Everyone knows by now that the BP oil spill is Obama’s fault. I mean, last I checked, the Gulf of Mexico was part of America – or at least damn close – and Obama is the PRESIDENT of America. So he should have done something, I mean SOMETHING to stop this.
But most people criticize him without having any idea what SPECIFICALLY he was supposed to do to either prevent this or stop it from getting so bad. Well here are some ideas. He should have:
1. Summoned the Navy’s corp of giant Caribbean lobsters to cap the well while this was still possible;
2. Demanded to know why BP was securing the well with a regular screwdriver when the instructions clearly called for a Phillips;
3. Summoned Aquaman to fix the problem weeks ago instead of waiting until now;
4. Ordered BP to try Crazy Glue instead of “top kill.” Crazy Glue seals everything. Have you seen those commercials with the guy hanging by his helmet? I mean, come on;
5. Listened to little birdies he saw in the days leading up to the spill in case one of them was going to tell him it would happen;
6. Had regular visits with a palm reader and installed a White House “Psychic and Paranormal Activity Czar” to get ahead of the eight ball on these things;
7. Made ANOTHER pact with the devil soon after the crisis developed;
8. Sent Rahm to curse the well out while naked and sweaty;
9. Motivated Nobel Prize winning physicist and Secretary of Energy Stephen Chu to do more by saying, “Hey, guess you’re not so smart after all.”
10. Demanded that China drill a hole through the earth and start suctioning the oil backwards.