I’m Taking the Weekend Off, Mostly

by Keith Koffler on September 3, 2010, 1:36 pm

At the insistence of my wife and children, I am – for the most part, though not entirely – unplugging until Tuesday. In the meantime, please enjoy the “best of” show below, a list of some of my favorite posts. Most of them are satirical. I hope you enjoy them and have a great Labor Day weekend.

Keith

President Obama’s Head Falls Off

The Top Ten Excuses McChrystal Gave Obama

Obama’s Empty Gesture on the Ground Zero Mosque

Obama Attempts to Address the Nation

When Barack Met Bibi

Obama’s Worst Nightmare

Michelle Obama Channels Nancy Reagan

On Helen Thomas

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Obama Schedule || September 3, 2010

by Keith Koffler on September 3, 2010, 9:32 am

10:00 am || Delivers Statement on monthly jobs numbers; Rose Garden
1:30 pm || Departs for Camp David

All times Eastern

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Leading Evildoers Discuss Response to Obama

by Keith Koffler on September 2, 2010, 10:50 am

A conference call is beginning. Its participants include Osama Bin Laden, Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Omar, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad: Hello? Is everyone on?

Omar: I’m Here.

(Pause)

Ahmadinejad: Osama? Where the fuck is Osama?

Osama: djgjdkn djdfnsk mdkujslk.

Ahmadinejad: What’s that?

Osama: dkgjskj sdlkggjlj asdlgiul.

Omar: He’s trying to disguise his voice again by putting his turban over the speaker.

Ahmadinejad: Osama, you chicken shit. The Americans aren’t listening. Get your turban off the phone.

Osama: God is great.

Ahmadinejad: OK, that’s better. God is great.

Omar: God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahamdinejad: OK, that’s enough. Fo shizzle, God is great. Now let’s get down to business.

Please deposit 25 cents for the next three minutes.

Ahmadinejad: What is that?

Omar: Osama, are you on pay phone?

Osama: You think I’m using the fucking satellite phone? Are you nuts?

Omar: OK, well put in enough money, you cheap Jew!

Osama: Zawahiri, give me all the change. Just put it in.

Ahmadinejad: OK, we’re here to discuss the new Obama Doctrine. He says he’s going de-emphasize military power and defeat us by focusing internally on the United States, developing the U.S. economy, making electric vehicles, promoting education reform, and so forth. He also is celebrating the end of combat operations in Iraq – saying the war was really a nightmare – and proclaiming that he’s determined to begin withdrawing from Afghanistan starting July 2011. What should we do?

Omar: Surrender.

Osama: Surrender.

Ahmadinejad: Yes. Surrender. Then we’re all agreed. The fearsome Obama is too much for us, has us completely intimidated, and we are all giving up.  I will announce tomorrow that we are executing all our nuclear scientists for developing nuclear weapons without my knowledge. And then I’m going to retire.

Omar: I guess I’ll retire too. God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahmadinejad: OK stop it!

Osama: Well what am I supposed to do? I mean, it’s not like I can go to New York City and drive a taxicab at this point. My skill set is mainly fomenting terror.

Ahmadinjad: You could open a restaurant.

Osama: Well, I do make a mean falafel sandwich. I can get some startup cash from the Saudis.

Omar: This Obama ruined everything. I mean, I had plans for the future. A life of misery for all Afghanis. Using religion for corrupt purposes. Hosting an annual terrorists’ convention at the Hilton in Kabul. It was all going to be so grand.

Ahmadinejad: Oh, me too. Just imagine what I could have done with nuclear weapons. Osama, I was going to give you one for your birthday! (Begins sobbing).

Osama: Oh, you are so sweet Mahmoud. I won’t charge you for extra yogurt sauce at my restaurant. Also, the appetizer is on me.

Omar: You cheap Jew, Osama.

Ahmadinejad: Yeah, we had it all. But now the warrior Obama has put an end to it. The world’s top evildoers defeated by education reform. Who would have imagined?

al Zawahiri

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Obama’s Mideast Peace Push

by Keith Koffler on September 2, 2010, 9:17 am

The president has done a smart and a good thing by bringing the leaders of the Palestinians and the Israelis together at the White House. It’s good both for the “peace process” and for himself politically.

History shows that one of the best ways  to get close to peace in the Middle East is to have direct involvement of the U.S. president. Jimmy Carter achieved a peace deal between Israel and Egypt in 1978 at Camp David while Bill Clinton nearly got one between Yassir Arafat and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak in 2000.

For Obama, it’s a no-lose situation. He increases his stature with voters by presenting himself as a leader on the world stage. If the talks fail, no one blames him anymore than you would blame a four year old for failing to solve Rubik’s Cube.

The concern here is that this doesn’t become a forum for pressuring the Israelis, especially given Obama’s history of petulance toward Netanyahu and sympathy for the Palestinians.

But he’s doing the right thing.

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The Obama Doctrine: Turn Guns Into Butter

by Keith Koffler on September 1, 2010, 1:27 pm

President Obama’s speech Tuesday night was much more than an announcement that combat operations in Iraq had come to an end. It was nothing less than the unveiling of The Obama Doctrine.

The major innovation of Obama Doctrine is frightening in that, unlike past presidential “doctrines,” it has little to do with national security and is a posture of premeditated weakness.

This is the Obama Doctrine: “Domestic policy is as important as national security policy to the defense of the United States.”

According to Obama, it’s no longer a case of guns or butter. It’s guns = butter.

In an age without surrender ceremonies, we must earn victory through the success of our partners and the strength of our own nation . . . Indeed, one of the lessons of our effort in Iraq is that American influence around the world is not a function of military force alone.  We must use all elements of our power – including our diplomacy, our economic strength, and the power of America’s example – to secure our interests and stand by our allies.

The concept laid out by Obama is a truly dangerous notion that suggests we can reduce our military commitments and spending and fight bad guys by strengthening our economy and providing a shining example to the world. At its core, it is a rationalization for withdrawing from the world militarily by a president who is a dove at heart and whose sole interest is in implementing his domestic agenda.

As the leader of the free world, America will do more than just defeat on the battlefield those who offer hatred and destruction – we will also lead among those who are willing to work together to expand freedom and opportunity for all people . . . Now, that effort must begin within our own borders.

