I’ve ever heard!
Biden: I can’t believe this. I’m just trying to help. Go ahead then, robot dude, you handle this yourself.
Biden storms out of the Oval Office.
Obama: Thanks Rahm.
Rahm: No problem, Mr. President. Always happy to be bad cop. I got your back.
Obama: You’re the best. Want a shrimp?
Rahm: Thanks, Mr. President. Don’t mind if I do.