We must, he suggests, make America better so that it can set an example to the world. He draws a clear equivalence between adopting favorable domestic policies – presumably his own – and military might.

And so at this moment, as we wind down the war in Iraq, we must tackle those challenges at home with as much energy, and grit, and sense of common purpose as our men and women in uniform who have served abroad. They have met every test that they faced.  Now, it’s our turn.

This is our new model for conducting warfare. We won’t fight them on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields and in the streets. Instead, we will fight them with a strong environmental policy.

This is pretty good news for America’s enemies.

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Obama’s Dangerous Message

by Keith Koffler on September 1, 2010, 12:03 pm

Someone wrote somewhere recently – I can’t remember where – that there are only two Western democracies left still willing to fight to defend themselves: The United States and Great Britain.

With the world teaming with enemies who want to destroy the West, this is a frightening thought. And after President Obama’s speech last night, in which he declared an end to combat operations in Iraq,  our enemies can be reassured that the number willing to use military power against them is headed toward zero.

The president made it very clear to those listening closely – and I assure you those who mean us harm were listening closely – that he has no stomach for a fight and will engage America only in the most urgent of situations, if even then.

Does this lamentation sound like a man who will, except under the most extreme circumstances, wage war?

The United States has paid a huge price to put the future of Iraq in the hands of its people.  We have sent our young men and women to make enormous sacrifices in Iraq, and spent vast resources abroad at a time of tight budgets at home.

The president couldn’t resist using remarks about the drawdown in Iraq to make crystal clear that we’re getting out of Afghanistan too.

The pace of our troop reductions will be determined by conditions on the ground, and our support for Afghanistan will endure.  But make no mistake:  This transition will begin — because open-ended war serves neither our interests nor the Afghan people’s.

Obama managed to drop into his speech about Iraq a whole section about his domestic agenda, right down to education reform and the like. He suggested that making the United States strong through, you know, making electric vehicles, will help us fight al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, and other really bad guys.

This is not serious thinking. While we of course must improve our economy, the way to fight bad guys is to kill them.

When we are departing a fight is the most dangerous moment of all. It’s then that we must project that we are doing so from a position of strength, that we are still willing to use our muscle if someone needs a pounding.  Instead, Obama weeps that we’ve “spent vast resources abroad at a time of tight budgets at home.”

His body posture is clear to the enemy. It says: “Yikes! Get me outta here and leave me alone so I can get to work putting solar panels on American homes!”

It’s a very dangerous message and one that will ensure we have even more problems overseas. Weakness invites war. Peace is achieved through strength – military strength.

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Obama Mentions Education Reform in Iraq Speech

by Keith Koffler on August 31, 2010, 9:45 pm

I’d like to mention two things tonight about President Obama’s prime time address.

1. His message to our enemies was clear: “I hate war, and you can be pretty sure I won’t fight another one.”

2. It is sorrowful to see that the president’s fingers were glued together and his jacket sleeves pasted to the desk before the speech. None of the gesticulating of his last Oval Office Address a few weeks ago. Much more of a go at gravitas. It looked like his thumbs were loose, though, and nearly started to wrestle with each other at a couple of points, which I found entertaining.

I’ll have a more careful and serious dissection of this unserious speech for you in the morning.

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Obama’s Perverse ‘End of Combat in Iraq’ Party

by Keith Koffler on August 31, 2010, 12:07 pm

Today’s Obama “End of Iraq Combat Operations” festival is so teaming with error and irony that I hardly know where to begin.

But I will begin.

As you are probably aware, President Obama is marking the Aug. 31 “End of Combat” milestone with a visit to the troops at Fort Bliss, Texas – lasting no more than an hour, just long enough to snap some photos – and an Oval Office speech. We get this along with a weekly address devoted to the topic and a White House-launched web campaign to honor the troops. We’re pretty much having a party.

Let’s start with the important stuff. Obama rarely pays public attention to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and as a wartime leader, he should be doing much more of it. But not today.

The drawdown of U.S. troops in Iraq should be accomplished with as little fanfare as possible. I can think of no benefit, other than political benefit for Obama as someone who kept his promise to end “combat operations” by Aug. 31, to touting this day. It is an eerie echo of another politician’s attempt to prematurely plant the flag of victory in Iraq, one who declared “Mission Accomplished” and “the end of major combat operations” and then rued it the rest of his presidency.

Here’s why this is a Big Mistake:

1. Nothing is really changing. The largest combat operations ended long ago. American forces have for a long time been engaged in counterterrorism operations, which will continue. But instead, these will now be called “stability operations.”

2. IT MAKES NO MILITARY SENSE TO ADVERTISE THAT YOU ARE LEAVING AND YOU LIKE IT. This can only encourage the enemy, who still exist in Iraq and who have recently been stepping up their own combat operations. I ask you: If in the tenth round, Boxer #1 tells Boxer #2 that he’s no longer engaged in combat, what is Boxer #2 going to do? He’s going to hit Boxer #1 really, really hard in the head.

3. Obama should indeed talk about success in Iraq. But on a regular basis, not as a one-shot deal and not to fete our departure. WE SHOULD BE PRETENDING THERE’S NO PLACE WE’D RATHER BE THAN HANGING OUT IN THE IRAQI DESERT WHEN IT’S 113 DEGREES FARENHEIT IN THE SHADE.

Obama has little to celebrate right now,  so he’s celebrating Iraq, which leads me to my second point: Obama is trumpeting success in a war he opposed that was won with a strategy – the surge – that he opposed.

The credit goes to the man he defeated and the man he replaced. I’m sure neither of them will be anywhere near Obama’s events or mentioned in his remarks.

Sen. John McCain was a lonely voice for a long time saying, at MUCH political peril to himself, that we needed to increase our military presence in Iraq. Bush kept insisting his commanders were telling him they had enough troops. I don’t know who was channeling such information to Bush, but I can only assume it was someone or some group who felt they were telling him what he wanted to hear. And they were probably right.

One day at the Bush White House, McCain and a group of senators came to visit with Bush for some reason that I forget. McCain came to the microphones on the driveway and one of the things he mentioned was that we needed more troops in Iraq. Then, the other senators left, and I noticed that McCain went back into the West Wing. He met personally with Bush.

Not long afterward, Bush declared that he was sending more of our young men and women into Iraq.

Here’s one of Obama’s comments from the period:

I am not persuaded that 20,000 additional troops in Iraq is gonna solve the sectarian violence there. In fact, I think it will do the reverse.

The other unfortunate irony is that Obama, as a fierce opponent of the war, must think the U.S. soldiers who gave their lives there did so in vain. It’s a legitimate, if incorrect, point of view.

I ask you this simple question. With Iran, Iraq’s arch enemy, close to developing its first nuclear weapon, Saddam Hussein, were he still in power, today would be doing what? Let’s make it multiple choice.

1. Sitting on his ass.

2. Developing his own nuclear weapons, as he had before.

You tell me the answer.

Obama needs to thank both Bush and McCain today. But he won’t, because this is a political exercise, and they are with the political opposition.

UPDATE: Obama did call Bush today and had a private conversation with him. It was the right thing to do.

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Questions About Obama’s Walter Reed Visit

by Keith Koffler on August 30, 2010, 9:32 pm

President Obama made an excursion today to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center to visit wounded warriors, meeting with 24 who served in Afghanistan and five who fought in Iraq. He awarded 11 Purple Hearts.

Obama signs a banner hanging in a room while visiting with Wounded Warriors

This difficult exercise is not something he does real often. I gotta say, coming one day before travels to Fort Bliss, Texas to mark the end of “combat operations” in Iraq and then delivers an Oval Office address on the matter, this has the very unfortunate feel of either box checking or even  being part of an “Obama keeps his Iraq drawdown promise” celebration. It may just be getting done because Iraq is currently on White House schedulers’ radar.

The trip to Walter Reed was not on the schedule, I assume, just to avoid these types of charges.

Obama rarely publicly addresses the wars he is running. But he spoke about it in Saturday’s radio address, and the White House website is heavy on Iraq right now. So for a few days, the White House is doing Iraq, and then, with “combat operations” supposedly all done, we ain’t gonna hear much about it again.

Unless the Iraqi extremists who know that Obama has little stomach for war decide otherwise.

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Barack Obama, Savior of Small Business

by Keith Koffler on August 30, 2010, 2:02 pm

Obama plans this fall to give Republicans a thorough and nearly daily thrashing for blocking a relatively minor Senate bill that would aid small businesses. He did it repeatedly before heading up to Martha’s Vineyard to save the lobster industry and is at it again now that he’s back. Here’s what he said in the Rose Garden this afternoon.

Unfortunately, this bill has been languishing in the Senate for months, held up by partisan minority that won’t even allow it to go to a vote. That makes no sense.

Obama implies it’s all petty politics, and that Republicans are spiteful children holding up a bill to deny him and poor Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid a victory.

The legislation would provide some tax credits while producing a $30 billion fund to help small banks lend to small businesses.

Let’s just start with some child-like logic. THE WASHINGTON SMALL BUSINESS LOBBY IS THE BEST FRIEND THE REPUBLICANS HAVE.

Why would Republicans want to piss off their best friend? Do you like to piss off your best friend, particularly if said friend provides you lots of money?

Republicans are angry because they say Reid has refused to allow them to offer the amendments they want. And many are concerned out of principle about providing a huge pile of dough for banks to play with, believing that THERE IS RECENT PRECEDENT THAT SHOWS YOU CAN CREATE PROBLEMS BY MAKING IT TOO EASY FOR BANKS TO LEND.

Even Republicans officially certified by the White House as sane, such as Olympia Snowe of Maine, oppose going forward.

So small business leaders must be sitting in their offices squeezing rubber balls and growling in a low voice “Republican are traitors. Republicans are traitors. Republicans are traitors. And Jerks.” Right? Hardly

Here’s what the National Federation of Independent Business, by far the nation’s largest small business lobby says about the bill.

While there are some positive provisions in this bill, it does not address the most pressing problems facing small business owners today. The primary problem facing small business owners right now in terms of job creation is not access to credit, it’s a lack of sales, customers and confidence. Small business owners are unlikely to invest in hiring or expanding their businesses when sales and profits remain weak. For these business owners to start hiring again, demand must pick up and confidence in the economy must be restored.

Currently small business optimism in the economy is very low. Small business owners are worried about the threat of increased taxes, new healthcare mandates, higher energy costs and more regulations from Washington. Small businesses need to know if the individual tax rates are going to remain at current levels or increase. They need to plan for the estate tax. And now they have to calculate how much the new healthcare law will cost their business. All of these issues make it that much harder for businesses to survive and grow.

What they are pointing to here is the rank hypocrisy of Obama crusading as the savior of small business while enacting policies that will be undeniably damaging to mom and pop shops. Under Obama, small businesses will be mandated to provide health insurance and have their taxes increased as the Bush tax cuts for high earners – many pay the individual rate – are rescinded at the end of the year – among other problems.

One may argue that these are, or are not, good policies. But let’s not pretend they are good for small business, and that Obama is looking out first for Main Street.

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Posting a Bit Less Through Labor Day

by Keith Koffler on August 29, 2010, 7:08 am

I’m on vacation this week, and I’ll be eating lobsters, golfing, and figuring out new ways to be rude to Netanyahu, so I won’t have as much time to post. From now through Labor Day, I’ll probably do only one or two posts a day. Unless I get angry about something, in which case there may be multiple posts.

After Labor Day we’ll be back at full speed with hopefully some new features too. I hope you are getting some time off this summer as well. And thanks for reading.

Keith

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Obamas Dined at McDonald’s Tonight

by Keith Koffler on August 27, 2010, 10:35 pm

Of course not.

The Obamas have landed at the Beach Plum Inn for dinner. Not exactly your average hot dog stand. From the website:

With panoramic views from every table, patrons gaze at the passing ships, cresting waves and iridescent setting sun . . .  Ranked as best restaurant on Martha’s Vineyard and Top Six in New England by Food and Wine Magazine, the Beach Plum Inn Restaurant is also an Island hot spot. Featuring classical regional cuisine with an island flair, Executive Chef James McDonough prepares daily culinary works of art from the fresh native Atlantic seafood, aged beef and free-ranged chicken among other delights.

Glad to know the chickens can walk around before Chef McDonough wrings their necks.

I took a look at the menu. Here’s what I think the Obamas went for.

Steamed Twin Local Lobsters $39
With potatoes, vegetable du jour, and drawn butter

LOBSTER! Two of them on one plate. With butter to goose the cholesterol content. I hope this restaurateur is as big an idiot as the one the other night at the State Road Restaurant who spilled the beans on what the Obamas ordered AFTER BEING ASKED NOT TO.  Maybe they figured this being the openness administration and all, nobody would mind.

Well, if the Obamas go to the State Road Restaurant next year, I’ll eat my computer. Really, I will.

Here’s the lovely Beach Plum Inn.

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Lunchtime for Barack and Joe

by Keith Koffler on June 7, 2010, 12:18 pm

The scene is the Oval Office. The weekly private lunch between President Obama and Vice President Biden is just getting under way. Obama and Biden are sipping iced tea and dipping their roles into plates of olive oil. The president is speaking.

Obama: So Joe, as I was saying, though I really enjoy our weekly lunches, I was thinking every two weeks might be a better -

Biden: Mr. President, I have a proposal I want to make to you.

Obama: Well, OK Joe, you know I’ve always told you to share any ideas you have directly with me. Please, fire away.

Biden: Put me in charge of mess in the Gulf of Mexico.

Obama: Put YOU in charge of this. Now why would I do that?

Biden: Because, Mr. President, in short, this is a big fucking deal. It needs my attention.

Obama: But Joe, I’m the president, I’m really the one who’s got to have the reins.

Biden: You’re too cool. Mr. Cool can’t do this. I’ve got PASSION, baby. PASSION.  I’m PASSIONATE. I’ll get the American people EXCITED about the oil spill.

Obama: Excited about the oil spill?

Biden: Oh, you know what I mean. I’ll get the American people pumped up. I’ll tear those BP guys a new hole. I’ll eat them for lunch.

Obama: Speaking of lunch, looks what’s just arrived.

The Butler: Mr. President, here is your appetizer, Gulf shrimp cocktail.

Obama: Gulf shrimp?

Butler: Yessir. Are they not to your liking?

Biden: Ha! Watch this!

Biden grabs four shrimp off his plate and gobbles them down with greedy abandon.

Biden: See, I’m not afraid of this shit. I’m going straight down to the Gulf tomorrow, and I’m going swimming in it.

Obama: Joe, you’ve been doing a great job talking about the stimulus bill to everyone and calming down Bibi over in Israel. This is where I need you man. Behind the scenes, doing the great job only you can do.

Biden: Oh God help me! I’m completely bored to tears by the stimulus. If I have to go to another one of those stupid road projects or brief reporters on the latest allocation of funds, I’m going to kill myself on national television.

Obama: Now Joe, don’t get silly on me.

Biden: Give me the oil mess or I’m going to kill myself.

Obama: OK, listen, I’ll have Gibbs write up a statement and you head down to Louisiana and give it and meet with some locals – you know, enjoy yourself.

Biden: No man, extemporaneous all the way. We need PASSION. Look, Mr. President, I’ll take lead lead on this. I’ll be Captain Kirk to your Dr. Spock.

Obama: Not quite sure I like the sound of that.

Biden: I’ll be Costello to your Abbott, Lewis to your Martin.

Obama: Well, we’ve got some of that going already.

Biden: Listen, I can turn this around for us.  You can go back to fixing the economy, immigration, and all that stuff. You’re too articulate, clean, mainstream and nice looking for this kind of thing.

Rahm Emanuel enters the Oval Office.

Rahm: You buzzed me, Mr. President

Obama: Yes Rahm. The vice president is suggesting that he take the lead on the BP Oil spill.

Rahm: Waddayou fucking crazy!? That’s the most fucking retarded thing I’ve ever heard!

Biden: I can’t believe this. I’m just trying to help. Go ahead then, robot dude, you handle this yourself.

Biden storms out of the Oval Office.

Obama: Thanks Rahm.

Rahm: No problem, Mr. President. Always happy to be bad cop. I got your back.

Obama: You’re the best. Want a shrimp?

Rahm: Thanks, Mr. President. Don’t mind if I do.

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On Helen Thomas

by Keith Koffler on June 8, 2010, 12:14 pm

I don’t think the world expected Helen Thomas to suddenly start urging the Jews to exit Israel, but a lot of us who have worked with her at the White House are not completely surprised.

Let’s take a look just one more time. Here are her full remarks as given to rabbilive.com

Helen, though just about 90, is still thinking clearly. What has happened in the last few years is that, whatever it is that intercepts many of our thoughts and prevents them from coming out our mouths has eroded down to nothing in Helen’s head. And so, she says whatever the Hell she wants, pretty much whenever she wants.

And she does it obsessively. You cannot have a conversation with Helen anymore without her launching into the evils of George W. Bush, his wars, or Republicans and their policies. She either assumes you agree or doesn’t care. Any natural give and take of regular conversation is gone.

That this depleted filter caused her to say something nasty about Israel is also unsurprising to her colleagues. Helen has been bemoaning Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians for years.

What surprised was the viciousness of it. I’m willing to bet that the direction she wanted to send the Jews in – back to Germany and Poland, where they were slaughtered during her early adulthood – was not given by accident.

After hearing carefully crafted Washington non-apologies all her life, that’s exactly what she gave us after everyone recoiled in horror at her words. Nothing short of  “What I said was completely wrong, I was smoking pot to ease my joint pain, I take it back, I’m sorry Jewish people” would have sufficed.”

Helen ThomasBut instead, she decided she wasn’t taking it back, just expressing “regret.” And when that wasn’t enough, she quit rather than correct her words.

I’m not willing to excuse this just because she is so old. My experience is that old people tend to rant what they’ve always been thinking rather than veer off in some surprising new direction.

All her life, Helen questioned power fearlessly. While she was still a beat reporter with UPI, I witnessed her tear into press secretaries with unusual courage in a room that is sometimes reticent because it has to spend the rest of the non-briefing day sucking up to the press shop. And she often did it with a sense of fun and a touch of compassion from one’s elders.

But beneath the grandmotherliness – and not far beneath – was a truly angry person. And I’m sorry to say it.

She was really good to me, a young reporter suddenly thrust onto the White House beat 13 years ago. Never a hint of hubris or ego out of her.

I’ll never forget one soupy hot July day in 1997, when some people had emerged from a White House meeting with President Clinton and were on the driveway at the microphones talking about the tobacco legislation that would begin to emerge from Congress that year.

While we all stood melting, there was 78 year old Helen, a pen and reporter’s notepad in hand, scooting around, just trying to get the story. Just another reporter, hoping for a little copy to inform her readers.

Would that I could remember her solely that way.

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President Obama’s Head Falls Off

June 8, 2010

As part of its effort to show Obama cares, the White House has added ANOTHER daily briefing to the president’s schedule, this one on the “BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill.” I first noticed this yesterday on Tuesday”s schedule, and now it’s back for Wednesday’s. When Obama took office, there was only one daily briefing, the [...]

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Yo Tony Hayward, It’s Obama Calling!

June 10, 2010

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs today came under withering fire from reporters at the daily White House briefing about why President Obama continues not to get on the horn with BP CEO Tony Hayward. Gibbs sounded less than eloquent in trying to explain the unexplainable, which of course is a press secretary’s job, so [...]

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Obama Eats Fish From Gulf, Survives for Now

June 14, 2010

While members of his Secret Service detail were observing a hot chick sunbathing on the beach, President Barack Obama today ate some fish from the Gulf of Mexico “I had some of that seafood for lunch and it was delicious,” Obama told reporters in Theodore, Ala. As Obama took his third bite of fried flounder, [...]

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Obama Attempts to Address the Nation

June 15, 2010

FROM THE OVAL OFFICE Good evening. It’s an honor to be speaking to you for the first time from the Oval Office. (Silence) Is it . . .  why isn’t it rolling? Thank you for letting me – CAN WE GET THE TELEPROMPTER WORKING??? (Silence) CAN WE GET THE TELEPROMPTER WORKING??? (Silence) OK, let’s just [...]

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Obama and BP Whack the Small People

June 17, 2010

President Obama, who is visiting BP headquarters in Houston to continue the BP ass kicking he began at the White House June 16, is led by BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg into a large banquet hall. The president is seated next to Svanberg in the middle of an extremely long table filled with pitchers of wine, [...]

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The Top Ten Asses Obama Still Needs to Kick

June 21, 2010

President Obama last week “figured out whose ass to kick” when he met with BP CEO Tony Hayward at the White House. Obama kicked Hayward’s ass, and out popped $20 billion. This ass kicking was such a success that White House Dossier has compiled a list of the top ten owners of other asses Obama [...]

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The Top Ten Excuses McChrystal Gave Obama

June 23, 2010

White House Dossier has the inside dope on what McChrystal said to Obama this morning to try to keep his job. The general offered Obama several explanations for the interview with Rolling Stone. Talking to White House officials who spoke anonymously lest they get their asses kicked by the president, White House Dossier has uncovered [...]

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Barack and Dmitri, BFF

June 25, 2010

One of the downsides of going buddy buddy with Medvedev – you know, running out for cheeseburgers and strolling around the White House grounds – is that it allows the Russian president to present himself as a normal leader, which he is not. As we learn in the Christian Science Monitor, while Medvedev and Obama [...]

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Obama Sneaks in a Change to His Tax Pledge

June 28, 2010

Having spent $1 trillion on health care reform, Democratic leaders have checked the books and discovered to their dismay that THE UNITED STATES IN RUNNING UNBELIEVABLE DEFICITS. Sorry, let me get a hold of myself. It’s just that they’ve taken the big overindulgence at dinner that existed under GOP rule and turned it into an [...]

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Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearing, Take 1

June 28, 2010

We listen now as Judiciary Chairman Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) and ranking member Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) begin today’s confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Leahy: Welcome to today’s hearing, at which we will grill nominee Elena Kagan about her qualifications for serving on the Supreme Court. I expect this hearing to be [...]

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Why is Bill Clinton Meeting With Putin?

June 30, 2010

The White House is using Bill Clinton as its fixer, having him run around the country offering political bribes to get candidates Obama doesn’t want out of races and to buck up those Obama likes. Fine. It’s not exactly dignified, but if an ex-president wants to play political operative, that’s his perogative. But who appointed [...]

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Achtung! Obama’s Civilian Expeditionary Force

July 1, 2010

President Obama today was asked about something that has been freaking out some on the right for about two years now – that is, why it is he mentioned during the campaign that there should be a “civilian national security force” and just what the Hell did he mean by it. The concern, of course, [...]

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The Nine Things Elena Kagan Wanted to Say

July 2, 2010

It was really difficult for Elena Kagan to sit there in front of the Judiciary Committee for three days and pretend she had no opinions. As anyone who knows her will tell you, she has lots of opinions. In an exclusive interview with White House Dossier this morning, Kagan listed for us the nine things [...]

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Obama to Immigrants: I Love You, a Lot

July 1, 2010

President Obama this afternoon pandered hard to immigrants of all shapes, sizes and stripes, while also subltly making clear that immigration reform ain’t happening soon. Democrats, already facing a November bloodbath, would be certifiably insane to try to actually pass immigration reform, at least before the votes are in. They’ve already moved through Congress one [...]

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Please, Ahmadinejad, Just Be Nice, Okay?

July 1, 2010

President Barack Obama tonight signed the Iran Sanctions Act, a measure that even his won CIA director acknowledges won’t stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. In a signing statement written in LaLa Land and delivered in the East Room, the president declared that tigers do in fact change their stripes. The government of Iran still [...]

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When Barack Met Bibi

July 6, 2010

The Scene: Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu and his aides have just entered to Oval Office for his meeting today with President Obama. The Israelis are determined to avoid a repeat of the last White House session, when Obama stiffed them for part of the time and refused to take a picture with Netanyahu. The [...]

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Obama, Berwick, and the Dilution of Democracy

July 9, 2010

The most frightening thought that can flicker in the minds of the powerful is the notion that what they are doing for their country is so important, so necessary for the general welfare, that the normal checks on power must be circumvented for what they perceive as the good of the whole. It is a [...]

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NASA Stops Reaching Out to Muslims

July 12, 2010

The White House today did a 180 on the question of whether it is NASA’s job to reach out to the Muslim world, deciding after all that this should be left to, like, the State Department, and not to spacemen. In an apparent reference to the invention of the flying carpet thousands of years ago [...]

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Obama Hands Power to Bill Clinton

July 14, 2010

Having just yesterday hired Bill Clinton’s OMB director, Jack Lew, to be his own, President Obama today handed the whole White House to Clinton, saying he will just let the ex-president run the country while he spends the next two and a half years perfecting his golf game. Obama, who has complained that he is [...]

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White House Basement Flooded. What’s New?

July 15, 2010

Well, another day, and another environmental disaster in the White House press room. We’re all used to peeling walls, weird wet spots, strange and lingering smells, rats and mice, and discoveries of like half eaten sandwiches from reporters who worked the White House beat in the 1970s. So when a reporter yesterday entered the basement [...]

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Gibbs Supplies Pelosi With Rorschach Test

July 15, 2010

House Speaker Pelosi today termed the comment by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs that Dems could lose the House a “Rorschach test.” Here’s what Gibbs said Sunday on Meet the Press. “I think there’s no doubt there are enough seats in play that could cause Republicans to gain control. There’s no doubt about that.” [...]

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Obama: Next Election ANOTHER Referendum on Bush

July 16, 2010

In an interview with NBC News, President Obama made it clear that the 2010 election, like the one Democrats swept in 2008, should be a referendum on President Bush, which is probably good thinking since Bush is the only politician around less popular Obama. Offering some quality political double talk, Obama said in a sitdown [...]

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Obama Has Shot 41 Rounds of Golf as President

July 16, 2010

President Barack Obama has played a remarkable 41 rounds of golf since becoming president, easily outpacing his predecessor and possibly damaging his ability to portray himself in 2012 as a populist advocate of average folks. With the excursions lasting on average at least five hours, the president has devoted a total of more than 200 [...]

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The Obamas’ Simply Wonderful Vacation

July 19, 2010

President Barack Obama and Mrs. Obama, on vacation in Bar Harbor Maine, are dining together at the Luxurious Lobster Restaurant. The children are in the hotel room with their grandmother while the Obama’s take a moment of leisure together. Barack: Excuse me waiter, you’ve given me drawn butter with this lobster. I asked for remoulade [...]

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A Look Inside an East Room Press Conference

July 20, 2010

President Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron today held a short press conference in the East Room in which they proclaimed that they like each other, that Britain and the United States are good allies and even speak the same language, that it was wrong the release the Lockerbie bomber since he’s really not too [...]

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Obama’s Shame and the Firing of Shirley Sherrod

July 22, 2010

Who is to blame for the fiasco in which a good woman was defamed and fired because of an maliciously edited video showing what appeared to be racist comments, but which was actually a story of racial redemption? First of all, Andrew Breitbart, who presented the video, and the non-journalists who failed to question whether [...]

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Surely Shirley Sherrod Isn’t Returning to the Ag Department

July 22, 2010

Former Agriculture Department official Shirley Sherrod, fired because of a edited video that incorrectly made her out to be a racist, is thinking about whether to take Ag Secretary Vilsack and President Obama himself up on their offer to return to the agency with an even better job than the one she had. But Shirley [...]

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The Top Ten Things That Could Save Obama

July 23, 2010

1. The economy begins to surge, big time. Let’s face it, no one ever knows for sure where the economy is going. 2. Obama bombs Iran. He’ll finally look like a tough guy, he’ll save  Israel from a devastating attack – not to mention the United States – and Jewish voters will stick with him. [...]

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Obama’s Worst Nightmare

July 26, 2010

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” “Barack, what’s wrong?” “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” “Barry, wake up, you’re having a bad dream. Wake up!” “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!” “Barack, wake up!” “Michelle? Oh my goodness. I had a terrible dream.” “Was it the one about Sarah Palin being made the White House pastry chef?” “No, no, worse.” “Tell me!” “Well, it’s the morning, and we’ve [...]

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The White House Dossier Dude on TV

July 26, 2010

This is an appearance I did last week on RT TV, an international news channel, that I thought you might like to see. The topic was a piece I did for White House Dossier on Obama’s incessant golfing, as well as a piece by someone else in POLITICO on his and Washington’s faltering connection to [...]

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Obama on Full View

July 26, 2010

Well, now we’ve really plumbed the depths to a new low. The news that Obama will Yenta it up on “The View” Thursday – the show will be taped Wednesday afternoon – is the final step in what must be a master plan by a Republican plant in the White House to diminish the president [...]

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Obama, Wikileaks, and the Failure to Lead

July 27, 2010

Do you feel like we are a country at war? Do you feel like you have a leader who is galvanizing the country to take on the enemy and break its back? What a serious business war is. And how unseriously it is being waged. At the same time we announced we were getting a [...]

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Gaza Flotilla Ship to be Called ‘Audacity of Hope’

July 28, 2010

Early this fall, Palestinian activists plan to try to run another flotilla through the Israeli Gaza blockade. This time for Obama, it’s personal. In a move that must be giving Obama’s political team dyspepsia about Florida, Ohio, New Jersey and other potential battleground states where Jewish voters might make the difference, the Palestinians have decided [...]

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Health Reform Shatters Obama’s Tax Pledge

July 29, 2010

Workers are beginning to be informed of major health reform-mandated changes to their health care flexible spending accounts that will make the accounts far more difficult to use and that will limit the sum of health related products that can written off from taxes. The changes will result in higher taxes paid by workers making [...]

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Michelle’s Unbelievably Excellent Vacation

July 29, 2010

So Mrs. Obama and younger daughter Sasha take off next week on what looks to be a four day vacation to Spain, staying, according to the Spanish press, at the Hotel Villa Padierna, a place that’s decidedly not for “the small people.” I don’t know how reliable the Spanish press is, so I caution you [...]

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Nine Things Obama Will Say on the Golf Course

July 29, 2010

President Obama will probably hit the greens again this weekend, since, that’s what he likes to do on weekends. He’ll be there with his usual pals, a couple of junior staffers who help him relax by steering clear of deep discussions. And, perhaps, by not questioning questionable golf tactic by a man who likes to [...]

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Peter Orszag, We Hardly Knew Ye

July 30, 2010

Well, today is Peter Orszag’s last day as director of the Office of Management and Budget. Orszag decided to leave after less than a year and a half of service because he was smart enough to marry ABC’s Bianna Golodryga, arguably the hottest gal in broadcasting, and we’re not talking about her career path or [...]

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Obama Suggests He Wrote Iraq’s Success Story

August 2, 2010

Obama regularly blames Bush for his problems, describing the still staggering economy as if it was still somehow being steered by Bush from his new home in Dallas, or perhaps by Cheney from his hospital bed. But, when he speaks today in Atlanta about the Iraq war effort and his intent to end combat operations [...]

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Bad Obama Resurfaces Asking for Money

August 2, 2010

On the heels of an inspiring, unpartisan speech to veterans, Obama headed to another room in THE VERY SAME BUILDING to unleash his inner attack dog at Republicans and raise a half million dollars. Here’s a helping from the pool report by Peter Baker of the New York Times. “That is the choice in this [...]

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The Fat Cats Hand Obama Their Change

August 3, 2010

The Scene: Vogue Editor Anna Wintour’s home in Greenwich Village, New York, where she is hosting a $30,400 per person fundraiser for populist President Barack Obama. Obama is speaking in the living room when suddenly the audience of 50 fat cat donors starts to get a little restless. Obama: And so, we need keep looking [...]

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Obama is Mean to a Dictator

August 3, 2010

Well, President Obama, who has been criticized in certain circles for being too soft on America’s enemies, is finally putting on the heat. Just look at this comment about Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe he made today during an East Room meeting today with “young African leaders.” I’m just going to be very blunt, he — [...]

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A Look at Obama’s Departure to Chicago

August 4, 2010

The president, bereft of family, left the White House this afternoon with Chi-Town native Rahm Emanuel and pal Valerie Jarrett and headed back to his hometown to celebrate what’s left of his birthday. We waited on the South side of the White House for Obama to board his chopper, which would take him to Andrews [...]

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Geithner, Foaming at the Mouth, Blames Bush

August 5, 2010

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner Wednesday become so worked up blaming Bush for the federal deficit and the current state of the economy that he began foaming uncontrollably at the mouth. Speaking in Washington to the liberal Center for American Progress and the conservative American Action Forum, Geithner rhapsodized about the Clinton-era budget surpluses of the [...]

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CRAIG’S LIST ITEM: Supreme Court Vacancy, No Experience Necessary

August 5, 2010

Elena Kagan is one of those people who talk rapidly, with thoughts popping out at you quick enough to make you believe your mind is operating a little bit slower than hers, which it probably is. I knew her just a bit when I started covering the White House during the latter years of the [...]

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A New Demagogic Low for Obama

August 6, 2010

President Obama consistently confuses principled opposition to his policies with “politics as usual” and “the ways of Washington.” Sure, there’s politics in Washington. But Obama, uniquely even for a poltician, sees his opponents as having impure motives. Here’s the latest whopper. If you opposed the bailout of the auto industry, then you are essentially un-American. [...]

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You Can Take Michelle’s Vacation for $10,000

August 6, 2010

Do you have $10,000 lying around. You do? Well then you can take the very same vacation Michelle is taking this week. Because a mere ten grand – at a minimum, however – would cover your economy class  flight and a awe-inspiring four night/five day stay at the incomparable Hotel Villa Padierna in Marbella, Spain, [...]

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Michelle’s Glamorous Excursion Into Outer Space

August 7, 2010

Rarely in public life has there been a more successful image overhaul than that given Michelle Obama. The team that handled her in the White House, Communications Director Camille Johnston, who is leaving, and Press Secretary Katie McCormick Lelyveld, have taken a woman who was viewed during the campaign as somewhat angry and aloof and [...]

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Panama City Theater, Starring ‘The Obamas’

August 9, 2010

The White House is starting to release more details of the president and his family’s upcoming “vacation” in Panama City, Fla., and it’s pretty clear that they’d be better off not going at all. Turns out they are flying down this Saturday and returning Sunday. Sounds very relaxing. And disturbing. Is there anyone worth less [...]

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Obama Officially Suspends Hope and Change

August 9, 2010

President Obama today suspended hope and change, declaring a moratorium on his 2008 campaign promise until after Election Day. Speaking at a DNC fundraiser in Austin, Obama made clear he was tired of being so good while the Republicans were being so bad. And so, no more Mr. Nice Guy. We have spent the last [...]

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Michelle’s Not-So-Excellent Vacation

August 10, 2010

The Scene: President Obama, Michelle, and White House political guru David Axelrod are sitting in the Blue Room discussing the Obamas’ vacation plans. Michelle is surprised to learn that she has misunderstood them, and that she is flying down to Panama City, Fla. for the night this Saturday. ************************ Michelle: You said we were going [...]

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Top Ten Things the Obamas Will Do in Martha’s Vineyard

August 11, 2010

1. Use free single day enrollment coupons for the John Kerry School of Windsurfing. 2. Keep criticizing Fat Cats except when have breakfast, lunch, cocktails or dinner with them. 3. Take a class learning to make caviar from scratch. 4. Attend the Martha’s Vineyard Annual Small People Appreciation Festival. 5. Resist playing golf, unless it’s [...]

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Obama’s Bullying Bully Pulpit

August 12, 2010

The penchant of the White House to use its huge power and megaphone to slam private industries is one of its most disconcerting features. It distinguishes President Obama from the two other presidents I’ve covered, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton. For sure, I remember them railing against their opponents, but not attacking specific private [...]

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Obama’s Empty Gesture on the Ground Zero Mosque

August 16, 2010

The reaction of President Obama and his aides to his own speech on the Ground Zero mosque has been, and continues to be today, a disgrace and an outrage. Bill Clinton has been spending lots of time dealing with Obama lately, and it shows. Obama is getting himself squarely on both sides of the issue [...]

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Obama and Petraeus Disagree on July 2011

August 16, 2010

President Obama says July 2011 is the starting point for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan, and that the starting point is not changeable. But Gen. David Petraeus says he might advise changing it. Why aren’t President Obama and his top military man in Afghanistan on the same page, after all this time and discussion? Oh, wait [...]

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Obama Stops Pretending He’s Not Very Liberal

August 17, 2010

Wait second here. I thought this was the post-partisan president, always eager for new ideas from both sides of the aisle, from the middle of the aisle, and from the banister running along the aisle. This was a candidate who tried to minimize his branding by National Journal magazine in 2008 as the most liberal [...]

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U.S.- Russia Reset Button Failure Led to Bushehr Reactor Fueling

August 18, 2010

Note to Readers: Reporting for this story was conducted over a period of six months by a team of three White House Dossier correspondents who met secretly with dozens of administration and other officials in Washington area parking garages and ate chicken sandwiches for lunch. An exclusive White House Dossier investigation has determined that Russia’s [...]

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Obamas Enjoy The Sweet Life

August 23, 2010

Ah, The Sweet Life. That’s the name of the restaurant in Oak Bluffs on the Vineyard where Barack and Michelle are dining right now with Chicago friends Eric and Cheryl Whitaker and Valerie Jarrett. Here’s the menu. Prices for entrees start at $32. The ribs and steak top it off at $42, but if your [...]

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Obama Gives Economic Team the Finger

August 24, 2010

Faced with sluggish job growth, the resumption home price declines, and the possibility of a double dip recession, President Barack Obama gave his economic team the finger at a White House meeting last Thursday, just before departing for a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. “You guys suck,” Obama declared as his economic team gave him the [...]

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Shirley Sherrod Declines Agriculture Job

August 25, 2010

Well, as I predicted, Shirley Sherrod ain’t going back to the Department of Agriculture. Instead, she wants to take some time off. Big mistake. About the time off, that is. You remember Shirley, right? She’s the one who was fired as an Ag official after an edited version of some remarks she made appeared to [...]

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Obamas Depleting U.S. Lobster Supply

August 25, 2010

So how much lobster are you having during these precarious economic times? What? You’ve had to cut back? No longer ordering it stuffed with crab meat, at least? Well, if you happen to be the President of the United States or the First Lady, your lobster consumption is continuing at a robust pace. Yes, the [...]

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Partisan Obama Playing Poorly in Peoria

August 26, 2010

The verdict of the American people on Obama’s new Republican-bashing strategy is in, and it’s not pretty for the cynical White House strategists who put it together. Obama this summer placed Hope and Change into a time capsule, to be unearthed for use during his 2012 reelection campaign or, more likely, by historians years hence [...]

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Top Ten Things Obama Will Do When He Returns from Vacation

August 27, 2010

1. Start a lobster colony in the South Lawn fountain 2. Plant ice cream for Michelle in her vegetable garden. 3. Reach out to a Republican – and break his arm. 4. Open the South Lawn Driving Range for business. 5. Give Ahmadinejad just one more chance. 6. Tell Rahm to put some clothes on [...]

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Obama Schedule || September 2, 2010

September 2, 2010

No publicly scheduled events today.

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Obama Schedule || September 1, 2010

August 31, 2010

It’s peace in the Middle East day at the White House. Netanyahu will be arriving without his upper limbs in order to avoid arm twisting. 9:15 am || Participates in a call with FEMA Administrator Fugate on preparations for Hurricane Earl 10:45 am || Bilateral meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu 1:30 pm || Bilateral [...]

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Obama Schedule || August 31, 2010

August 30, 2010

8:30 am || Departs White House 12:30 pm || Arrives El Paso, Texas 1:10 pm || Meets and is photographed with troops at Fort Bliss Army Base 2:20 pm || Depart El Paso 6:10 pm || Arrives White House 8:00 pm || Delivers Oval Office address to the nation All times Eastern

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Obama Visits Walter Reed

August 30, 2010

Obama is making a stop at the Walter Reed Army Hospital. It wasn’t on the schedule. Will update as info becomes available.

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Live Stream: Obama on Economy From Rose Garden

August 30, 2010

Sorry Obama was late. I’ve gotten word that one of the lobsters on Obama’s plate during lunch suddenly moved and had to be thrown back into boiling water, delaying the remarks.

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Biden Lands in Iraq

August 30, 2010

As part of the administration’s growing celebration of the end of “combat” operations in Iraq, Vice President Biden is in Iraq to take part in a “a Change of Command and Change of Mission Ceremony,” according to information just released by the White House. According to the White House: The Vice President’s visit at this [...]

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Obama to Deliver Statement on the Economy

August 30, 2010

For his own political good, he better not speak the truth. It’s at 12:30 in the Rose Garden.

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Obama: Restrained Bush Bashing in New Orleans

August 29, 2010

Well, President Obama’s rhetoric is mostly what you’d expect in New Orleans, laced with some decently written  inspiration stuff about how the city is pluckily bouncing back. But of course, not a mention of President Bush by the current “outreach” president, even though many believe Bush performed admirably helping the city after the initial disaster, [...]

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Obama Schedule || August 29, 2010

August 28, 2010

10:00 am || President Obama and Mrs. Obama depart Martha’s Vineyard 1:20 pm || President Obama and Mrs. Obama arrive in New Orleans 3:10 pm || President Obama delivers remarks on fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina 5:50 pm || President Obama and Mrs. Obama depart New Orleans 8:20 pm || President Obama and Mrs. Obama [...]

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Obama Gets You to Salute the Troops

August 28, 2010

Yes, this project is part PR stunt to highlight that President Obama is drawing down the troops in Iraq. But, well, he is drawing down the troops, and he deserves some credit for it. Even though he opposed the policy – the surge – that made this all possible, as srdem65 points out. As these [...]

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Obama Congratulates Kenya

August 28, 2010

Now this is suspicious. A statement on Kenya but no statements released recently about Hawaii. I AM JOKING.  But I’m willing to bet a little chauvinism for the country of his father helped move this statement out the door. There aren’t typically a lot of statements out of the White House on what African countries [...]

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Obama Golfing With Mayor Bloomberg!

August 27, 2010

Well, for the president’s fifth golf outing of his vacation, he has chosen New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg, chief defender of the builders of the Ground Zero Mosque, as his companion. Bloomberg of course is fresh from an appearance last night on the Jon Stewart Show in which he insulted opponents of the mosque [...]

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The Obamas Go Biking

August 27, 2010

A nice bike ride is the activity for this morning. A very cute scene ably described by the Wall Street Journal’s Elizabeth Williamson in this pool report just filed. I do feel, though, that they should keep us nosy press types out of this and just do it privately. But since it’s out there, I [...]

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